Let God Guide Us 2

This is ridiculous

2009-10-04T03:30:00.000+08:00

This is ridiculous.

I thought I could sleep it off, but I woke up depressed.

And apparently I lost the will to stay healthy. I got a bad sore throat. My voice isn't working.

Phail; Because it's in my nature

2009-10-03T19:31:00.000+08:00

I've had such a bad spate of cumulative failure recently that I really want to quit.

I want to get away from everything, just for a while, and not have anyone ask about me or why or talk about where I'm at.

I just want some ME time.

What's the point of telling yourself that you can live to fight another round when you meet failure after failure every week.

This would be the worst downtime I've had in months, and I don't find it funny anymore.

And when I don't find falure funny, it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing for me.

God am I really this weak? Am I really only this strong? If I NEED to be that strong, then seriously, I'm tugging on that emergency lever now. I need some help. Desperately. If not, I'll most certainly give up. By tomorrow.

And yes, if you wanna stop respecting me now, it's the perfect time to do it. I'll take a long time to get myself back together, thank you very much.

But if I do.

It means I've overcome something. And when a man gets past a barrier, he becomes stronger.

In the meantime though.

I'm still down. Really down. And I'm blogging this on purpose to archive this, so when I look back, if I actually manage to pick myself up from all this nonsense that's been happening to me, I can finally laugh at it. Cos I'll find it funny by then.

Now though.

I don't feel like laughing.

I have a terrible headache, I'm tired, my body's aching, and I feel like shit.

Way to go, strong and fearless leader.

It is by grace I have been saved

2009-09-25T19:40:00.000+08:00

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from youselves, it is the gift of God -not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do " (Eph. 2:8-9)

So there's this confusion in many of our hearts, that if we don't do good works and preach like Christ called us to do, we can't get God's nod of approval, and we won't get to heaven. Or something around those lines eh?

There's a misunderstanding here.

We don't get into heaven by being a missionary, or serving like crazy. Or simply by being a goody goody mommy's boy. WRONG. WRONG.

We got to trace the steps, trace the steps!

Christ died on the cross for all our sins. Why did He have to die? He had to become the sacrificial lamb for our sins, which no other sacrifice on earth can replace.

Here we go...

EVERY fellow on earth has sinned, like it or not.

You can be the good Christian, or the bad boy Christian, or the lukewarm Christian. Every type has sinned and will never stop sinning, WHETHER we do good works or not!

There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins. -Ecclesiastes 7:20

Why did God have to intervene? Because when we sin, we cannot get close to God, who is holy, sinless and pure. Because we sin, we die. The wages of sin is death, Romans 6:23

So for God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God DID NOT send His Son into the world to condemn the world, BUT to SAVE the world through Him. Whoever BELIEVES IN HIM is not condemned (-John 3:16-18a) to living a life away from the glory of God, and into eternal death after we die. Emphases mine.

God sent His son Jesus to die for us to propitiate the wrath of God.

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppresses the truth by their wickedness. Romans 1:18

Does the above sound familiar to you? It should! That's you and me there! Wicked in our very nature. Who can say that they are sinless, when the Bible says that Man has fallen?

This Jesus saved us from all hell, literally, by being THAT sacrifice in propitiation, to save us from this wrath of God. In dying for us when WE were supposed to die, the price for our sins had been PAID FOR, and thus we no longer need to die eternally, but we can be with Him in heaven.

And where does all that come from?

GRACE!

Did God save you because you deserved it? Obviously, no! It is by His grace you have been saved. And whether you like it or not, however many good works you do or however LITTLE, it's His grace that gets you to heaven anyway. If you believe in this power of Christ, you're saved. And if you're saved, you're saved. That's why it's called grace: getting something we don't deserve.

Till the day you STOP BELIEVING. That's when you doubt and you no longer hold on to God's promise of eternity, ie stop believing in it and denounce Christianity, you lose the inheritance of eternal life too. John 3:18b, ...but whosoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.

And as BELIEVERS, we're COMMISSIONED to go out and spread the gospel and serve in the body of Christ and all. BUT again. Does that mean that if we believe, but we don't serve, it means we don't get to heaven?

The answer is NO. Even lukewarm Christians who don't serve get to heaven.

I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained from the law, Christ died for NOTHING! -Galatians 2:21 (emphasis mine) The law meaning justice as defined by man. If we can only be deemed righteous through our own concept of righteousness, through good works and all, then Christ would have died in vain!

That's why we're all working so hard to spread the gospel in the first place: if a new Christian starts learning and growing in Christ and suddenly his life is taken from him before he can start serving -or even start learning about the Word!- then how?! Go to hell ah? OF COURSE NOT. That is falsehood. When we pray for a dying man and he accepts Christ because he BELIEVES in Jesus, we have faith that when he goes the next moment, he'll be with Jesus. This is because by His grace, He's done His side of the bargain, and that by having FAITH in this promise that stems from GRACE, this dying man, who never served, who never learnt anything about the Bible, will get to be with God after death.

To my fellow Christian brothers and sisters, I believe many of us have faced this question before. We look at the Christians who are serving and we ask, is this fair at all? I serve, he/she doesn't, but we all go to heaven anyway! What's the deal here?

Yes, it isn't fair. If it were fair, we'd ALL be roasting in hell whichever way.

It's a PRIVILEGE to serve. It's a privilege to know the joy that comes from doing good works IN HIS NAME. We KNOW and UNDERSTAND His GRACE and therefore we have strength to serve only because we recognise that. Let us not judge our brothers and sisters who aren't serving or in the missions field, but instead be models of Christians who indeed know the light, who have experienced God's grace some way or another, and thus are serving and working for the Lord.

We, the ones who have seen and understood, are the ones who need to hear this message. Because we know and we have experienced the grace of God before others have, we simply cannot lie down and be fed. We HAVE to go out first, and to pray about where to serve in missions, because we have already been fed and we have understood and experienced God's work in our lives.

Perhaps the lukewarm or so-called bad Christians have heard the message and have been warming the pews for years... But that is not for us to judge, because it is only in God's timing and plan that we rise up to serve. "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Eph 2:10

Remember in John 21:21-22, where Peter asks about the fate of another disciple? Jesus replied, what is that to you?

So what is that to you? Let's observe our own walks, and let us hold fast to the truth that we have already been saved... It is now time to live a life guided by the Spirit and Word, which calls us to do the many things that Christians in the missions field and in ministries are doing now.

If you think you aren't gonna get to heaven because you haven't been doing enough, think again! Understand that it's the grace that gets us to heaven, not the amount of things you do. It's the understanding of His grace and love for us that makes you want to serve fervently, not the other way round!

By His grace, you will get to heaven, even if you continue to sit in church like it were nothing to you. But this grace that saved the entire world from sin... you, my fellow Christian brother/sister. If you haven't been serving, or are not hungry for doing works in His name...

Then really. Does this grace from God Himself mean so little to you?

The Truth About...

2009-09-13T17:26:00.000+08:00

I read from a friend's blog that...

(no quotes here!)

If a man desires a woman, she can't do anything to turn him away.

If a man doesn't like a woman, she can't do anything to make him stay.

(I can't remember the exact wording -and the exact wording had a lot more impact!- but that's more or less it.)

So...

Who in the world came up with that?!

A woman can get a man to notice her too. And if a woman doesn't want a man to stay, what can he say?

I actually had a lot in mind to talk about earlier but er, I forgot what I wanted to say.

I will make such a fantastic journalist. My articles will be short and to the point and they will be in newspapers like everywhere. Hoo ha ha.

ANYWAY.

I've long lost the buzzing clicking feeling you get when you know, you're talking to someone and you think you like him/her. I've dismissed every single bit of romantic feeling I've gotten for girls over the past year and 9 months, and counting.

I move on so fast I think I must be really heartless. Emotionless. Everytime I go crazy over someone, I can get over her completely just by willing myself to do so over a couple of days.

I used to do that in the past too, but it didn't use to clear out so quickly.

Sometimes, and only some very few times, I wish I could change reality.

Why only sometimes? Well... I don't know. My life is such a blast. And I have such an awesome God and saviour. Most of the time I'm just really thankful and I think really, I can't have it any better. Just look at my NS life for example. I'm one out of a few million who actually succeeded in getting a place in my unit, starting from post BMT.

But... It's just this particular department of my life... That bites me in the buttocks sometimes. You know?

Sometimes it feels as if you only need to change that ONE condition in that person's life, just ONE thing, and you'd have a perfect romance.

Just one.

But of course it's not true. If not God wouldn't have planned it that way.

Humans tempt themselves too much. Way too much.

Compose Blog Entry

2009-09-09T13:52:00.000+08:00

My muscles are aching from the best workout I've done in the past 3 months. I think it's best to keep my workouts like that: just 1 hour long, with some space for cardio and core after. I didn't feel the aches yesterday, but this morning the aching was so bad I swear, my shirt couldn't come off properly cos I couldn't raise my arms high enough. Great aches hurt well.

I know that last line doesn't make me sound very peace-loving and pacifistic, but whatever.

Here's an outline of my workout:

Lat pulldowns: 4 sets of 10-15 reps, weight marking 80-120

Close grip underhand lat pulldowns: 4 sets of 8-12 reps, 90-110

Seated rows: 4 sets of 13-15 reps, 36-51

Upright cable rows: 4 sets of 13-15 reps, 60-80

Machine shoulder press: 4 sets of 7-12 reps, 32-36

Machine vertical chest press: 4 sets of 7-12 reps, 54-64

Cable pushdown: 4 sets of 11-12 reps, 60-80

Cable curl: 4 sets of 9-12 reps, 60-80

(cable curl and pushdown done back to back, so one set consists of one set of pushdown and curl)

All those were the major exercises I did. I don't know what the minor exercises are called so I can't list them here. All of that takes about an hour, and is for a general workout. I don't mind repeating that on Friday.

Any suggestions to improve my workout are welcome!

Just to clarify, I'm not doing this to grow obscenely huge muscles. I just need to keep lean and in shape. I'm not into protein powder and I do not desire looking like a huge walking ball of muscle, so don't give me the O.O look when I tell you I've been working out and you tell me that I don't look buff. For some reason everyone keeps giving me that response, and it's getting a little off-putting. Balladeers can't look too muscular, if that's the justification that you want.

Also, I've been searching for job oppurtunities, performing oppurtunities and a good and reasonably priced hairstylist. I need someone to help me spruce up my image too... A little bit of presentation is needed if I want to hit the streets performing.

All this investment is in faith that I eventually will have places to sing in and that people are gonna hear me.

KILLING ME IN A WAY I DON'T KNOW HOW

2009-08-29T19:00:00.000+08:00

No not cockroaches. But I just have to get this out of my system and I don't know how to tell anyone or who I could tell who would understand. And yes, blogging about it is the stupidest way to deal with a situation like this BUT I CAN'T CARE. It's killing me, it really is.

Should I even risk it? But gosh, it's killing me harder than any other time I've had to deal with this.

God please, take ___ out of my mind. I don't know why it feels wrong, and yet I don't know why I want __ __ ____ ___ so bad. I don't know why I want to tell ___ ___ _ ____ either.

It's twisting me inside out thinking about it and thinking about the hurt I'll have to go through again. And again. And again. Please God, that one time two years ago IS ENOUGH.

I don't even know if this is right and I don't even know why it feels so wrong...

If they say I'm a cold, heartless machine, then please let me be one know. For the love of all things good, please. I've been thinking about ___ everyday for the past 6 days and I can't believe it either. EVERYDAY. EVERY MOMENT.

God, I always thought after that incident I could be on my toes and in complete control of my emotions, but no, it's only been a week and I'm dying inside.

I don't want to let go of _____ ________ and yet I know I have to douse the fire somehow.

WHY?! I've always gotten through all these scenarios like this. Putting out every fire, every spark in my heart, just because that one incident happened. Will this screw my life over forever?

And by blogging it out, I just screwed this whole scenario over. It won't end well now because I blogged about it. Everytime I blog about it, it crashes down on me and screws me over.

If only God could make this clear to me now. And every other time. I wouldn't have to go through all of this hoping and wishing for's and tearing down of my heart.

On a very good plus side, it's helped me write some of the best ballads I've ever written in my lifetime. 3 ballads in one week is one heck of a roll I'm on.

Bursts of Inspiration

2009-08-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

Not to blog, you wish ah. But to write songs. I've been getting several song ideas in my head recently and I've been writing songs furiously at work... After I "graduate" from music and drama company I'll have no more access to pianos, so I'd better write like crazy while I'm in mdc.

If I ask you to listen to a song I wrote, do not be alarmed. It is simply a process to vet my songs and to decide if I should scrap a song or keep writing it. I need people to determine if the tune(s) in my songs are from familiar songs which I don't know of so I can get the green light.

I'm STILL writing ballads like I said I would at the start of the year... Which is odd since I don't have a girlfriend/am not in love/am not brooding/am not emo/am not looking. I'm taking ideas from every corner of my life, and I mean every corner, so if it so happens anything I write in a song sounds like what happened between me and you, it probably IS about what happened between me and you.

Not that I'm very specific about these things, like most ballads AREN'T. Oh well.

I desire to return to the simple and draw nostalgia and emotion from there... The art of the memorable, nice, lovey-dovey, feel-good love song has been utterly lost in our generation.

It's been pretty taxing on my brain, but it's rewarding hearing my colleagues give me thumbs ups/thumb ups/thumbs up for my songs. (ns has definitely killed my english. Iz dead) It's not so gratifying however, to have a tune you wrote getting stuck in your head.

Oh by the way.

A cockroach flew straight into my face yesterday.

SMACK.

Initially I thought it was just a big beetle. So I swiped it off in a hurry, but wow, that was one heck of a huge beetle. We don't get moby-dick-proportion beetles in this part of Singapore.

It went under the sofa and my Dad caught sight of it. He dragged it out and moby dick ran out. These guys sure run fast. Duh, they have six legs.

And Dad immediately exclaimed...

It's a cockroach.

I think something in me threw up and swallowed it back in all at once. A cockroach smacked into my face.

Then the cockroach scurried past me and FLEW INTO MY BROTHER'S ROOM. I swear I saw it fly into his room.

(editor's note: all of that happened in about 30 seconds)

So Dad and I went hunting for it, armed with Baygon and.... Well, just one can of Baygon.

We never found the ~~little fellow~~ abomination of abominations even after flipping over the laundry and a whole lot of paraphernelia (omg I used a big word I am saved) and maybe everything that could be flipped over.

But we never found it.

And Mum asked me to wash my face because cockroaches carry several germs. So I did.

TODAY. I was happily using the computer for dunno what reason just like how everyone else in the world uses the computer for dunno what reason and suddenly MY MUM YELPED.

AAAAHH. Cockroach.

Then I was like gosh. Where.

From the shoe rack area in the living room.

I was like how did the little bugger (literally a bug heheheheheh. Heh. Heheh.) fly into my brother's room and then appear at the shoe rack area.

It could be one of the following:

1. It hid somewhere in my brother's room. OMG somewhere in my brother's room lie a set of cockroach footprints. Or more than one set. Yah.

2. It did not actually fly into my brother's room.

...

3. THERE'S MORE THAN ONE OF THOSE THINGS OMG

I think it's no. 3.

Anyway, it was pretty active and it crawled all of one metre onto our magiclean broom head. And my Mum was telling me to watch the fellow as she got Baygon and a roll of newspaper. She was like, make sure the fellow doesn't go anywhere.

I was like, how do I do that. What if it runs away.

And she didn't answer me. Oh well. Not every question in life has an answer.

...Aaaaand, she got her Baygon and the newspaper roll.

She handed me the newspaper roll.

What can you deduce from that?

Oh well. She sprayed the fellow down and it ran under the TV shelf. Then she sprayed it out. And guess what? It ran out, and IT FLEW.

From my understanding of nature and biological processes, somehow not every cockroach flys around even all of them have wings. Only BIG NASTY ONES.

Gosh this was a BIG NASTY ONE. And by cross-referencing to my superior knowledge of The Way of Nature, I concluded that this guy was indeed the idiot that smacked into my face yesterday. No. 3 can no longer be possible because for some strange reason not every cockroach likes flying.

Enter newspaper roll. BANZAIII. WHACK.

And guess what. Every whack I whacked missed the fellow. It only blew him all over the floor.

I need to equip something to up my accuracy.

Anyway, the idjit was weakening by the moment and this could have been the result of one of the following:

1. BAYGON.

2. The almighty wind from the sheer power of my newspaper whacking that has -50% accuracy and +50% attack power. I go gym one ok. I zhng my arms pls.

3. The aura of hate I have for cockroaches.

so it flew from the impact all the way into a little space between the bottom of our kitchen drawer and the floor, and proceeded to wither.

Using my aura of hate for cockroaches and trying to make up for the fact that I missed most of the time, I whacked the guy in the little crevice so hard there was a sound effect that needed a bass boost.

WHOOM. Something like that.

Anyway, the guy never stopped moving. Even at the last bit, it still shook its little creepy disgusting leg. Or foot. Whatever you call a roach's feet.

Have you ever seen cockroaches up close? I'm sure you have. Had my theology not been sound enough, I can almost proclaim that Satan created these things. Cockroaches are NOT beautiful. The bottom of my foot is a sanctuary of purity compared to the Angelina Jolie of roach world.

I told my Mum, Mummy, it's not dead yet. It'll come back to life. See the moving leg?

She said, it's dead already lah. And proceeded to shove it into a piece of newspaper and crush it.

I was like OMG. IT'LL BE BACK. I SAW IT MOVE.

Won't lah. She said, and threw it away.

What are things you can learn from this episode?

1. BAYGON FTW

2. Actually, that's about it. Get your Baygon today.

So why the segue from writing ballads to cockroaches, of all things?

You figure that one out. I've smelt enough Baygon today. Eeks. Even the vapour of Baygon has the capability to kill brain cells.

The Good News

2009-08-24T12:09:00.000+08:00

I'm posting this link on my blog so that it shows up on my blogspot one as well. I do hope everyone, Christian or non-Christian, takes the time to watch this video.

By Brad Stine, who recently became a favourite clean comic of mine.

I know a few non-Christians who read my blog, and that this video might get you asking several questions, so if you watch the vid, don't hesitate to ask me what's boggling you. I might not be able to provide the best answers, but I can try my best, and I'll do everything I can to help you out. If you're curious, the best solution is to come to church to experience it... Experience why I'd willingly give up my weekends, why I'd willingly sing, give up my time and energy, to meet and serve people who search for these answers, weekend after weekend.

To the Christians, this video inspired me a lot, so I'm sharing it with you guys. =)

Vivify Me Part 3

2009-08-23T13:29:00.000+08:00

Thank You God for being so real the past week.

Not a perfect week, but You showed up in full force.

I'm glad I have something to live for, a truth to hang on to, and people who mean that much to me.

Time to face the new week, and a new phase of ministry.

==============================================

First thing to take care of: my leg.

I injured my left leg last Friday. Question is, I don't know exactly how.

Did I run too much? I got tendonitis the last time I had a running injury. Mild case.

Did I pull something at the gym? I wouldn't know. Doesn't feel like I killed a major muscle group.

Still though..

I can't climb stairs, up or down them.

If I walk too much, it starts to hurt and numb out from pain.

If I bend it, it feels like there's something moving inside of my leg, along with a little pain.

I'm going to check it out at a GP tomorrow (about time). I do hope it's really nothing serious like my brother keeps telling me. I want to work out.

And yeah, I've been working out like a crazy fellow the past few weeks.

I realised I gained weight and I started panicking. The weighing machine gave me a number that something inside me didn't like.

So I panicked.

A few weeks later I found out that my weight is still acceptable for my height. Very acceptable in fact.

So I stopped panicking.

But I still need to work out. I dunno why. Male instinct. Hate sports but like pumping iron. And torturing myself at 5plus in the morning by running around.

One of the male instincts is to ~~try getting~~ get bigger arms, a king kong chest, wings so big you think you could flap them and fly somewhere with them, a sexy back, and a smaller midriff.

Complete with majorly carved fat-free abs.

No wonder I have to keep going to the gym. I'm not getting anywhere close.

Oh well.

There was this tip in an article on getting perfect abs in this magazine.

It said, don't push yourself too hard. If you can't get perfect abs, it's ok! Because not everyone can become Mr Olympian.

Purpose of article FAIL.

Life philosophy WIN.

====================================================

Another male instinct is to sound as technical as possible while explaining a simple concept.

The other extreme: if you don't want to explain it, just say it's supposed to be really simple.

Yeeeeeeeap.

================================================

I'm 5 months away from ORD...

It's one of those so near yet so far moments.

What will happen when I ORD.

Freedom is overrated when you don't have anything to do with it.

I can't wait for O levels and A levels to be over. That would mean 2 months left of service.

Or less.

Ok I should stop this, I'm going nowhere.

While I'm at it though, if anyone has access to performing oppurtunities, please tell me!!

What If...?

2009-07-20T16:55:00.000+08:00

I blogged about What If's almost 3 years ago and I managed to dig up the post. For the many who're not in the know, What If's are crazy concoctions of random pop culture elements put together in the form of thought-provoking questions. They're not an Internet phenomenon, just something I found in a gamers' magazine not too long ago.

Anyways, I re-read the ol' 2006 blog entry (which is not on multiply) and I found that just a select few of my original What If's were pretty interesting actually. I really don't expect anyone to understand them cos you'd have to know the same objects of pop culture as me to appreciate them.

So here it is...

In homage to a little section of the last issue of a childhood favourite, the Expertgamer magazine (which became Gamenow, which is erm, gone now), I shall attempt to cook up my own version of What Ifs, a potpourri of nonsense in the world of gaming and couch entertainment.

Dear Expertgamer editors, this is my cheers to you for bringing my brother and I countless hours of entertainment, game secrets and, well, witty nonsense.

LAME ALERT!! (Heavy dosage of game knowledge; You need to have played games for the past decade to understand anything)

What If...

1. Strike Freedom Gundam decided to crash Xenogears when he was battling the final boss dude? (and perhaps unleash a completely owning blitzkreig of I'll-create-THE-new-world-here-you-bumbling-outdated-fools doom)

2. GTA had Sweettooth as a cameo with cans of kerosene on the streets? (HELL YEAH!!)

3. You had only a crowbar in Time Crisis?

4. Bruce Lee became unlockable in Super Smash Bros.? (and still got owned by Mario in a red jumper anyway?)

5. Dragon Quest had speedboats and some rockets and some lasers and some...

6. Ortega hadn't run out of MP whilst fighting the Orochi twin dude? What a loser.

7. Aeris didn't die but decided to fall in love with Barret instead? ("She might as well die then!!!"-devastated Cloud)

8. Megaman had a gunfight with Max Payne and could use Guyver's mega smasher but Max still wins? (Megaman X is wayyyy better)

9. Silent Hill wasn't hell but heaven? (whooooooa baby, we'd all want to live forever)

10. Zelda got lost in a world of Kirbys and got kidnapped by Ganon and his horde of.. Kirbys and Link had to detour and save Princess Daisy whilst fighting off the jealousy of Mario and Ganon got taken down by Sonic the Hedgehog whilst on a speed run from Emerald to Knuckles' hideout and they all lived happily ever after?

11. The Lost Vikings got an M18 rating for blood and violence?

12. Lego Star Wars had a rating of R21 for communicating in gibberish in the midst of terrorising droids through smacking em' losers brick to brick?

13. Celebrity Deathmatch REALLY was a family show? (Nick Diamond: Sure hope the kids are watching this!!)

14. Star Fox became a 2D platformer?

15. Super Smash Bros had fatalities?

16. The ninja in Metal Gear Solid really was Spiderman?

17. The spiderman in the movies was a ninja?

18. In Dynasty Warriors you had to face off with Orcs instead of those army of weird Chinese dudes? Makes ore sense.

19. Cloud didn't have Omnislash? (can you hear the purists scream?)

20. Godzilla could fly?

21. Ultraman could blink?

22. Superman could.. Oh, never mind.

23. Marvel Alliance played like Gears of War? SWEEEET!!

To be continued!!!!...

... in a few thousand years.

* * *

And it kinda is a few thousand years later! Gosh I had no idea time could fly at that speed.

I think many of you would have, by now, unleashed a spectacular =.= on me. Hahaha.

So lemme try to add on to this list now, since I DID say I'd continue the list in the far future. This time I won't limit it to just gamer/pop culture knowledge... And I'll look back on this list a few years later perhaps.

Here goes nothing!

What if...

1. Singapore was a little BLUE dot?

2. Solid Snake from Metal Gear was named after a different animal? (Solid chimpanzee?)

3. Insects had up to a maximum of 4 legs?

4. Christopher Columbus really found India?

5. Running made you fatter and eating made you slimmer?

6. Michael Jackson died young?

7. Stephen Hawkings didn't have muscular dystrophy?

8. There was (still) only ONE language in the world?

9. The entire world had your perception of ideal weather?

10. This list went on forever?

...End.

No Motivation!!! + Another one of my big pictures

2009-07-18T07:18:00.000+08:00

No motivation to blog!!!

Despite a large number of things that have happened since the last time I blogged. Whoa, there's been Youth Sunday, MJ's death, H1N1 (now affectionately referred to as hini cos saying numbers after letters is not cool) and moar. Gosh.

God has showed His goodness and grace to me over the past few weeks. It's a challenge maintaining a cool head when people around you are chaotic and are constantly complaining over the slightest issues.

I'm currently seeking a balance in the way I teach people. I need to find a point where I can be firm without being a prick, the latter which I used to be. I don't ever want to cross some lines, but some situations have been pushing me beyond those lines. I WANT to find a way to be firm with people, something that's new and of God, not something of myself. But till then, what can I do? I can only stay still and be patient can I?

Life is interesting because you never know what you're really like. It's like how your parents know more about you than you want to admit and even vice versa sometimes... There's things like the johari window and personality tests that give a sense of comfort in this area, but really. I'd never know now will I.

Would YOU want people to tell you what you are like? Would you be ready to accept it? Could you discern truth from opinion with wisdom, or accept their suggestion with humility, even when it's far removed from who you think you are?

Do you know who you are anyway? I doubt you do.

The one question that begs to be answered in the lives of many: Who and what the heck am I???

AND the companion question: does it really matter?

I'd like to continue this train of thought. What would life be like if one day you woke up and you found that ALL your friends had always been working in a conspiracy against you, and that life was never for you. Your best friends had been in cahoots with each other all along, all over the world, all interconnected and intertwined, just to ruin your life one day.

In addition to that, you wake up to find that your family isn't your real family... And that it was "all part of the plan" to make you feel miserable and devastated.

What would you do if life collapsed on you, the whole world turned against you and ALL your friends left you? What would you do if no matter what good deed you did was only met with looks of pure hatred, the source of which you'll never find out?

Would you still keep going? To find life and God in all the corners of the streets in which you roam.. To find love again when it seems impossible?

What if one day you found out that a mass murderer and depraved lunatic who has no semblance of human heart left in him came form a background like that?

Would you STILL feel hatred towards him?

Or, "It's not his fault!!"

Would you forgive the person for killing the ones you love if he genuinely repents?

How about this:

Can you imagine the pain he went through that made him like that??

Can HE imagine the pain YOU went through for losing your loved ones to some crazy raving violent murderer??

What were we thinking about just now? Hey, it wasn't the guy's fault that he became like that. It was the way the people around him mashed his inner self to bits that drove him nuts!

Which is more likely to happen?

And who takes the blame now?

The change starts with you and me. For every single bad comment you pass around about someone and for every negative influence that you make, SOMEONE gets the little bit of hurt. SOMEONE takes the bullet. And SOMEONE out there probably has a whole lot of bullet holes left to cover up. I've given us VERY extreme examples, but I hope we don't miss the point that this is a MAGNIFICATION of what actually goes on in our lives.

If we seek to edify someone, it could be someone's life we're saving! Have you ever thought of it that way?

If we remain stubborn and unwilling to examine our faults, we could be hurting someone in the process through the way we behave.

If we don't correct others in love too, that guy gets screwed in the long run too.

There you have it, my VERY big picture of the day.

April Fools tomorrow

2009-03-31T18:27:00.000+08:00

I rubbed my eye too much again. Why my eyes love to itch this much and why they're half-closed after that is beyond me.

Already it's April... tomorrow. That'd be the 1st quarter of the year about to end. And for just a few weeks, I feel like a lot has happened... Even thought I don't remember much happening at all.

2009's been a tougher year than I expected it to be. Work is no longer smooth sailing. Leadership just got heavier. Weight is piling up on my back and it's not my own problems either.

I just had an intense time of prayer, asking the Lord to strengthen me and bless me.

I've been really open with my struggles as a leader. It doesn't only show in my words. My entire being tells people the same story. I'm uncomfortable with leading. Doesn't matter where. It feels like an allergic reaction.

I've felt like a fish flapping on dry ground many times.

And I've made so many mistakes, I can't count them anymore. It makes me sick of leading and guiding people. I feel like the world is threatening me. What do you know?? What gives you the right to be standing there doing what you do?

I feel the eyes of the world are staring me down and mocking me for not having a spine. I feel the world calling me a weakling and telling me to stand down, and believe me, I really think I should.

I feel like somewhere in famliar places, some voices are telling me that they can do what I do better than me.

What made me pick up these commitments in the first place? Was I being a complete idiot? I could lead everyone down a burning cesspit of wrong and failure. And I think sometimes I already might have.

Why is it so many people think I'm the stable one? I'm not.

And yet, I know why.

It's because I stand firm even in the worst fires. Even when I'm being burnt deep inside by what's going on, I never seem to give up.

Even when people knock me down, I still seem to stand up again.

I stand up against the darkness and I insist on walking through to reach the other end, even though I can't see in the dark.

I refuse to let go of the hand of someone who needs another hand, till the person can move along again. Even though I've no idea what to say. Or what to do. I somehow just end up doing the right thing.

I get up whenever I get knocked down, even though it hurts like hell. And if I need to, I fight back even harder.

I know I'm not a charismatic leader. I don't look within myself for guidance anymore.

I lead not because I have to but because I'm called to. Sounds loser-ish doesn't it.

Anyone in the world can do a better job than me.

I stepped into the scene, with no experience, no training, no talent.

And yet, I'm still here.

I struggle a lot, I do. But I'm still standing.

Here I am. I'm still not trained, never was. I'm still inexperienced compared to the rest of you. I'm still talentless in many areas. And I'm still the loser I was ever since primary school.

I'm not even half the worth most of you are.

But I'm still here.

And I'm still standing everytime I get burnt. Everytime I fall.

I'm still running.

What's so special about me then?

What makes me special, what makes me stand out among everyone else that draws people to me? What helps me to succeed in the ways I have when I shouldn't be?

You wanna know?

You're asking me?!

I've no idea man!!

I've no idea.

I've no idea....

I've no idea at all.

The only thing I ever did was to lean on God.

What's in me and what I do. I've no idea. I really don't.

As such, I shouldn't be here at all. I shouldn't have gotten this far. I'm only here because God convicted me to keep going, but whatever else that came along, whatever else that grew within me, I've no idea.

I'm Still Alive!!

2009-03-24T11:50:00.000+08:00

Not for long though. I just got home from AJC after doing a show there. Went unexpectedly well! The sound was beefed up by two sets of huge speaker thingamajigs and the students were looking for something away from their notes, so reception was naturally good I guess.

I had an awesome time singing just now.

Somehow, I found the inspiration to keep on singing with all I have. I'd seem to have forgotten how inspiring a song can be, how uplifting it is.

I think it's all about direction of the craft. Before this I picked up singing as a hobby... And when something that needs passion becomes like a hobby, it indeed feels like something you pick up and throw away. Like all the other hobbies I've ever had. I'm good at what I do but I don't last long at it.

This feels different now.

When you give your very best when you sing for an audience, and you tug at something in their souls... When you move them and make them feel how you feel when you sing it. Why is it so special? I can't comprehend it. It's just a sound after all.

That's magic at work there. And I've been very stupid the past few months to have wanted to throw that magic away. All because I didn't find any feeling in it, or any tangible benefits to myself or others. It's not about the benefits we get!! It's about the connection... The feeling... The souls merging together in appreciating what God has given us... Life, gifts, blessings, love, joy, fun, silliness, and even sadness. In that sense, no other instrument created on earth can do that... Only the voice can. And only a voice, sung from the heart, wanting others to know how much you've gone through, or how much life has given you... Only when backed up by such inexplicable feelings and driven with such intense passion can a voice do this.

I used to think that I could give less of myself because I don't want to be famous. I don't want the recognition that others receive, not because I'm the humblest man around, but because fame is inconvenient. (IT IS. Think about it.) One of the reasons why people don't like leadership is the kind of popularity it brings. You become popular with problems and responsibilities that sometimes aren't even your's. True not?

However, just not too long ago, and culminating in yesterday, I had a short trip on why that is wrong. I know why I shouldn't stop singing now. I have a reason.

It's not so much of simply being selfish with my voice, or being upset about turning it corporate. Rather, I found out what my voice can do if I sing with my heart... Which is what everyone's been trying to tell me the past few YEARS, but I've never really digested... Also because they don't really know how to describe it.

For some reason, singing is uplifting. It lifts people out of dark feelings, or brings them to emotional places. It touches people and touches hearts... And inspires them. And... Inspiration is a wonderful thing. to inspire a child to believe in himself or herself. To inspire someone to change and believe in the good. To inspire people by sharing your broken heartedness with them to show them they're not alone in feeling those feelings. To inspire people by showing them the hope of Jesus Christ... To draw them closer to God with a voice, is really something they can't let go of! A marvelous voice just gets to you when you're taking it in.. It draws you closer to liberation, especially when you've trapped yourself in your own pit. It draws out the innermost feelings you have and helps you let go of them.

THAT'S what inspiration is. It's to pick your soul up when it's been driven to the floor.

And, when a voice takes that direction of growth, it can do things beyond imagination.

If God gave me the ability to sing like this for a reason... Then I want to keep doing it. I want to keep seeing people's faces lift after hearing me. Not because I'm good or special, but because they need to hear inspiration.

I WON'T GIVE UP. I won't give it up anymore. I'll keep going. I'll sing for people. I'll sing to my children. To my lover.

Not because of what I am, but because of what I've been given, and because the world needs to hear something different, deep down in their souls, to pick themselves up with again.

I'm Still Alive!!!

2009-03-24T11:28:00.000+08:00

Fuddled Thinking

2009-03-07T06:12:00.000+08:00

It's been a really long while since I've been on this blog. I feel really tired from all the things that have gone on, and I haven't been getting any breaks from work thus far. I guess the days where I had no shows for weeks on end were luxuries... This time it's been show after show after show, wait after wait after wait. If they talk about having no life, then I guess this must be it.

To superiors in the office, treat your employees like human beings. Don't waste their time because you never know when they might get the ability to waste yours. Don't let someone wait 2 hours for nothing when you can avoid it, just to save your own skin. It's not ethical, and it's not doing yourself a favour in any case.

I wonder what it takes to be a good uncompromising boss. What does it take to not use your authority, to not treat your employees like how you used to be treated in the past while you were getting to that position?

Life goes in circles; it takes one honourable man to stop the cycle: One man who wants to make a change, who truly doesn't want the cycle to happen ever again, to make that. Corruptibility of motives is correlated to a man's perception of compromise... And perhaps a man's desire to take it far down the road.

How do you finish well what you started well? What is finishing well? Is it a satisfaction of looking back or a satisfaction from looking ahead?

They say change is coming and change is already here. What changes? What doesn't? What won't?

Some changes take generations, and some changes come from breaking habits. Habits are hard to break, but some are broken because we outgrow them. Will we outgrow change? Have we outgrown it somehow?

The world is changing, but Man stays the same. Man changes the world because Man stays the same: the desire to be different, the desire to create, the desire for the betterment of human lives, but ultimately staggered by overwhelming differences in philosophies, to become corrupted in the eyes of many.

It's difficult to finish well. Very difficult.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

One thing I know that I have found. Man changes the world, but is never satisfied. Man changes his ideas with the purpose of being different but somehow it fades into simplicity after a while. At the end of it all, it looks like Man runs on creative energies... To feed his hunger for newness of life. And yet we must pursue change! To better ourselves in the face of morphing realities, and to reach out to those who got caught up in the winds of change... And who sometimes get shredded in the winds.

Man was ultimately created in the image of God. We desire to create, and we desire to love, above the sin that runs our world. Our span for creativity knows no bounds. However our span for creativity is limited by the one thing that we cannot ever grasp: Quantity.

God created out of nothing; Man created out of what God put in place.

God created out of His characteristic of love. God changed the world because He loves us.

And He sure hasn't changed the way He's been thinking.

I'm sure you all know, a perfect world with imperfect Mankind eventually turns corrupted again. God knows what we're going through. And He's wise enough not to change our circumstances because without the wisdom we get from these tough times, we'd just make our circumstances implode on us.

Eve and Adam ate from that tree because of their innate desire to create... change. We're made in the image of God... And God is a creator. I think I understand... That God didn't want to remove our capability to create because of the absolute delight in creation. The one thing He wouldn't change in us is our intellectual curiousity... If not our likeness in Him and our joy of being in such a world would be dashed to the ground.

We were fated to destroy our world, from the very beginning, because of our desire to create, but our disability to create out of nothing. We have to take something out of the world to create something new. (a simple way to understand it is this: we are creations and creations cannot create like their creator) The whole irony of it all is that out of all this mayhem comes another characteristic that defies the rest of the world.

It's love.

And we need each other.

It's a messed up world, and we're messed up people, because of our desire to be different and renewed. But if we look to nature and the heavens and admit there is a God, then why aren't we turning to this creator to be complete? We were created by Him, but not to be equal with Him... Therefore logically we need Him so much... That is what I understand by the vacuum in our hearts that needs to be filled by God. We can be renewed by Him... We need to be. Because as creations we are in ourselves incomplete... Whereas in God, the one who created us, there is completion.

One thing I know that I have found. Man is finite. Therefore Man's creations are flawed. But God.

Here's a different thing altogether.

You and I are miracles in themselves.

But without God, an obsolete miracle.

Because while Man is ever-changing, God is never changing.

THAT is one reason why we need HIm so much.

~~~~~~~~~~

2009-02-22T15:37:00.000+08:00

I'm happy that my tilde key now works. My old keyboard just broke down on me.

Nice new black keyboard. Niiiiice.

I hope I didn't shock anyone too badly from the last post. But it's reality: in our spiritual walks, we all face struggles... And I'm praying still for the breakthrough that God will show me this year...

God the sovereign, the almighty who loves.

The most mind-blowing concept I've ever swallowed in my life.

And guess what. God is real. He is ALIVE.

He speaks to each and every one of us, in our troubles, in our trials, when we go on our knees.

I pray for the strength to obey Him. Because I don't want to run from His greater glory. The greater glory in seeing youths moved by the power of the Holy Spirit in worship. Oh, how beautiful and powerful our God is! That He is such a personal and loving God, in the deepest of our struggles, in the darkest of our trials.

Lord, change me more. Use all of me. More so than ever before.

Take my five loaves and two fishes... And Lord, multiply that beyond our wildest imagination. Help me get on my knees and surrender to You.

Beautiful Lord, wonderful saviour. I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand, and crafted into Your PERFECT plan.

~~~~

2009-02-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

Finally, the long series of rehearsals is over, the TD event is over... Then when March comes, I'll feel a lot more relaxed.

One thing people need to note is that when it comes to blogging, I'm very indulgent. I write what I want to write, and whether or not you thought that wasted your time, I really shouldn't be bothering... And it's actually happened so many times. There was once I posted something out of complete indulgence and I got a comment down there that went -.-' or something. It was as if I wasted a few minutes of that person's life.

My stand: I don't bother how much time this thing takes out of your life. The fact that you're reading anyway means you have time to spare and you got nothing to do in the first place.

NOW that being said, I'm going to continue with my delightful spate of indulgence. If you actually saw through my ploys and you happen to read my multiply very often... You MIGHT realise what I'm doing.

Firstly the title suggests that I'm being indulgent again and it might irk some people to not read this. Secondly, for people who use multiply and see my update, they won't be led to read this because I deliberately started out with something that makes you go, ugh, he's doing it again. This is boring and it's got nothing in it for me. Thirdly, if you actually read past the paragraph on me being indulgent, then you're lucky enough to not have fallen for my other trick of trying to offend you because you know me too well to believe that I'm trying to offend someone.

SO, this means you actually want to read my blog post now. And this also means little to nobody have read this at all OR want to read this and I've succeeded in my little ploy of letting my feelings being known to nobody.

SO I can continue with my blog post.

If you read till here, you either skipped the above few paragraphs with disgust, indifference, accidentally, or you somehow actually want to know more about me, which is fine. It's up to you and I can't stop you. Realise however, that this is also MY blog and MY opinion and YOU in turn can't stop me.

I've spent enough time feeling lousy about this in the dark and it's time everyone knew about it.

I go on and on and on about singing all day and how I love it and what not. But the dark truth is I'm feeling less and less for it.

Singing is meaningless.

Meaningless.

What can it do for me. Nothing. Money-wise, I can't make a living with it. I'm not good enough to make a living with it. If it's attention I want so badly, I don't get enough from it and I won't ever get the attention I will eventually want from it.

It's meaningless.

People's compliments feel meaningless. I can't accept compliments anymore. Meaningless. Thanks, I appreciate that you listened and you liked the effort I put in, I really do, but it doesn't get any further than that.

Meaningless.

I can't make anyone feel special by singing.

Meaningless.

I can't change anyone's lives. I can't bless anyone by singing. So why do I even try. Why do I even do. Meaningless.

Meaningless.

I only sound good for a moment and that's it. IT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL. It does NOTHING for me. I'm sorry I used the word "me" there but I'm being honest with myself here.

MEANINGLESS. FRUSTRATING. Nothing can come out of this.

After I leave MDC, I want to give up singing before it haunts me this much.

Meaningless. Nothingness. Nothing worth pursuing.

After I ORD, I'll leave it to fly to the wind.

I'll creep out of the scene.

Year by year, I'll sing less and less.

I'll start life anew. All of you who've heard me before WILL forget I ever sang that well. Because you can't match my voice to my face anyway, so you will forget how I sound like. Don't believe, check back a decade later. Or even 5 years later. Heck, maybe even next year. You'd have forgotten completely.

If I'm meant to get married, I'll find someone new. I will never sing to her. She will never know I can sing. Nobody will bother to tell her. We'll be happily married and I'll never have to sing. My children will never find out I used to sing.

If I don't, I'll have a different career. And life will go on with no singing.

I'll switch ministry to ushering, or prayer, the latter which I enjoy so much more.

I'll thank singing for the oppurtunities it has brought me. I'll thank God for giving me these times of working with fantastic people and all. I will. But that's all.

This isn't about failure.

This isn't about dissatisfaction.

This is hell not reverse psychology because reverse psychology doesn't work for crap.

It's just that my effort is better spent elsewhere.

It's just that this is a stupid line of work to do. It's a stupid hobby. Men shouldn't be concerned with stupid hobbies and should just have good solid jobs correct. Men should be stable; singing isn't making me stable. It's doing otherwise.

I'll live the quiet life. Where no one notices me. Like its meant to be. Like it was meant to be from the start.

I'll go to a ministry that's behind closed doors because that's how I desire to grow. That's how I was made to grow. I'm not meant to be on a stage. I'm not meant to lead. I'm not meant to emcee.

Enough of singing. Next year on. Next year, there'll definitely be less of it. This year I have to stick with it till I ORD, but next year on.

Meaningless.

Thank you for bearing with my indulgence. But like I said, it's my blog. It's my opinion. So it ends there.

It ends here.

END.

For the Longest Time

2009-02-14T06:32:00.000+08:00

The timeless Billy Joel classic.

I realise I haven't posted in more than a week. Got nothing on my mind and I've been really busy... I can't wait for Monday though. That's when things cool off a little. Just a little.

Hmm, what's on my mind today?

It's such a complete blank up there, it's stunning.

OH YES. Today's Valentine's day. Got nothing for that though. Will be staying home till I go out for night rehearsal later.

The Total Defence event is tomorrow. I think some of us have seen posters all around Singapore about it... There'll be an entire program on Total Defence tomorrow. And I've got a set with my acappella group tomorrow at 1pm at suntec tower 2, outside carrefour (however you spell it) so if you're reading this somehow on time and you wanna see what I do at MDC, you can pop by and have a listen.

Then there's the musical revue, highlighted slightly in the papers about two weeks ago. It's tomorrow at 2pm and 5pm at suntec tower 2.

I doubt anyone will read this on time anyway. It's nothing big so never mind.

I can't wait for Dragon Quest V ds to be on the shelves. The last time Dragon Quest IV came on the shelves early, so I thought this time it'd be as early too... Guess I was wrong. OR maybe I'm too impatient. The release is next Tuesday officially, but I went to check yesterday. Silly me. Big Bang Mini also isn't out yet... For some reason. It's already 2 weeks past the release date. I think what's worse is that game shop owners don't even know what it's about. Gah.

I'll get back to this when my head clears up.

Sniffles Might Kill Me

2009-02-03T07:33:00.000+08:00

Just not too long ago I took MC for sniffles, and this time I've fallen victim to the cold again. However, this time round, my doctor's diagnosis of my problem was more startling.

It appears that I've developed allergic rhinitis (running nose caused by allergy). While it's a pretty common allergy in people, it also means I'm very vulnerable to common colds and a nose with rather spastic behaviour. Before this week I've never seen bright yellow mucus before, but now I think I've seen it all. Coming out of my own nose.

The doc told me that my condition WILL affect my work... And most of you know what my work is. This means, this new allergy I've developed WILL affect my singing. For now the allergy has made my throat swollen, and it appears that my throat WILL swell up everytime this happens. And it's an allergy to dust and stimuli from dust... So apparently I'm gonna get it pretty often.

So... If my allergy continues to persist... I don't think I can sing ever again.

Therefore, I'd like to get this stupid allergy out of my system as fast as possible. Because losing my voice (forever?) to an allergy looks quite set to happen now actually.

On the bright side, everytime my throat swells up from the mucus and allergic reactions, my vocal chords remain unaffected to a certain degree. Hmm, divine protection?

Science Vs Faith

2009-01-27T16:07:00.000+08:00

I don't know how many times we've had debates about Science and God and how they can't coexist and blablabla. There's just this one thing that bugs me when it comes to science.

A lot of scientific evidence and theory comes from human observation. When we SEE a tree, it's because light bounces off the tree and goes into our retinas, where nerve impulses travel down our synapses and eventually get intepreted by our brain.

Nobody questions how accurate human observation through our 5 senses can be. What if humans don't actually see what's going on around that tree, but actually merely intepret a physical part of it that we're capable of seeing? You can't make a theory about what you can't observe... That's a classic argument against creationism.

Then again... Are we really sure we've observed everything?

If we recognise that human eyes can't see in certain physical spectrums and human ears can't hear beyond certain soundwaves, how sure can we be that we're absolutely correct about our observations? Our benchmark is ourselves correct. In Science, there's no further benchmark than the human physical limit.

Take this for example: We can't travel at the speed of light. So all our theory about the speed of light and light itself in every spectrum hasn't actually been proven beyond human inventions that allow us to observe light.

So how do we know that what we can't see isn't there? We can't actually see a lot of things, because if light travels and we can't see its action, then how do we know we're actually getting JUST the image of the tree? It's all we can perceive. That's all our bodies can receive.

How do we know that what we hear is everything we hear? We can't even hear what dogs can hear. So what if you blew a dog whistle and the dogs howl. There's only so much frequency that dog whistle can take you to. What's beyond that? Are we sure we can dismiss it just because it physically damages us? What if it's something else? Something that numbs our ears, or our ears are numb to... Something that reaches far deeper inside us... Such that we don't physically hear it.

If Science was meant to disprove God, then it's failing in one aspect. God is meant to have capabilities far beyond our understanding... So how does Science disprove God when it's built on human understanding? In the end, you can't prove that God doesn't exist, because we simply can't take ourselves beyond the level needed to disprove the existence of a higher being.

We can't explain everything.

To me, that's a little bit of what giving in is about. We can't ever see a larger picture no matter how hard we try. But we're almost built to be that way. You put a guy in a dark, creepy place and he freaks out. He can't see anything, so his mind forces him to build his expectations based on a lack of observation. When we give in to God and surrender our situation to God, we're in that dark place, but we're acknowledging that God, who sees all, is there for us and seeing us through.

I pray for the strength to grow in this understanding. Godly men of faith astound me because of the depth of the relationship they have with God that allows them to let go of their 5 senses... And over time I've found for myself that God wants me to understand that I have to trust His guidance... And at the end of the day, the times I surrendered to Him were the best times I had... And I never came to find out till I, well, found out.

God give me the patience to sit through my dark spots this year... There's a lot of waiting and growing that You want me to do and experience... And I struggle with it because of my own impatient nature. There's no other way I can go around it... But give it all to You.

Eagles

2009-01-19T14:14:00.000+08:00

This year, things change.

Youth ministry has taken a huge step up in dynamism and the eagles commitee is finally up and about. Things still feel pretty daunting in there, and there's a ton of things to take care of during the first three months at work and in worship, but with God's presence, I'll pull through.

Speaking of God's presence, I could sense a comeplete change in the environment during response time on Saturday. I felt filled with the Holy Spirit... I felt led to pray with a huge, powerful, stirring conviction in my heart. It was so strong, the fire was so strong.

Yesterday, after morning service, Janie shocked us by telling the whole group of us (dilly-dallying as usual) that we had to go blitz block 457 (I think) with oranges!! Gasp. While blitzing would be considered scary on its own, being shocked all of a sudden didn't help us out one bit.

And so Joseph gave his war cry and we went to the block. We packed the oranges and CDs into the bags and we partnered ourselves up in teams of guy and girl. Grace Yaw came along with me and we chatterbox-ed our way up.

Guess what. We had a blast blitzing the units. Thank God I had Grace Yaw the natural chatterbox with me to help alleviate my innermost fears of dealing with akward situations. Initially all I had to do was knock or press the doorbell, and I warmed up accordingly =P The akwardness left quickly as we knocked door to door, waiting a good 1 to 2 minutes for each door to open (persistence!!), and trying to bless the ones who attempted to close the door on us by just standing there long enough and by promoting free oranges. It was so fun and addictive, and very reawrding, knowing that God planted seeds with each one we hoped would leave our hands. Yaw described it as a warm fuzzy feeling. Fuzzz.

AWESOME! We cleared all 10 bags and we nearly had to get Joseph to run upstairs with extras, and by the time we got down I was pumping my fists in the air. Praise the Lord for using us to sow so many seeds! Mark Cheong was in disbelief when I told him I had an awesome time... He replied that we must've gotten the good floors. Lol.

Then wang and mish and me bummed around in Causeway Point (albeit separately) for a bit, before I headed home and had a loooong chat with Q over msn regarding important issues. Way to be vague. I decided not to take a nap to avoid being absolutely stoned.

I left the house at 5.15pm to attend the first eagles comm meeting evar. Had good discussion and fellowship. Glad that both Pris and Keith are with me on this thing. Woohoo!

Thus ended my day yesterday. I'm excited at what the Lord will bring to us this year... Crazy ideas, rides of faith, powerful epic transformation... And YOUTH SUNDAY. Now that we've got woodlands... Heheheh.

This week is set to be another busy week... Busy busy busy.

Since I'm already here, I'd like to be shameless for a bit. I'll be part of the calefare chorus for this year's Total Defence launch musical. It'll be held at Suntec (not sure where in it) on the 15th of Feb, 5pm. ALSO, the vocal ensemble guys (which is my group) MIGHT be having a set on that day, so if you wanna hear what I sing outside, you can block out the day for this. Not sure if we're really gonna do it, and if we are, not sure what time because our management is dumb. Simple as that. Will inform everyone on this space asap. Watch this space! As they always say.

For now, life is beautiful, and I'm trying to finish up a song to fill my 11-song list. I've finished 2 already and recorded one in mp3 (without accompanying track). I'll need a synthesiser software thingy and a wicked music composing assistant to help me fill out these things with good, lovey-dovey ballady music. If there's anyone free enough to help me out, I'm willing to let you try. After all, this is a non profit project for talented people with too much time.

To douse your burning curiousity that might be giving you heartburn, I'll give a short lowdown on the two songs I've finished.

The first one is a song some of you might have insisted from me called Someday I'll Know. A song I wrote on a whim in sec 4 or so, it was left tentative and unfinished till last year, when I picked it up, finalised the melody and recorded it in a faster tempo. April kindly helped me fill out the chords and we'll be jamming it out soon. The song's basically about the singer wondering when his true love is about to come, going on a little trip in his mind and filling out the melancholy with a bright and hopeful tune. A quick heartwarmer song, easy to sing and for myself to deliver.

The second is called Unforgettable. It's a belting type of song, and it's rather cliche in terms of theme, the typical can't-get-over-her song, but with an experimental tune on the theme of romantic nostalgia. It's my first conception of looking back on a past love... And it takes a lot of maturity to do that, as I realised, because I had to imagine what it would be like to compose it, and very hard indeed. I envision an orchestra and timpanis on this one, so I really badly need a synthesising program that can help me add these things in... Depends though, on whether I'd know how to use these things.

I came up with a song title, called Beautiful Mystery just last month... I haven't dug up any ideas on what it'll be like yet, though I want it to be a relatable pop song. The song I'm currently working on is called You Are So Beautiful. And yes, with a oft-cliched theme, one needs a reeeeeeeally beautiful, heart-stopping melody, and I'm just about challenging my brain and creativity to do that.

With that, I'd like to thank the few people who've heard my song Someday I'll Know and gave me a thumbs up for it... I really appreciate your support. It's hard to write without knowing how to play guitar or keys really well, and as such it's been a really tough songwriting journey for me, but nevertheless, I'll persevere to improve myself. =)

Here's to a blessed week!

New Groundz

2009-01-15T14:24:00.000+08:00

And so the third week of January is coming, and I've been involved in several tiring, but fun and rewarding rehearsals. I really like the new batch of singers in the ve... Clicking with them takes so much less effort than it took last year (and I eventually made it last year... But it still took quite some). Also, it seems I won't be up to anything stressful, with regards to leadership -and there isn't much leadership to do at work as I've found- till later in the year.

The ve has been rehearsing rigorously with some really experienced Singapore musical veterans, acting as part of the chorus to the up and coming Total Defence musical. It's cheesy, it's full of cliches (total defence lah, can't really expect much from the theme), but it's really all refreshing and fun at the same time. Rehearsals take up a lot of time but it's been rewarding, working with big (yet humble!!) names, making new friends and experiencing a whole new class of art altogether. It's been really awesome and I look forward to the actual event itself, which is gonna be at Suntec on the 15th of Feb. My two new(er) colleagues gripe over not having enough time to spend with their girlfriends, so I thank God for being single.

Praise the Lord for fun rehearsals! Haven't felt this refreshed in a long time. =)

Meanwhile, the mornings have been very cold, and I've upgraded my running distance to 3.2km(-ish) in the mornings. It feels great to have the cold morning air rush past your body as you take that slow run at your own pace.

One more day to go till weekend! Woop! Life feels great so far. Praise the Lord for this refreshing start!

When It Happens, It Happens

2009-01-05T15:44:00.000+08:00

When it happens, it happens.

When God provides, it is the best time.

Jeremiah 29:11... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

This year looks set to be an exciting yeat alright.

I went for my first rays prayer yesterday, and I can't describe enough how awesome God's presence was in there. He was there... He really was. The worship setting was humble, but God's presence was so awesome.

How? How did God change these ordinary people into such godly people?

This year, I shall grow to put God in the centre of my life.

There are just so many things that could stumble me now.

But I will draw my white line and stand firm.

God is life. No God is unlife.

The simplest, hardest equation of all.

I pray I will understand it more this year.

PATIENCE. PATIENCE.

DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE.

PRAYER.

LOVE.

Lord change me. Transform me further. Let me grow in wisdom and love. Let me release the things that bind me down.

I can do this.

Philippians 4:13.

I CAN DO THIS.

Not I but Christ who lives within me.

Year in-review 2008

2008-12-30T06:25:00.000+08:00

Time flies really quick, and today might just be the last post of 2008. What have I been doing the past 12 months, and how has that made me as a person? In general, I’ve gotten a lot stronger internally, and a lot flabbier externally, heheh.

It’s always great to do a summary of my entire year at the year’s end. So, without further ado, I shall start my year in-review for 2008. Today is Sunday, Dec 28, 2008.

JANUARY:

So, A levels finished themselves a long time back from here. The world had just recovered from Mark and Sue’s wedding from 29^th December 07 and school restarted itself for all others who remained students in the new year.

Me?

None of that for me. What was to come was so much…. Weirder and more menacing in a sense. I was to enter NS in about 3 weeks. Within the month of January, I led more worship, this time being more experienced from the breakthrough camp the previous December. I also went back to see my juniors in their auditions and helped out their cca showcase. Wearing the school uniform was strangely familiar.

Anyway, on the 2^nd week, I went for an audition that changed my whole life. Brendan, my good friend from AC choir batch of 07, brought me and some other guy called Jerome Ng for an audition at MDC. As most people already know, I passed the audition and got into the vocal ensemble, and a few others also know that I sang the Korean song on my blogspot blog. That gave me an edge actually, because I was easily remembered, and it helped the people there recognize me when they lost my audition form.

Also at the start of the year was web’s move to the main sanctuary. It was a little overwhelming at first, but we eventually made use of the space and the ministry grew in numbers.

So on the 24^th of January I got enlisted. That day was iconic because I saw my Dad cry for the first time in my 19 year old life. I’d NEVER seen him cry anywhere else. Not even when his own father died.

The first 2 weeks of bmt got wedged in between January and February. My bunk mates were fantastic people and we had a good time in the bunks, at the running route and the jungle, for a day or two. Found out that camo cream is a disgusting substance… And that the weapon we took so much care of is such a disgrace. Outdated, inefficient, hard to clean.

So I survived 12 long days of bmt, and got out on Chinese New Year Eve.

FEBRUARY:

I nearly teared eating the nian gao my mum cooked. She gave it to my Dad, who brought it to Pasir Ris, where he waited at White Sands to pick me up.

And whoa, having a head emptied of hair was scarily refreshing.

CNY was quite ok, and I remember that it was a reeeeeeally long break for us, about 6 days, before we all trudged back into the ferry for Tekong on the following Tuesday.

We learnt about grenades, got (more) used to Tekong, and went outfield. Tekan-ing sessions abound… And more camo cream. Nearly 5 days of camo cream later, we all got out of there safe and sound. I crawled the Battle Innoculation Course to end it off. It’s actually quite a joke because the live rounds fired above your head are too high up to hit you even if you were standing anyway. Then I experienced combat rations and wondered how good the ones in Metal Gear Solid must be to actually heal Snake’s injuries.

Then again, it’s just a game.

And it’s Solid Snake.

MARCH:

By this time, I had thrown a real grenade. The experience was incredible and really unlike what you see in the movies. No fire, just a huge cloud of smoke, a REEEEEEEEEEEALLY huge blast, and the ground shaking. All from that tiny little green thing. I nearly freaked out, holding the grenade in my hand and getting ready to throw it… But thankfully it went well and there weren’t any delays. Every grenade from my platoon was thrown and exploded properly.

This month was the month for A LEVEL RESULT COLLECTION. I remember the entire journey there was so nerve-wrecking, and there were MANY surprises. A lot of people didn’t do as well as expected, and a lot of people also did better than expected. My results were actually not as good as predicted, but the journey I took spiritually to that point had prepared me for anything. In the end, I went to the hall entirely zonked out, having just booked out in the morning, so I couldn’t care less who went on stage and what not. I just wanted to go home as soon as possible, and I did. My results were ok lah. Not gonna cry over spilt milk and I really did everything I could within my means and maturity anyway.

The A level results taught me one thing: God still loves you no matter what the result, and that everything happens for a reason. Your results really don’t define you at all, and will probably bring you to the best places you need to be if you dedicated them to God. You aren’t any better than the guy who got no A’s, and you aren’t any worse than the guy who got 7 A’s. In the end, everyone dies, passes on from this earth, whether or not you’re a genius, a mass murderer or a saint.

What do you live on? Who do you live for? These are the questions that will help you deal with your results, good or bad. Give thanks, no matter what happens. =)

By the 3^rd week of bmt, I had fired my gun for the first and the last time, and we all went off, never to be recruits again.

I got into MDC as my posting, and while I jumped off my chair in excitement, the first day I got there was a bummer. Apparently there was no news that I’d be in and they attempted to re-audition me to try to justify my reason for being there because those bumbling idiots (since I now personally know them anyways, haha) lost my audition form. That didn’t work because I got full marks for my pitching, albeit I still couldn’t sing because of a very bad flu from bmt. In the end the guy who passed me came in (LATE), and approved me, to my huge relief, and I was given the official welcome. How he remembered? The Korean song. See how listening to other kinds of music can help you out? Haha.

APRIL

I started performing about 3 weeks after getting into MDC. I got my office attire and did my first show at AJC!! I had a ton of lyrics to memorise, and Apologise was a real pain in the brain.

We finished recording We Are Singapore for NDP, and we received news that we had to lip-synch on stage. Argh.

Nothing much else really happened… So things went fine.

MAY

Even more and more shows. I can’t remember but I think I had my first dinner show at ECP in May. This was the month where they broke the news to us about NDP rehearsals. My heart was shattered I tell you, because it meant I’d have to skip Saturdays and I wouldn’t be able to sing at worship for a good 3 months. It was painful because I didn’t have much time left as a youth, and in fact I was supposed to be in the RAYs ministry at this age, but because the senior zone was newly formed, the older youth (mostly guys) were to stay behind.

In the end Matthew encouraged me and helped me settle this issue…

The Sichuan earthquake occurred in this month I think.

AND finally at the end of the month was it? Was the ACJC choir’s Europe choral tour. I was praying very hard for them, especially since Grace and Jon Lee were with them. They did very well and they enjoyed themselves a whole lot, and I thought they’d better, because Chenzhong gave me quite some trouble prior to this. Haha.

JUNE

The 2^nd week of June was the start of our first real rehearsals. I still couldn’t grapple with the fact that I had to be there the entire afternoon to evening just to lip synch on stage for less than 5 minutes, but I went with it anyway. Saturdays were a mad rush for me because I had to set out in the early afternoon and I would rush all the way back from the floating platform to make it on time for the end of web service at bukit panjang.

June was the month leading up to the opening of WDL EFC. There was a lot of excitement and prayer over the new building, which we’re all so used to today. The webs were moving and packing the fishbone things up one day and I was helping them in the evening (namely Jingyi, Sarah, Mag-the-lene and Quek-the-man), and that was when I realised how soon it was gonna be. Now, I can’t remember just when we did that, but we did have our fun and reminiscing moments in the grace sanctuary. Old skool lah.

Then they released the photographs of the new building and I was like WAH AWESOME.

JULY

The month leading up to NDP. Shows were piling up and by now I had a whole bunch of solos to do. We had to perform We Are Singapore in public, so we needed to settle those things too.

On the 6^th of July was ACJC choir’s AEWF. I really enjoyed that one, and this time I was part of the audience with some of the webs. Heheh. I loved the water song and the solos! Felt awesomely proud of my juniors.

I remember somewhere in the middle of the year I was struggling with my voice, and I was working so hard to experiment with and to improve my voice, that I’d been damaging my voice AND my body from all the work. Anyway I know now that I wouldn’t know the keys to unlock the secrets till November.

July was the time when MDC suddenly gave me one crapload of work to do. I had a 20 day work week during this month I remember. I think I’ll have another one next year. Or, potentially, another few.

And oh yes, by now, I’d found out that make up is a more disgusting substance than camo cream. Ew, it stinks.

AUGUST

August! The eventful month. First up, my birthday, with all the odd presents, and one huge present from God in the form of a miracle. That’s right, my 19^th birthday is one I will never forget, because it was the birthday in which God gave me a miracle for a present. I had a bad cold on my birthday, and by the next day my voice and body were completely healed.

Right before NDP was the start of the Beijing Olympics 2008! The opening ceremony owned our NDP very badly. From here, we had plenty of Michael Phelps admirers, Usain Bolt parodies, and a whole lot of fuss over a little silver medal that Singapore got in table tennis.

NDP came and went!! PHEW. National Day itself was the webs’ National Day outreach. I remember feeling really irate from rushing down from the floating platform straight after my segment, but feeling ultimately relieved when I reached Clarissa’s house… I had a great time there, and thanks Josh Simon and Ian Tan for praying for me that day. It really blessed my life from there I believe. =)

Yeap, we had fun, and the very next day I had to perform at the Istana. AGAIN. GROAN. And I had to sing Jacintha’s solo again. GARGH.

August was the month I experienced the mixed voice. I did experiments with it and I was very dissatisfied with the outcome, lol. Anyway!

CEFC 30^th Anniversary service!! I was ushering and Pris was singing and I missed it, aww. Gurmit’s speech was awesome, everything was awesome.

The new bv’s came in and I conducted the “audition”. Heheh. You guys are crazy. Actually the only real guy is Duane but he’s so shy. You girls are crazy.

RSAF open house!! That was the period when WEB moved to WDL CEFC!!!! *Dang dang dang dang* And it was also my extremely long work week, with –listen for it!- 8 SHOWS IN A ROW. EIGHT. I was exhausted after that. Anyway the second day of RSAF open house was the first day of web in woodlands!! It was pouring that day. I had just done two shows at Paya Lebar… And when we were done, it was POURING. So bad, till I couldn’t see what was outside. And it was flooded, gosh. I braved the rain somehow and rushed all the way back to church. My jeans were SOAKED, and my feet got real bad peels from being in soggy socks and shoes for the whole evening, and I was EXHAUSTED, but it was worth it singing for web’s inaugural service at woodlands.

So much for being exhausted. I still had to get up early in the morning to go to church, and work. AGAIN. GROAN.

Whatever the gripes were, I came out of it a much stronger person. The singing tips and encouragement I got from my colleagues helped me improve my voice, real slowly, but surely.

SEPTEMBER

I don’t really remember much about September…

My group was working on new songs for the up-and-coming Rocky tour. One of those was End of the Road by Boyz2Men, and I’m very glad we don’t ever have to do that song again.

My vocal growth remained stunted, and my worship leading commitments had to be put aside for the time being because of my heavy schedule.

And some of you got your prelim results back. Was a pretty tough time for everyone.

I finalized and recorded the song Someday I’ll Know in this month, so for some of you who’ve heard it, it’s a really old song, dating back to my secondary school days. I wrote it in 5 minutes and I edited and completed it this year.

Ok, looks like I can’t remember anything else significant that happened in September.

OCTOBER

October was a real busy month for me because Rocky tour was coming up in a matter of weeks. The J2s and O lvl students were mugging like mad, and I was practicing like mad. My voice still hadn’t grown, but I was learning about support and it was veeeeeeeerrry slowly making some sense.

October was the month of the global financial breakdown. I know times were already getting bad, but this was the month it just peaked and crashed down on all of us. My family struggled during this time, and I remember that it was difficult for me to accept as well. Thankfully though, since we never touched stocks, we remained safe from the largest pitfalls.

During this time I started to resolve my deepest problems and I started finding really big answers to some of these things.

NOVEMBER

November began with the Rocky tour. It was really hectic and draining, yet I learnt a whole lot of stuff from it. Throughout the trip I sang with mixed voice and I invented a new warm-up (using something that Kim told me) that allowed me to hit my entire range so far. This warm-up became really popular with the rest of the singers and artistes somehow. However I still had not grasped the mixed voice totally and I realised that by pushing my voice too much, it was tiring out too fast. The last performance I did, I finally stopped using the mixed voice warm-up. It was like some sort addictive vocal steroid that had really short term effects.

Fortunately I also trained in consciously using my diaphragm… So that’s one more takeaway.

Aside from that, we went to several locations, including a very spiffy theatre, to sing, dance and play our instruments. I learnt a lot about showmanship during this time, as well as presentation of self, heheh. I enjoyed the times we had to ourselves… It was wicked fun. The scenery at the beach was great, the temperature was ok, the food was solid, and the shopping was cheap. I don’t mind going back to Australia again, and not for work the next time. I really missed home, but a few days after I got back, I kinda missed Rocky.

The O lvls finished up while I was gone, and the A lvls started when I left. When I came back, most had finished their exams. I love it when exams are over, even when I’m not taking them; it just lightens the whole mood. That’s what you call holidays man, not some period of time in school when you still have to wake up and go for school in slightly smaller waves.

Finally, after ALL that hard work I put into my voice, FINALLY, I improved tremendously. TREMENDOUSLY. My voice warped into something so different I can barely recognize it now. I’m officially a full-fledged tenor. I discovered support, a completely new technique that boosted my range without adding strain, a new belting voice… Everything just came in and I got really stunned by how much it changed.

DECEMBER

DECEMBER! My favourite month of the year, quite obviously, was ridden with several activities. For one, I had many shows to be done with the MDC, and I sang in worship for almost the entire month. Everything climaxed with FACES, and I got quite stressed about everything going on, which probably led to my fever the week before the event. Nevertheless it went well.

Christmas time was an uneventful time. I used Christmas itself to rest up and be myself. Watch youtube, polish my songs, and well. Sleep. As much as I could.

December was the month I made up my mind to try going for an album of my own. I told Joegoh that he’s right about my being inspired by Vocaluptuous’s awesome performance to become a real singer, but I don’t want to go into the acappella genre again. Just… Sing on my own, or in a pop group or something. I wonder if I’ll get there, or if I’ll get stumbled by the people around me who label me first. In any case, I’m a very determined person (or so I’ve been told), so I’ll definitely complete my 11 ballads in the span of next year. I’m done with 2 already, and I’m about to record my third one on mp3 player.

For those of you who don’t know, if I ever break into the mainstream market and get famous or what not, my plan is to spread God’s music from there. A big dream of mine is to have an entirely gospel album out to the masses, at half price, or even given out free in stores, so that people can listen to good music that speaks of God. I’ll use my popularity to my advantage. Well… That’s if I’m called to do that.

NEXT YEAR

What’s in store for next year? Well, a whole lot of things.

My new year resolutions in no particular order of importance:

Look less fierce.
Become stronger as a person.
Improve my voice to international standards.
Know more about the Word.
Handle worship as best I can.
Be a better team player.
Be a fantastic speaker.

Let’s see where I go with these.

If there’s anything I left out from this year in-review, I’ll edit it into the entry over time.

Cheers to a happy 2009.

Inspired

2008-12-22T16:37:00.000+08:00

I'm setting out on this songwriting project. I realise I haven't written songs in ages, and while I've written like around 30 songs, I've hardly ever made them known to people, performed them or even recorded them. So these are my short term goals for now.

I'm going to craft my image as a balladeer, and a balladeer needs ballads. I write really good heartbreakers, so I need more uplifting ballads, and I'll need to learn how to write them.

Goals in order of most to least achievable:

GOAL 1: Write 11 ballads that work before ORD.

GOAL 2: Be able to sing all of the ballads I write.

GOAL 3: Record the best ones, to act as anchoring songs, with instrumentals.

GOAL 4: Learn how to accompany myself with the piano.

POST FACES

2008-12-21T04:54:00.000+08:00

I've no idea how to start off this post at all, but maybe I'll do so by thanking God and giving God all the honour. Yesterday was a blast, and many strangers walked into the building to check out the concert (EPIC WIN), and there was one salvation!! PRAISE THE LORD! Who'd think that God could use a small concert like this to bring people to Him? Unbelievable.

It was good to see so many webs serving, and I'd just like to use this public domain to thank all the webs who were serving, waiting on people, washing the cups and cleaning the place. Please don't think nobody appreciates you all ok. =) Great job guys! So if you think no one saw you do your work, let me remind you that God was smiling and blessing the works of your hands when you were washing and running around!

I'd also like to thank my family for coming yesterday, my bro, Mum and Dad. My Dad actually "chided" me for not acknowledging the family's presence yesterday, haha, then proceeded to give me some tips on public speaking (which he's good at, and which I need). I really wanted to acknowledge my family, but I thought my Mum would be really embarrassed and paiseh and stuff, and I know her very well, that she'd really be happier if I didn't. And Mum told me that I have permission to acknowledge my family only if my Dad was around (lol), but it'll be different next time, I promise. I'll make sure I acknowledge my family, and more importantly, God.

Speaking of my family members being there, that's exactly why I was reeeeeeeally nervous yesterday. I don't even get nervous when I sing for a crowd of one thousand, so yesterday was really different. I really wanted to sing my very best to please my parents and show them how far I've come in the past 3 years... And I'm glad they liked it! I felt really bad though that I got too tired during I Believe I Can Fly. My nerves were wrecking my hands (I had to use two hands to hold my mic) and I was pushing my lungs reeeeal hard to get those notes out, but I had to give in during the key change because my body couldn't take it anymore; I had yet to recover from my flu, not to state an excuse, but just to be real to myself. I think Siang's guitar playing is really good because he managed to play around with me during the instrumental part of I'll Be Home for Christmas, despite being severely under-rehearsed due to my fever earlier this week. Talent lah bro, talent!

And of course, props to the other performers, Pris, Duane and Pleroma! Really good shows there and I'm sure everyone can say the same!! Pleroma played like siao yesterday. Was great singing for you guys! It was great fun working with Pris. Cheers to Robitussin honey lozenges! We'll try finding a place to get more of those ok? =D

I'll be looking forward to next year's events, and I'll be working with Pris very often -if not all the time- from now on. Things're really gonna change for everyone next year. From taking over as a new batch of singers in my company, to following up on worship leading, to mentoring and being mentored.... Wow I get tired, yet reeeally hyped up just thinking about it!

This week, aside from Tuesday, I'm basically on leave the entire week, and I'm really happy about it! Finally a week to relax and enjoy myself. Yay, I hope it can be extended till next Tuesday too to make up for my managers putting a rehearsal on one of my leave days.

Also, I've actually been thinking about auditioning for a record company. You know, like Sony BMG, EMI, that sort of thing. I've been toying with the idea since my artistic director told me I should try something like that out... What would my next steps be, I wonder. Hrm...

Reflections on the Voice

2008-12-15T12:38:00.000+08:00

Yes, another post of boring reflections about singing, for sake of archiving online, and for those of you who might just understand it.

As some of you might be aware, I'm still recovering from my disastrous influenza virus infection that occured unbeknownst to me on Saturday... So I'm still resting at home and I'll be taking another long nap later as my medicine kicks in. If I don't take a nap I'll fall asleep at my desk anyway, so this motivates me to keep things short.

So, back to the post. This entire year of singing has benefited me immensely... I've worked really really hard at my voice, tried as best possible to keep fit, albeit getting less fit and more sickly recently due to lack of sleep (warranting a yeesh from me)... =.=

And putting things into perspective, I realise I haven't really been singing for the longest time because I only started seriously singing and performing in sec 4. That would be only about 3 years spent really singing... Which doesn't really give me anything to be proud about with regards to experience or qualifications, but nevertheless, I'll definitely want to keep working on the voice. Let's see how my journey started, right from the beginning.

SUMMARISED TIMELINE OF JOURNEY THUS FAR:

- I first discovered I sounded somewhat nice in sec 2. I had a nice tone and developed ears from being in the band so I could keep pitch. However my range was sorely lacking and I had to replace most notes with falsetto. This discouraged me a lot.

- In sec 3, I had two other friends who are awesome singers. They sang Josh Groban's rendition of You Raise Me Up. This actually got me thinking about singing seriously for the first time in my life. I was really envious, I had to admit, because studying together with me were two other really awesome singers... So I decided to work on my voice a little more, to expand my range.

- In sec 4 I did my first two performances. Kinda embarrassing actually, but having held a microphone or the first time, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Also, band and instrumental music started appealing less and less... And I started thinking the lazy way (you have to set up to do a band performance after all =P)

- In J1 I got into ac choir after I transferred to acjc, post 1st-3-months. I then learnt about real singing for the first time, and how my technique was really screwed up. I also learnt about placement for the first time.

- In J2 I got better and my vocal gymnastics got really good.

- This year, I got into MDC and I learnt about real diaphragm support. I also did various other experiments with my voice, and my range expanded a LOT. By learning more about supporting my notes, I learnt how to belt without strain, or with considerably less strain on my voice.

Techniques I have learnt and applied in my singing, not in order of when I learnt them:

1. The workings of the inner mouth:

Basically: Playing around with the upper palate and the lower jaw, and having an open space in the back of the mouth.

What it does: Changes colour of your tone, and prevents throat from tightening to a certain extent.

2. Breath Support

Basically: Breathing and lung capacity.

What it does: It gives the volume and depth to your notes. One of the more elusive techniques in singing. Forms the basis for belting.

3. Placement

Basically: Putting your sound through your nose.

What it does: Helps one to project the notes, and thus prevents throat from tightening too much. Placing notes also helps to switch to head voice. Probably one of the easier techniques in singing.

4. Vibrato

Basically: Erm, the wavy sound in most singers. Most developed vocal chords have vibrato.

What it does: Adds colour, stability and power to the voice.

5. Vocal Gymnastics

Basically: Vocal runs.

What it does: Helps your voice to be really flexible. This is the technique people know me as a singer for. It's easy to learn but hard to master because it's like developing a muscle.

6. Falsetto

Basically: The gay voice.

What it does: You don't hear me use it in church.... But it adds a new dynamic texture to a guy's solo. You know it when you hear it. Useful for harmony singers; a nice falsetto helps high tenors get away from really high harmony lines.

7. The Growl

Basically: A growl

What it does: Helps you squeeze out your notes, and something a little more aggressive in singing. Again, not something I do in church, and it's also something that if not done correctly, can damage the voice, but when pulled off properly it can help you hit higher notes, and make you sound really cool for a few seconds.

8. The Glottal

Basically: Using throaty sounds, like slight cracks and little slaps in the throat or the back of the mouth

What it does: Helps you get out your higher notes. Again, like the growl, it is potentially damaging and requires some practice before it can be used in repertoire, but when properly used, it can help one hit higher notes. Can make the voice hoarse very easily I find.

9. Placing Notes Lower

Basically: Not a real technique. Rather, it's a manner of singing that expands your higher range. In essence, it's singing your high notes in the lowest possible fashion so your larynx doesn't move up so much, and so that you can draw breath from deeper within your lungs.

What it does: Expands your range like nothing before, and aids in belting, and most importantly, connects your voice to your support. Takes a bit of time to get into your head though. One of the best techniques I learnt this year.

10. The Nasal Sound

Basically: "Squeezing" your notes up into your nose, and sounding boyish as a result.

What it does: For guys, helps you sound more like a tenor. Not easy to describe in words, but it helps you to sing those high notes easier if you make your voice sound a little less manly. Yeah. Useful technique to know if you wish to learn how to serenade.

Techniques I know but have yet to apply, or won't be applying:

1. The Mixed Voice

Basically: Mixing your falsetto and chest voice together. A pure mixed voice sounds like falsetto to the untrained ear.

What it does: Helps you sing reeeeeeeeeeeally high.

Why I'm not applying it to my singing: For one, it's really hard to get, and it's potentially damaging because of the way your chords rub together when you do it incorrectly.

2. The Heavy Metal Scream

Basically: The screamo thing which rockers do. Yes, don't be surprised. I can actually scream in that way.

What it does: Kills your ears.

Why I'm not applying it to my singing: I don't like heavy metal, and it's still really damaging even if done with the correct method.

I can't really remember what else I learnt that I didn't apply... There's got to be a bit more to it, but I guess I can't remember for now.

At the end of the day singing needs more feel than anything else, and it doesn't matter how large your range is if you can't make the song sound good, or if your voice doesn't sound good in the first place, even if vocal range is a very important thing for a singer to have technically. In light of this, I've come up with 3 (personal) golden rules of singing every good singer must have to be good:

1. Pitch: No pitch, no song, no luck, no interested audience.

2. Diction: Poor pronunciation is an immediate turnoff to the general English educated audience. A good diction and vowel and consonant formation enables you to sing in a variety of languages.

3. Tone: Tone is a short form for tonality, meaning the quality of the voice. How I define it is, how different your singing voice is from your speaking voice. A good singer doesn't need to talk with a voice that can put people to sleep. In fact in most cases it's the other way round. In short, once again, your singing voice should sound different from your speaking voice.

General genres of music I've sung and personal notes:

1. The (sappy) ballad

My personal favourite genre. Whether sappy emotional songs, or inspiring love songs, ballads make singing for any guy worthwhile especially if your girlfriend likes to be serenaded to. =P That is, till I get a girlfriend, or get a certain someone I have in mind, whichever comes first, I won't be serenading anyone anytime soon. You can use a lot of things to spice up a (sappy) ballad, and it's applicable to many performance situations.

2. Soft rock/Rock/Pop rock/Rock ballad -Heavy Metal

Every once a while, you'd bump into a soft rock song that you'd have to sing with a band, and every once a while the electrifying feeling is a great feeling to have. Otherwise, I pretty much try to stay away from rock because it's really tiring. =P Aside from that, every good musician needs to know good rock songs, be it from Bon Jovi, U2, Queen, etc etc, simply because these songs are able to connect with people all over the world, and these songs are simply the best in the history of music.

3. Jazz

They say there's a bit of jazz in everyone. Improvisation and syncopation with your accompanying musician is fun.... If you can feel each other in the first place. Aside from that, jazz doesn't need a whole lot of range to pull off, just a whole lot of maturity to sing. Everyone likes the blues whilst enjoying a cuppa, or when you just need to pull away from the rat race and the busy roads.

Swing can be hard to pull off if your sense of rhythm isn't natural. Doing a song in swing without feeling the rhythm is just like playing off-beats in straight counting. Ok that didn't make sense, but in essence, the song wouldn't take off at all. You got to make people feel like swaying (hence the popularity of the song Sway) in some fashion if you're doing swing. That being said, I haven't really done much swing in my life, and whenever I have to do it, I don't really look forward to it. Heheh.

4. Contemporary R&B

It's very rare nowadays to hear old-skool R&B, so every now and then listening to Ray Charles helps refresh the feelings of nostalgia. Not like most of us are old enough to remember the times but well. Modern R&B is difficult to sing because it's normally infused with soul and sometimes even elements of hip hop. The moment I hear soul I freak out because to do soul, you need range. You need a whole lot of high notes to pull off your soulful R&B. I did it once or twice in Rockhampton, and that was Boyz2Men's End of the Road, and gosh, the ad libbing nearly killed me, but it also strengthened my voice a whole lot... After I gave it some rest, that is. Slightly more old-skool R&B songs I've done include Sukiyaki.

Singers I've taken techniques from (and some favourite singers of mine, to add to that):

1. Jaejoong (from dbsk)

Jaejoong is one of the most awesome asian pop tenors I've heard in my life. He is awesomely versatile, has a really massive range, and can dance. I can't dance to save myself but anyways. I've taken a LOT of pointers from this guy, including my tone and my breath support. This man's breath support is just awesome, and is clearly heard in many of his solos. His voice is also VERY open, which allows for projection and volume control, even at his highest range.

2. Brian Mcknight/R Kelly

Any music maniac will know these two for their contributions to the music world: One Last Cry and Back at One by Mcknight, and I Believe I Can Fly by Kelly. What I took from them are their vocal runs. There are many ways you can arrange runs, and while I've personally created many many arrangements of my own, I started out by imitating some of theirs. Perhaps the most infamous series of running notes ever are the ones in R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly.

3. Jason Mraz

Whilst I like some songs he's written, I'm not actually a true fan of Jason Mraz. The best thing about him are his musical lines, and I've taken some cues from this guy regarding the forming of lines. He's a very musical person, even when working with a band. Of course there are several other famous musicians known for their musicality, it's just that Jason Mraz's songs appeal to me more than others'.

One of my greatest mistakes was to let my voice take its influence from Josh Groban. It hindered my progress in vocal development a lot, and it made me think I was a baritone when I'm actually a tenor. To add to that note, most asians are tenor voices, and asians generally make better tenors than Caucasians, though more so in the pop scene. Asian voices are lighter and thus easier to develop upwards, whereas an European voice, for example, carries a lot of natural depth.

Things I'd like to learn:

1. Going beyond natural range:

My current range goes all the way down to a low D and up to a high G# via belting. I'm capable of hitting Bb on a good day, but I don't have good days that often, heheh. I aim to improve till I can belt a high A comfortably, then progress on to finding a voicing that will take me beyond Bb. It's a pretty insane ambition, but I work by comparing myself to international standards, so my current standard is pretty rubbish to me actually. I consider range to be my greatest weakness.

2. Proper speaking techniques

So I won't damage my voice by talking. So I can talk more then sing afterwards. The problem is I don't want my voice to be overly clear; there's a consequence in that, because you lose the emotion in your tone of voice. Maybe I could start by supporting my talking voice. Heheh.

3. Whistling falsetto

Because Jaejoong can do it. And a lot of other people around me. And I can't. My falsetto sounds good, but my falsetto range isn't dramatic enough.

So next year's goals are mainly to improve my range even further, and also to pick up tips on arrangement and emceeing, the latter being something I will inevitably have to do in the future.

That's what I can remember so far... I'll edit this post if I remember anything else about singing that needs to be added here.

Fever

2008-12-14T12:09:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a challenging day indeed. I woke up with a sore throat that was of mid-level seriousness, which made me panic all morning. For some reason, puffing the inhaler helped ease the phlegm in my throat, which was barely there but still not helping my situation out.

We had rehearsal for FACES yesterday from 1.30pm to 7pm, with a break in the middle to pray for the blitz that happened, and speaking of blitz, I haven't heard a single thing about it and no one mentioned anything about it after we were finished (which was super late, and which also caused us to miss the shuttle bus. The daily dilly-dally was up and running)... If anyone would be nice enough to tell me about it over msn or something I'd be appreciative. Anyway I suddenly burned up during midday and I had chills from who-knows-where. Somehow I managed to sing and belt (even surpassing my normal range) with that sore throat and fever coming on, so I guess all that work in mdc has really made me improve so much. My voice felt normal after that, but I was afraid I'd lose my voice this morning.

And voila, I nearly did. I woke up with a fever and a really painful, swollen throat. Initially I thought I'd lost my voice, but later I realised (and gave due thanks to God) that i didn't lose it because I oversang. Rather, my throat had swollen up via an active illness. Phew. So I can probably get my voice back by Wednesday.

I haven't had a fever in ages, so I've forgotten how it feels like: absolutely terrible. I shivered for no reason and my muscles ached as if I'd just come back from the gym with my brother (yes, coming back from the gym with or without my brother makes a great difference). So it turned out that I could not make it for today's rehearsals and I couldn't even bring my cousin for service (what a pity), even though she wanted to come. Meh, I feel awful.

I have no idea how I'll be able to conduct rehearsal tomorrow for I Believe I Can Fly. I'm really tempted to use the minus one I have in my old CD stash, and it isn't a good one.

I have even less of an idea how I'm going to survive the coming week. I have 3 mdc shows and a potential one on Saturday itself, which I hope never comes up. If it does, bye bye FACES.

One can only pray.

Got to pray.

Vocal Evolution

2008-12-10T14:50:00.000+08:00

Heh. VE: Vocal Evolution. Sounds like a corny band name. If a band took that, they'd better have the chops to pull it off.

What's coming up next? The slew of mdc performances, and the 20th outreach, which is really big, something I consider bigger than my rocky tour... Because it's a very personal project I guess.

Today's the last day of my official leave... Man, that was a good and fulfilling break.

I shall start filling up my repertoire of English love songs. Might need them soon.

COLD

2008-12-08T16:29:00.000+08:00

It is cold.

It is very cold.

And so this week I enjoy 3 days away from work. I sure hope the elation lasts long.

Cheers to meaningless posts.

Anyway, I went ahead and bought Chrono Trigger, and while the instruction booklet and poster sorely disappointed me, I enjoy the whole package very much. The game works like a charm and the 16 bit graphics, while really dated and such, don't offend me at all. Chrono Trigger's music and feel works like magic, and despite the deliberately untouched graphic mechanisms, the story brings out a lot of emotion and draws you in, in a good way, and yet, enables you to prevent unhealthy addiction to the game. This is one rpg I'll still be playing after a long time.

Also, December is already here and it looks set to go away fast. I don't mind, for a couple of reasons, which I shall not explain now.

It's time to rack up the spiritual discipline.

Christmas is coming!

2008-11-27T05:33:00.000+08:00

Seems like they lit up Orchard Road already. Somehow, in spite of the upcoming financial crisis, there've been many Christmas trees popping up all over the country. That's a good thing cos I like seeing Christmas trees this early. Helps one enjoy December to the fullest, despite whatever nonsense one has to commit to (ie work and stupid requirements that don't make any sense srsly).

I absolutely love the fact that my manager approved my day off tomorrow. YAAYY. I DUNNO WHY I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT IT. BUT YAYY. Friday offs are the best man. Not as if I know what to do tomorrow, but still! Yay.

Later on is a challenging show (just because I have to sing Last Christmas, ack. I don't like that song when I'm singing it), then chill time tomorrow, and worship on Sat. And hopefully RAYs orientation if we can make it for the halfway mark!!!

Alright then, I'll update later when I get to my off day tomorrow or something.

Stay Strong, Not For Your Sake, But For Theirs

2008-11-20T18:07:00.000+08:00

I'm unloading my problems to too many people.

This has got to stop.

This will stop.

No more.

Enough.

Back From Rockhampton

2008-11-18T13:04:00.000+08:00

FINALLY. The plane ride(S) yesterday were painful to sit in cos of the wait, and the end of the wait is so bittersweet: I'm done with Rockhampton. I didn't think I would, but I kinda miss the place and the environment... It's a little airtight in Singapore with regards to the pressure around me.

Nevertheless, nevertheleast (my own word)!! It's great to be back home, and I'm looking forward to getting back to church this weekend.

Post Rockhampton there are several things I have to do.. And to put things into perspective, I need me a list of tasks:

1. First and foremost, Christmas repertoire for my group. Seeing how things go, we only have a week, and I have a ton of lyrics to rap into my brain. Hopefully we'll end up doing stuff I already know about, and it's good that I have this Thursday to discuss things here and there with my new colleagues. What I'm fearing for my life over is, that with my upperstudy gone, and with the previous music IC gone as well, I'll have to take over emcee-ing for the group just cos I'm deemed (next) most suitable. Ack, I feel like throwing myself off a cliff. x.X Do not want.

2. After Christmas repertoire comes next year's repertoire. I have big dreams and visions for my group with regards to what we'll be doing, and sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna make it at all, but for now the only thing I can do is to press on and make it happen. I have to will it to happen.

3. Can't neglect anything web-related can I. Musn't forget that I have work to do with the bvs... And leading worship in and out. And whatever else that needs attention before rays next year.

4. And the remainder belongs to entertainment and leisure. I gotta catch me some big silver screen and attend some functions.

I don't think I've listed everything that needs my attention, and I thought it'd put things into perspective... It just made the atmosphere a lot more choking. Gack.

On the brighter side however, most of you have finished exams, and the A lvl people will mostly be done by this Thursday (except poor Pris). Yaaay! No more notes, no more odd downers in church where people whip out textbooks and sit at a couple of yellow benches to study them brains out. It's all letting loose from here, and for the sec 3s and J1s, better don't start worrying about next year's major exams too soon ok? =D

I'm still sleepy from the nap I just took, and I get one more day of break tomorrow before I start with planning for next year. I really do hope things turn out fine, and when I finally take over next year in April (or sooner, unofficially) things will smoothen out. I've been struggling with this really hard, and I've been praying for just that extra man, who has a lead singer's voice, the charisma, the looks and all things extra to go with it so I can just run from these things, so I don't have to be THE leading man... But till that really happens, I can't escape whatever's coming. I got to rough it out and go above what I think of myself...

Rockhampton Post!!!

2008-11-08T17:53:00.000+08:00

Posting from Rockhampton Australia using my friend's laptop. Just wielding my "friend privileges", heheh.

FINALLY, the first week is about to be over. We've been having performances everyday and schedule's really no kidding kinda crazy. I'm now waiting for my laundry to get done so I can dry it, so I decided to write a little something just for the cheap thrill of it.

My voice is slowly warping as I dig out the mixed voice thing again to play around with. Hope I can get it down pat by this week so I can do End of the Road ad libs.

Quiet time has been really difficult. I've never prayed feeling so exhausted before.

That being said, this concludes the ranting. I look forward to coming home, so very much. Not only do I get a break (and so does everyone else in the company who went for that matter), I get to see most of you without exams to worry about. That's like superbly awesome yo. While I'm still gonna be super busy during december and what not, at least I get to enjoy Christmas season without stressed out friends around me. Don't worry about your results ok??! =DD

With that, I shall take my leave and cross my fingers for my landry to be done asap!!!! Gragh i wanna sleep

To Anyone Wishing to Contact Me in the Next Two Weeks

2008-10-30T15:27:00.000+08:00

I'll be overseas from this Sunday evening, 2nd nov, to the 17th of nov. MDC is going to Rockhampton for an overseas performance project, so I'm pretty much uncontactable during this period.

Do pray that my flight will be smooth. (taking qantas. gulp.)

Some Time Alone: Mission Accomplished

2008-10-29T06:00:00.000+08:00

To clarify the blog title, I've been griping to Joseph about how I needed a whole lot of time to myself just to take a break, and yes, I've pretty much accomplished that. FIVE DAYS AWAY FROM WORK! SWEEEEET!!! I was supposed to write about this in the previous blog entry, but I never managed to get to it.

To all who raised their concerns about what happened in the previous blog entry, let's just say I can't say any much more than that... I actually wanted to delete the entire entry altogether, but erasing a blog entry can never erase whatever's going on inside. I thought, it's about time I really be open with everyone out there. Like I was telling someone, true, it might mean my credibility as a worship leader is at stake to the public eye, but it's so much better to be genuine to whoever's reading. I can't deny these things, these feelings, and whatever's going on in my life.

So, to all those who say that I'm very open in my sharing... Truth be told, I haven't been completely honest with you. I haven't been completely open to you. And I'm sure you understand, because there are just some things not everyone should know about. To think I thought some people should be more open to me... It's actually because I myself haven't been.

I'm sure many of us have past hurts that we cant easily let go off. I've shared with the seniors before, that I've been finding some answers that I need... And I'm finding them through God's word. Why? Because without a doubt, the one who has brought me to this place is still God. The one who picked me up from the dust I was in, is still God. And He only did when I was truly broken, when I was ready to return into His loving arms.

When running a race, never look to the left, or the right, and most of all, never to the back. There is only forward. There is only up ahead. I can't turn back. I can't dwell on the past now. Because God has called me somewhere now. Perhaps He's been calling me for the longest time, "Come back, come back, and use that gift in you to bless others... Come back..." But I've always thought, years ago, that I'd still be lost. No matter, because I've found Him now, and there's no turning back.

I remember, the second session in WEB I ever had, it was when I cried my heart out. I stood up during response, and I cried my heart out. I didn't even know why, or what happened, but it felt like I was finally home. Those feelings of being a lost sheep, of always being pushed out of the circle -IN A CHURCH, can you believe it?- no longer mattered. They're still here today, but they don't matter. That day, I was home. And today, God has used me and transformed me, and one of God's first and clearest promises to me, is that whatever the locusts have eaten, He will repay. (I've always talked about Joel 2:25)

So what happened on Sunday that caused my heart so much pain? It was the "truth", so called. And it really was... That I landed in cefc because of a wicked turn of events, rather than plainly going with the flow. Still, whatever the ugly truth was, I still ended up where I needed to be. I was reflecting on this the past few days. I knew I had to face the truth some day -and this was only half of what happened!- although I feared for my life, that if I knew the truth my whole life would shatter. I've only heard a bit of the truth, and my heart sank to the deepest depths.

Whatever happened though, happened for a purpose. Why is it that I can't be with my brother, serving alongside him in youth service, in the ministry, leading alongside him and doing awesome things together? It happened for a reason too, no matter how dark the truth of the reason might be. I can finally tell you everything... Because this is God's answer to me.

Years ago, when we were children, my brother was the shadow that hid me. Of the two kids, he was the one who represented my family's children... I was the one living in his shadow, but I never minded. I looked up to my brother, and I nearly idolized him even, as some of you might know it from the way I talk about him. He's just so awesome. My mentor in life, the good-looking, lean, muscular, TALL, extremely fit, wise, dilligent (more dilligent than myself, which is why I can't imagine why you guys think I'm hardworking), stable, clear-headed, he-who-knows-how-to-handle-all and all that. As you can see, I'm really biased. I didn't mind not being noticed, so long as I could know that my brother was awesome, and his shadow covered me because he is just so awesome.

Of course, you might be able to guess where this is going. Because my brother was the more prominent of us both, I didn't dare to come out of my shell. So my childhood was spent living in that shell, watching as my brother took root in youth service, while I hid myself, fearing a lot of things as I thought I was the lesser of the two.

The last day I went for youth service was the last day I played the clarinet for them. That day, I was supposed to play the clarinet for this song, with all the youths singing as a choir of some sort, but for some reason, I got pushed (physically pushed, mind you) all the way to the side, and eventually I was covered up.

I guess it didn't matter much to other people then, but to me, I thought then that being in youth service wasn't doing me much good. So I left.

A few years later, I was searching for somwhere to plant myself again. And there you have it, I'm serving with you guys today.

My brother is a prominent youth leader in his church today. I myself, am a worship leader and also a leader among the senior youth. I think if my brother was around, my growth wouldn't have been this quick. In less than two years, I've taken root in a fellowship, I've absorbed the church vision through the youths, I've seen God working, and I've surrendered anew to God's purpose for me.

Yes, the truth of the matter is, a lot of times during response, I wish my brother was standing somewhere in the sanctuary/chapel, but the fact is, if he was, I'd never have grown to stand on my own two feet.

Which means, whatever happened to my parents, which in turn means whatever happened to me, happened to help me grow and realise the potential, and the gift that had been in me all this while.

God had to take away that something in my life in order that I might become who I was meant to be. I finally understand why I need to have a part of this pain in my life. =)

It is a loss I hold on to, a pain I need to carry me through, a pain that needs to be there to remind me of who I'm meant to be in God's plan, a pain that helps me surrender to Him, a pain that helps me to grow taller than the shadow I've placed over myself.

Yes, like all painful matters, this has helped me to grow in ways I could never have imagined.

In the end, God means it for the best...

Some Time Alone

2008-10-26T09:36:00.000+08:00

You know, it feels as if each time I'm at web, I'm slowly paying off a debt that I owe God, for not adhering to His Word when I could have, so many years ago. The amazing thing is, there's nothing I can do, it's already been done, and I didn't have to embark on a trip to find significance in whatever I do. It's called the Lord's amazing grace.

I've always struggled with finding self worth, and I don't wish to keep this secret: that I've never felt like I truly belonged to church, to youth service. It's still painful to say this today. It hurts knowing that my family could be serving actively, as a whole family, in the same church, but something just had to happen, something just had to cause that chaos that took us away from what we had. Church just didn't have any meaning for me as I hit my teenage years... Because I felt something was lost. It didn't help either that my parents slowly stopped socialising with the friends they had in the church we moved to... After that fallout we had. Then my brother persisted in that church, while the rest of us... My Dad started visiting cefc and I followed along after a while. And they've been sitting in the pews ever since.

Sometimes during response I still look up at the ceiling and wonder what I'm struggling so hard to get back. I'm still asking myself why is it so utterly painful, and why is it I feel so bitter when I see other youths whose families all attend the same church. There were a lot of times in the past I just batted these feelings aside and consoled myself by saying that we're all saved. But if it's nothing much, then why does it hurt my heart so?

You know something.

I was typing out this blog post, and someone came knocking at my door a while ago. I stopped and went to attend to the door.

What happened next was a conversation that horrified me.

I've always wanted to know the truth behind my parents' church-hopping. The truth is revealing itself.

And how ironic is it that he came as I was typing this post. About this issue.

I demanded answers from that man at the door. That man had been badgering us for years, and I always dismissed him as a deranged old man.

But i was so wrong.

The truth is revealing itself. And it's really ugly.

Is that why I've never felt peace even after serving and responding to God???

Oh God, the pain in my heart now is really unbearable. I can't write anymore.

PUBLIC (WEB, rather) SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

2008-10-12T18:33:00.000+08:00

Announcement to ALL webs:

To all who received the stress packs yesterday and beyond, DO NOT EAT THE RAISINS in the stress pack! Message spread around by joegoh.

Do spread the word around once you see this! Thanks!

I'll post more once I investigate.

Another Week!!! ARGH (and PM Lee's visit)

2008-10-12T10:36:00.000+08:00

Mundanity rears its ugly head yet again!!!! Grawrl

The recording session shifted itself to tomorrow. talk about short term gratification when I heard the news, and having the bad news snap its ugly jaws at you again the next day. Argh! I feel like I have an exam tomorrow all of a sudden.

Regarding today's hype about PM's apparent visit to Greenridge... It was for some Bukit Panjang carnival thing. I woke up to loud sounds of a carnival at my place, and a very loud emcee singing to the tune of xiao wei as I walked to church. Before service, the usual group of us (Joe, Zephy, Grace (the wang), Erika, Morgan and yours truly) somehow heard news of PM Lee around Greenridge, which had another loud carnival going on. Zephy and I thought of going over to see if he really was there... But when it came to lunchtime, we all stoned at the kopitiam table waiting for Grace to come back from watching the carnival at Greenridge.

So where was the PM?

I got back from church, and my Mum told me that she shook hands with PM Lee. Turned out he was hanging around my estate's carnival, and drawing huge crowds behind him as he walked. My Mum went downstairs to check out what was causing all the ruckus, and PM Lee walked by shaking hands and so shook hers too. So according to ET's indirect touching theories, my Mum has indirectly touched the several pens used to sign policies and what not. That'd be cool if we could use that to sign another policy or something, but no, we can't do that.

Back to the week ahead. I'm going ARGH almost as much as other webs are going ARGH at their mugging days. No worries ok, cos it'll end so soon you'll be looking back at your mugging days in a while. I guess I must really like my new church family a lot -and by now it's not THAT new anymore- or I wouldn't dislike weekdays so much... I don't even know why. My army job sure ain't as gritty as many others out there, but I just love my weekends so much. Probably because my weekends keep getting sucked up by work! Just like how I have to work this Saturday off again!! Just like how some of you have to go back to school on Saturdays for lessons! And CCA! Urgh disgusting right??!

Ok enough ranting. Er, other than that, the economy's getting really harsh now, and will be worse in the future. After having studied A lvl Econs, I can empathise somewhat with how many people feel about their financial situation. Remember how Singapore's policies revolve around being pragmatic? It's something like not spoonfeeding the market so that it will get stronger. Pumping money into an economy to bring it back up when it crashes doesn't do much help because given the shocks from the sudden bankrupcies, the money keeps getting sucked somewhere else, constantly needing to feed the vacuum of bankrupcy. As such, the market requires falling into a recession to balance out the overheating (rapid inflation) when the market crashes, or a spate of bankrupcies in this case. It's an economic cycle of booming and dipping economy when human greed progresses too fast for its own good.

As Edmund Wong said today, people worldwide are in a state of hopelessness. We can't do a single thing about it. It's so evident, it's blindingly obvious: America has already pumped TRILLIONS of dollars into its economy to jumpstart it like a defribrillator... But nothing has worked because the bankrupcies and sudden crashes are far too many! The economic cycles are failing... And future recessions might get worse than this, or last even longer. I daresay this, because we're hardly careful people. When was the last recession? What, ten years ago, and lasting for 3 years or so? And merely 7 years later, a huge, far worse crash happens, being the huge, dissatisfied spenders that we are.

I know how difficult it is to rely on God now... My own family isn't doing well now either.

But what else can we fall back on? If Man can only see God through desperation, now's the time to open our eyes and lift them to the hills! There's NOTHING else Man can fall back on now, and for those of us not really aware of how bad the situation is, might I remind us that America's sufferings will eventually carry over to us. And we're so small. It doesn't take much to wipe us out completely. Your teachers can tell you all they know about how Singapore's R&D is developing and how new technologies can keep us ahead and all that... You tell me, who's interested in our new technologies now? America? China, with its messed up situation at home? Or even other countries, that rely on America and China themselves? Two of the world's biggest economies are out, and we rely on them a lot.

We have to sit out the tsunami... And we can't look within ourselves anymore.

When all is stripped away... What do you fall back on? Who do you truly turn to? I think we'll find out really soon... At the turn of the year.

* * *

I was thinking about posting a series of posts dedicated to my favourite video game characters and mascots... It'd be really interesting to let everyone else know about the games I play, or the games I played when I was younger. I'll be starting with Mario!!! My favourite mascot. I hope to write about that really soon. What I need now is sleep. Haha.

In Wide Open Wonder

2008-10-05T17:43:00.000+08:00

Before I even know it, I've already spent 5 years in cefc. 3 years wandering around completely confused and feeling abandoned and alone, as nothing but a young teenager, while slowly but surely listening to little tidbits of the Word of God, and slowly but surely understanding His glory. By March next year, it'd have been my second year immersing myself into church involvement.

You know, I don't think I'd ever find the strength to carry on in whatever I'm doing if I found that I needed to work to recover the years I wasted away. I'm still steeped in regret and pain at how I lost my way back then, but God's promises hold so true, and He certainly has shown me how He delivers through my little experience in worship.

Everytime I stand on the worship stage and look down at the youths in worship, I stand in awe. I wonder how our God does it without even needing to appear before us physically. It's something that drives me to keep pushing myself in many areas of my art, and something that drives me to keep serving... As well as having faith in God's abilities to transform the youths He uses to serve Him. =)

I stand here before You
In wide open wonder
Amazed at the glory of You
The power of heaven
Revealing Your purpose in me
As I'm reaching for You

Mondays... Mondays... Another packed week for me. Sometimes, with all the random events that pop up all of a sudden, I get nervous facing the new week. I look forward to the weekends that are safe. Another innate weakness of mine.

I don't like recording sessions man. I used to think about how cool those were... Then I actually did some. And bleargh... the perfection that needs to go into them... So pretentious. But no choice lah. That's what the world wants very badly.

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. -Matthew 7:8

Our God answers. Our God opens the doors when we seek Him with all our hearts. Finally I'm starting to know the depth of this truth, the depth of this promise. And I believe strongly also that our web bvs will be able to demonstrate something like this: seeking Him with all our hearts to find Him in a heartsong.

Forced Wit

2008-10-01T17:53:00.000+08:00

Ok, I realise it's been quite some time since I wrote something...

The problem really is, there's been nothing to write on as of late.

The usual writers' block.

This is in odd contrast to a few weeks back, when I had too much going on in my head. I think that was 3 weeks ago.

Now my mind isn't occupied, and the weekdays offer very little.

When the mind doesn't offer you anything to talk about, you do a recap.

From the last post, I was griping about uncomfortable voice parts, and I've gotten that resolved. It helps to rest the voice for one whole day, singing only light songs to keep the vocal chords exercised.

Rehearsals for rockhampton started quite a bit back, and we started by working on End of the Road by Boyz2Men. That song is really kinda hard to sing, and it doesn't help that I've got to write my own ad libs (meaning, those runs and note sustaining which come at the end of the song).

The weekend came and finally, I got back to worship leading... after nearly more than 3 months away from leading. It was a refreshing experience, and I'm still learning to lead well... Guess that will take some months to improve upon.

As we all know too well, the past weekend was the F1 night race!! And boy, way too many shocks in one night. I nearly screamed when I saw the Massa accident, and I don't even know why. Alonso got the big win this time round... And I'm in no seat to judge whatever happened this time, but man oh man... It must've sucked for people to drive a ferrari on Monday, after that loss.

The past weekend was also my first return to wg in quite a while... And boy, was I refreshed. At this point I must state that I've come to dislike falling asleep on the bus on the way to WDL CEFC... I get really really horrifically stoned after that.

Back to Sunday. Had webbers' meeting, then attended Pastor William Wong's ordination service. It was really heartwarming to see the church family supporting him in this service. I'll also have to admit that till today, I still haven't really gotten over how wacky our pastors are, and yet, they remain such awesome godly men. Pastor William's family has been in cefc for 5 years now, and when I look back, that's abouit the same time I started coming to cefc too. I thought I'd never go back to a youth service again, and here I am now, completely immersed, and finding the answers that I seek.

What else happened over the past weekend? I can't remember when it was, but I had two very unforgettable dreams. Maybe I can't remember the entire dream sequences, but I do remember the darkest bits of them that lingered in my soul after waking up.

I think it was Friday night. I remember waking up and falling asleep again in drips and drabs because I desperately wanted a reolution to the dream I had. It was a colourful world, the one I was in, and the part of the dream I could remember was where I was doing battle with unknown allies against really malicious forces. The colourful world started turning really dark and the skies were a cruel purple. Evil creatures appeared out of nowhere, and some of the darkness consumed my "allies". Things started looking really bleak, and at the climax of the chaos, one of my "allies" turned into a really hideous, purplish thing with a lot of jagged, insect-like legs. At this point, if I were describing what I saw to someone, they'd just tell me I've been playing way too many games, but that purple monster, that twisted, horribly deformed centaur, looked like nothing I've ever seen in any of the games I played. For starters, I've never been horrified by any monsters in any games I've seen, or even in any movies I've watched, I've merely been fascinated by them. When I woke up however, I notice I wasn't badly affected by any repurcussions whatsoever.

The next night, I had quite the astonishing dream as well. This time, I was mingling with some people at some odd place, and out of the blue, one of the people I must've passed without a glance -a girl, strangely familiar- told me to "go away lah! So annoying!". Or, something around those lines. I bumped into quite a few people who said the same thing. The one I remember most clearly though, was this guy, who also looked strangely familiar.

"You should just shut up! Get lost!"

Well, he said a lot of things around those lines, but that was the line I remember most clearly.

At this juncture, you all must be going something like, ew, this is ridiculously emo, that's what kids get most of the time, why is it you even bother typing this out, and all that. I tell you I have to agree man, because right after typing this out I feel exactly like that... But there was something strangely familiar about what they were saying... As if I've heard it somewhere before. Maybe I heard those many years ago, and I forgot about it along the way. Perhaps, that's what really children say, and maybe that's what I heard so often as a child (I've really forgotten), but those people in that dream weren't children, and the manner in which they said it wasn't childish.

I did leave the place in the end, and I went to explore. I somehow found myself in some very shabby looking areas, and I drew parallels with kitchen areas of several of the hotels I've been to in my recent performing days. That was the part of the dream that was really intriguing. I like exploring.

Interesting dreams.

I always remember the most twisted dreams, and most of these dreams that I remember too vividly affect me hours after I wake up. A few months back, I had a dream that was just like that. It wasn't even close to a horrific nightmare, but it affected me so badly till a lot of people thought someting really bad happened to me. Then I told them, er, I didn't sleep too well, and they went, oh c'mon! Can't be the case right?

But it was. That dream was odd. I felt as if someone invaded my brain, my very soul, took what, or who, was precious to me, and used it to damage me. I almost thought that there was SOMEONE responsible for it, and I was really angry at what had happened. Have a load of that! I was angry at A DREAM! How ridiculous could that sound? And yet, it was almost justifiable; it felt as if whatever did it wanted to hurt me real bad, and whatever did that to me knew the deepest depths of my heart, and had poked too deep to reveal someone really precious to me... So deep in, I wasn't even aware of it!

This time though, was different. I woke up wanting to eat breakfast and to go to church, and everything was normal. whatever happened in those dreams I could remember, but they didn't even linger... So I guessed that they were just random REM dreams created from my memories, with no real purpose whatsoever.

To anyone wondering if I'm in a state of epic emo, I'm fine. I'm just recalling what happened, like I said I was. Yeap... I'll be back here again soon.

It's Good to be Inflexible...

2008-09-21T16:46:00.000+08:00

...When you're a singer. I've just have had it with singing countertenor, and all those odd parts that aren't made for my voice. I know I can sightread and all that, but it's something my voice can't take; so now I'm losing my voice so frequently, it's annoying. I think I want to sing more baritone parts for now.

My voice is terribly hoarse today. I haven't been giving it rest. That, plus singing countertenor (which is a part entirely in falsetto. And yes, it's painful to the ear, and my throat.) on and on. I've really had it. You don't hear me using falsetto in church, do you? I mean, even a trained tenor I know has trouble sustaining falsetto all the time (and he doesn't even sound good, by the way)... What makes one think I can go sing it? My falsetto probably sounds nice (as practically the whole world is telling me, and I'm not really believing them) cos you don't hear me use it all the time.

And yes, it's true that my technique isn't perfect, so I'm bound to damage my throat one day anyway... and then again, no one's technique is perfect.

Gargh. If this goes on, I won't be able to sing by the time I'm out of MDC. I should just quit it. I'm terribly frustrated now.

=======================================================

Prior to yesterday's web sermon, I never thought of considering spiritual attraction in a relationship. Ok, maybe I wanted something along those lines, but I never knew it was called spiritual attraction. It's definitely something I'll look out for when I start looking.

=======================================================

And yet another week will come and go...

ColourQuiz

2008-09-05T17:39:00.000+08:00

Being the usual skeptic of such personality tests, I decided to use the one posted on ET's blog to see what it'd do. Scarily enough, some parts of the results were rather accurate.

The test goes like this: select in any order from an palette of colours. You have to do it twice. The first time you finish it, there will be a counter that decreases to 0. For more accurate results, apparently, you'd have to wait for the counter to drop to 0 to continue to round 2 of the same thing.

The first time I didn't wait for that counter to finish, and really amazingly, the second portion of the results gave me very accurate results. I repeated the test again, and this time I waited for the counter to drop to 0. Amazingly enough, this accurate portion (your stress sorces) of the first results remained the same in the second try.

In the second set of results, only the last two portions seem inaccurate to me. The rest is bordering on true, but I'd rather use the term "love life" than "sex life".

Take a look.

Your Existing Situation

Sensitive and understanding but under some strain; needs to unwind in the company of someone close to him.

Your Stress Sources

Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains his attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off his feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on his emotional relationships as he must know exactly where he stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against his own tendency to be too trusting.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left him listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Very exacting in the standards he applies to his choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in his sex life.

Your Desired Objective

Wants to prove to himself and others that nothing can affect him, that he is superior to any form of weakness. As a result, he acts with harshness or severity and adopts an autocratic and self-willed attitude.

Your Actual Problem

Works to strengthen his position and bolster his self-esteem by examining his own accomplishments (and those of others) with critical appraisal and scientific discrimination. Insists on having things clear-cut and unequivocal

4 Days

2008-09-01T05:15:00.000+08:00

The RSAF Open House is over, at last, and the next 4 days will be a trip down to bmt's home ground to perform for the recruits' evenings.

Back then I thought I'd never go back there again, but it seems I have to go back there 4 times a year now (or more), for 4 times in a row.

So that's how my week will be spent: wandering around in tekong until my performance slot.

Two days ago was WEB's inaugural service at WDL cefc. It's kinda strange and surreal -even for me, who's only been with the youths for a year and a few months- to have the idea sink into my brain... We're going to be at this chapel for a long time from here on. Ok, so I'll be out of senior youth next year, but when I come back and help out in worship and whatever else needs helping, I wonder if it'll still be strange.

That's not to say I'm not thankful for the place. I think it's awesome that God gave us a building like that for a whole bunch of youth to use. So let's all take care of it and use the place for what God intended us to use it for. My fellow younger-than-me friends, please, take care of the place. It's God's blessing culminated into a building. I think that's one of the greatest ways a God can bless His people with: providing them with a new home. Remember the promised land? =)

Always service was awesome. my heart is still joyous at the fact that 7 youths gave their lives to Christ. SEVEN. Considering how much God can change ONE life, SEVEN is really an awesome number. It's also like God's number in the Bible, as we can see from various instances where God includes the number 7 in His many blessings. I personally see it as a sign of God's blessing and approval unto the new place, and I know there'll be many more good things to come in the years ahead. And what an awesome gift from our God, to give us this sign of blessings in the form of salvations!

I managed to come by after my performance at RSAF open house. I had received word from my colleagues that our performance would be in the afternoon instead of the evening, as an entertainment filler between the morning and evening. Somehow, the day before I was thinking about it and suddenly I had the idea of serving during worship. I'm glad I did. Sure, I didn't practice at all because I thought I wouldn't be serving, and there was the risk that I would screw up big time, but the oppurtunity seemed divine to me, because of how my schedule weirdly warped itself to fit the youth service timing, and how I was yearning to serve the Lord after my hiatus since July.

So, two things could have happened. One, I could have screwed up so bad and thrown the whole band off-form from total ignorance and being completely obnoxious in my singing with no direction whatsoever, relying on the way I've performed the past 5 plus months. For a backup vocalist to do that, it means he's screwed up really bad from lack of rehearsal and musicality. Two, I could tell God that I'd be very prone at screwing up because I didn't have any idea I'd gonna be able to join the youths at all at the service, and I'd believe in Him and just sing with that direction in mind. Thankfully, I've had a very powerful lesson of surrender from worship leading at last year's destiny camp, and yes, I did screw up at very obvious places, rather expectedly, but the band was very focused on worshipping God and their instruments, and I believe the band played in the right direction. What's more, I was very ministered by what God was doing amongst the youths in the congregation. God's presence was too real to be missed, and the youths were really absorbed in worshipping God. That's exactly why I've been dying to get back to serving in worship again: to see how God moves among us and touches our hearts during worship. Isn't that amazing? God could choose to just sit back and watch us praise His name, but that isn't enough for Him. He'd rather join us, touch our hearts and love us personally than to just sit back and simply soak in everything.

I thank the Lord for Matthew Lo, who's always been there for you guys and who's taken up God's challenges to him much better than he thinks he has. Pray for him; it's been a really long journey, and only our God can use such a journey to give out immense blessings.

Now everyone, let's pause a moment and give a short word of thanks to God again for those seven salvations.

Ok.

I've been especially excited lately because the WEB worship team has gotten new BVs. I get excited whenever there are new singers on the team because singing is not something many people would do to express themselves. It's a huge gamble to take whenever you take up singing as an interest because it's a really subjective art, and it's also subject to massive critism. I'm so glad these new bv's have come on board. =)

With that, I've posted what I have in mind. Better prepare myself for the day.

A Bit More About Me

2008-08-28T15:46:00.000+08:00

Today I'd like to write a post to tell you all more about myself.

Just to clear up some things that have bugged some people in the past.

Things you might not have known about me:

1. I'm VERY shy. I emphasise VERY. That's why I'm a very good "talker" on msn, but when I'm alone with someone -ESPECIALLY if the person is a girl- whom I'm not comfortable with, I clam up and my brain gets blocked. I'm much more confident in large groups where I can find random stuff to blabber about. I used to have REALLY bad stage fright, to the point of massive hammering of the heart and sweaty palms face hair body everywhere. You can imagine.

No wait, don't.

If you hear my voice go a few tones down, or (if you're a girl) I don't look at you straight in the eyes when I talk, it means I'm not comfortable around you and I need a little more time to get to know you. I take ages to warm up to people; over the years I've learnt how to communicate and express myself in spoken words, but man those years were a challenge. I was never used to having more than 2 friends at once till secondary school.

I'm writing this in cos some people ask me why I'm so hyper on msn and so withdrawn in person. Well, there you have it, I'm probably not comfortable around you. Yet. It doesn't, by any means at all, mean you're a cold person I refuse to look at. It just means I need to know who you are more in depth, so I can start relating to you.

If you notice I'm not really talking, just make random comments, or try to be funny. My brain works that way; it'll pick up the nonsense and turn it into more nonsense.

2. I was obese till secondary 4. In the middle of Sec 4 the MOH called me up and explained to me that they needed me to go on this diet. So I went on this diet and exercise regime (my own) that made me really skinny. I used to be 93.95kg. In 6 months, I was 70kg. Not realising I was already skinny, I lost 5 more kg automatically to become 65kg. That's the lightest I've ever been. I put on some weight so now I'm 70kg on an average day. Yeah, I'm comfortable with revealing my weight, and I know I'm a lot heavier than I really look.

Just for the record, my diet was rather unhealthy. I nearly passed out after I got home once. So please, if you're on a diet, don't overdo it. I happen to be an advocate of healthy dieting for weight loss. It's not worth fainting after dieting; apparently it can cause a type of diabetes, as my (ex) nutritionist told me. Imagine, all that work for diabetes!

3. My eyesight is really really really really bad. Just so you know my degree's around 1400. It makes me "night blind" by degree cos everything's so blurred up.

4. I have a nintendo ds. I know I've said this countless times, but it's really something many people still don't know and more importantly, can't tell. I play originals only, no pirated games.

5. I wasn't from choir till jc. I played in a wind band, sans oboe and bassoon. I played clarinet and in my own time, the soprano saxophone. I started singing in sec 2.

Yeap. If there's anything else that's really bugging you, feel free to ask me a question in your own time.

========================================================

I dislike nursing homes for the aged.

It's depressing being in them.

My grandmother recently got moved from my aunt's house to a nursing home, apparently due to some family problems at her husband's side.

My Mum has been very displeased at the move, especially at the fact that my 2nd uncle's faily doesn't want to take her in.

We've been visiting her every weekend, and according to my Mum, grandmother has lost a lot of weight.

The nursing home is opposite bethseda cathedral in Bedok.

And the place is so depressing.

I wonder how anyone can survive in there for a month. It's been a month since my grandmother's been there.

Thank God, one of my cousins and my second uncle visit her everyday. My cousin brings her food from home.

It's really depressing in there.

It's the smell.

And the lack of sunlight.

And the wails.

The smell...

Despite the fact that her children can't take her in, and against sheer old age...

Oh man. You should see her eyes. She's so frail, but her eyes... Compared to the other old folk in the place, her eyes are so bright and full of strength.

That's how my grandmother has been for the past... Almost 88 years.

Strong. Lots of fight in her.

Thank God.

I will NEVER put my parents in one of those.

I can't stand the place.

There's a lack of sunlight.

And a lack of hope.

But my grandmother's eyes showed me something really powerful. There was no lack of hope. Only strength.

About Time

2008-08-24T18:10:00.000+08:00

Ok better update before I get too busy to update again.

First thing to update about, my conclusions on the mixed voice after a week of use!!

The verdict: it sucks.

Here's why.

1. Too inflexible. A pure mixed voice sounds so much like falsetto and my falsetto is very strong already.

2. Messes up my voice too much. Since there's no more passagio, my vocal cords get very confused in the execution.

3. A pure mixed voice doesn't sound as good as a pop voice. That being said, it'll take too long to develop a mixed belting voice... during which I have to perform regularly. I can't afford to take a break for four years to learn it.

As a conclusion...

I've decided to be contented with the type of voice God gave me, and to develop my technique based on what Ive been given for my time on earth. When I finally dumped working on the mixed voice - by then my voice felt so abused, confused (difficult to control) and unnatural - and rested my voice for a few days to get back to my original technique, I found that somehow my original technique just felt right...

The reason why I started work on the mixed voice was because I couldnt understand how some singers could hit such high notes with such a low speaking voice. I couldn't wrap my head around it and I felt discontented with the range I had... So I started researching on expanding range.

Abandoning what I have twisted my voice into something my body couldn't use somehow... For a whole week my voice was cracking at notes I'm usually comfortable with. And I found out why too: lip trills/lip bubbles help more with breath control than with anything else... As advised from a colleague trained in classical technique.

Embracing God's gift is still the best thing I can do to grow in singing. After all, God is the audience I'm most concerned about on stage. An audience of ONE. I'm gonna sing my best for God, on the stage that belongs to Him, using the voice that He let me enjoy using while on this earth.

The second thing I have to update about is, today is CEFC 30th anniversary day!! I had the privilege of ushering, and it was a seemingly unimportant ushering duty of guiding parents to the sunbeam room, but I managed to absorb something I've always desired.

I've told Mark before that if I ever wanted to have grown in one area as a person, I wanted his smile. And I believe I learnt how to smile a deeper smile as an usher today.

Gurmit Singh's speech, to me, had a lot of sincerity in it. I believe many were touched and many felt a true testimony, the honest words of someone who had been touched by this personal, loving God.

God would do ANYTHING for you. Even give His one and only son. How many would give their son to someone else to save that person's life? God gave His son to save the entire world, however evil anyone in that world was going to be.

The mark of love is giving, and Jesus demonstrated the ultimate mark of love by giving His life!

I heard Pris was awesome! Didn't get to hear much of her though cos I was out ushering. =( If anyone has access to a recording can tell me pls kthx!!! =DD

One last thing to update about... Will get to that another time. Now's almost time to sleezzZZ

Cos weather very cold so nice to sleep so sleep earlier wont die kthxbye

Singing: New Techniques + Working on Basics

2008-08-11T07:56:00.000+08:00

I've recently learned the effect that lip trills have on the voice, as shown to me by a friend in MDC.

What're lip trills? Well... It's really hard to articulate in words, but basically it's making vibrations with your lips pressed together, and singing through it. Look it up youtube, but I'm sure any singers reading this will already know what they are.

Benefits of lip trills I've personally discovered:

1. First thing in the morning when your voice feels so dumb you probably don't feel like talking, lip trills can help you wake your voice up without causing too much damage in scaling.

2. They help reduce the break between falsetto and regular voice for guys. I'm not sure for girls.

3. The greatest benefit has to be the latest voice I've learnt: mixed voice.

The mixed voice is a part of speech level singing, and I'm sure some of us have heard of Brett Manning and Seth Riggs , who are famous for teaching this speech level technique. SImply put, speech level singing is singing without the use of the diaphragm. The mixed voice is the voice many singers use to produce all their high notes effortlessly by mixing falsetto and regular voicing together.

By working on lip trills and minimising the break between falsetto and regular voicing, you can activate a mixed voice. This is done by singing right AT THE BREAK between falsetto and regular voicing, when the vocal cords kind of "slide over" instead of opening up in regular voicing fashion.

Benefits of mixed voice and speech level techniques I've personally found:

1. The most obvious benefit of this voice, otherwise known as blending as my friend told me, is the ridiculous range a person can get. I can easily sing really high notes (and I mean, really high) with this voice.

2. Absolutely no strain as you let your voice slide up the vocal register. Helps conserve the voice.

3. You can control your voice to have or not have a break. Helps trmendously in stylistics.

4. Stronger than falsetto and more convincing than head voice in belting out the highest end of your vocal register.

Problems I've had and will have:

1. Very difficult to activate. Only a slight tension in the throat is needed to make you lose it.

2. Being a completely different set of techniques altogether, you can't use too much lung power to sing your notes. Which means once you learn this technique, you can't sing in any other technique; there's no turning back.

3. Incredibly difficult for a novice to apply, and incredibly difficult to apply to singing an actual song. All my high notes were successfully activated with an AH-type vowel, and ONLY with Ah-type vowels.

4. The mixed voice, being unsupported by the diaphragm, is ridiculously weak. Because it's a completely different technique, there are other sets of exercises to strengthen this voice.

5. The mixed voice is also incredibly hard to project with placement. Again, there's a different set of exercises to go with this.

6. I think you can see a pattern here. It's hard to do whatever you've been doing with the mixed voice. You need exercises for everything you do, and regular stylistics such as vocal gymnastics (which happen to be my favourite technique as many people will know) and glottals can't be used with this voice... I guess only for now.

Similarities between this voice and regular technique:

1. Must stay relaxed. Stretching the neck helps.

2. Lip trills are useful for regular technique to wake up the voice.

3. Controlling the break between falsetto and regular voicing is VERY important. It shows how proficient you are in controlling your voice.

I shall continue to explore the mixed voice and the exercises that follow with it. The benefits still outweigh the cons because in the long run, the flexibility of this voice is something many singers can use.

Meanwhile, my friend gave me a singing tip for supporting my notes. It's actually a tip I already know, but I really need a constant reminder, and something I can really work on to improve myself. Developing breath support is important for higher notes, and the mental picture is like drawing breath from the bottom of your lungs. Having more stable tenor notes is easier achieved by singing your high notes lower in the chest. This is best demonstrated in person. Singing all your notes too high leaves one with no room for going any higher, and drawing deep from your breath and singing lower helps build the base for the higher register. This is NOT speech level technique or mixed voice... thus far it applies to regular voicings.

Next, my friend also showed me techniques to develop a vibrato. He did say it's something I don't need to know, since I already have one, but it would be good for me to know the exercises just so I can teach. Vibrato is manually developed by moving quickly between two notes till it becomes sort of like an instrumental or classical trill.

Assuming you guys know what vibrato sounds like, here are benefits of vibrato that I've personally discovered:

1. Sounds really good. One of my favourite singing styles is using a very thick head voice and a very tremulous vibrato. Tends to give chills to people I choose to serenade.

2. Helps keep the voice really open when belting and stuff.

3. Develops vocal flexibility to do running notes.

An overused vibrato however, can be really irritating to the ear. One must find a balance to it. Also, I think that a manually developed vibrato isn't very healthy to the voice, and it needs breath support to maintain a relaxed throat.

With that, I'm done with today's post on vocals. It's a good refresher for me, and the mixed voice is really something new for a diaphragm singer like me. I hope to come up with new material on this mysterious mixed voice and speech level techniques so that you guys don't need to take expensive vocal lessons just to learn certain techniques. Singing is for everyone!

Kudos to my friend from MDC for not withholding these valuable tips from me! =) Thank you very much for your insights, very much appreciated.

Tagged + Happy Birthday Singapore!

2008-08-09T07:39:00.002+08:00

I've got 40 minutes before lunch, so I can sneak in a little something I suppose.

Happy National Day everyone! I hope you guys enjoy your wg thingies.

Much as I don't often do these things, such tags actually ensure my blog doesn't stink of redundancy. So, yeap, on with the tag.

Tagged by an ET!!!

TEN THINGS ABOUT ME

1. Are you single? – Yeap

2. Are you happy about that? – I'm not really jumping up and down in excitement at the idea, nor am I sitting on a rooftop and brooding over it.

3. Are you bored? - Well, I have quite a few DS games to play if I wasnt doing this, so I don't think so. (yes, I have a DS. Little-known fact about me eh.)

4. Are you sad? - Boohoo.... no.

5. Are you Italian? – Are you racist?

6. Are you plastic? – My glasses are kinda plastic.

8. Are you cool? – As a cucumber baby.

9. Are you chinese? – Yeah.

10.What are you? – Dolphin man!!!

TEN FACTS

1. Initials – JHSY

2. Nicknames – Dolphin man!!!

3. Birth place - A hospital

4. Hair color – Black

5. Age - Nefarious nineteen!!! MUFUAHAHA (for lack of better words.)

6. Eye color – Brown

7. Birthday – 5th August

8. Mood – hur

9. Favorite color – darker shades of turqoise

10. Left or right handed - right handed

TEN THIS OR THAT?

1. Love or money ? – For a second I thought that said love for money.

2. Hard liquor or beer? - Hard liqour, because it came first. (as in, hard liquor, then beer)

3. Cats or dogs? – Cats. They're more intelligent. So intelligent, they exploit you.

4. A few best friends or many regular friends? – Few best friends and many regular friends.

5. Television or Internet? – Internet television. Which means Internet lah.

6. Pepsi or coke? – Pepsi is a cooler brand. Otherwise, meh.

7. Wild night out or romantic night - Romantic night out.

8. Money or Happiness? – Happiness with my money.

9. Night or day? – Day. The night isn't very friendly to the night blind fellow like me.

10.IM or phone? – IM, because you can talk to many people at the same time while watching Internet television

TEN PREFERENCES IN A RELATIONSHIP

1. Smile or eyes – Eyes. Eyes tell a lot about a person.

2. Light or dark hair – Dark

3. hugs or kisses – Anything

4. Intelligence or attraction? - Yeah, this is a vague question. I think they mean intelligence or PHYSICAL attraction. Definitely you need both to sustain a relationship, but nothing turns me off more than a pretty knock-the-breath-out-of-you-just-by-looking-at-her-Goddess-like-face-and-features girl who can't talk to save herself. I like a girl who can make me laugh and who can sustain a conversation with me, be it IM or face-to-face. If I'm basically not saying anything to you on a long bus ride home, or any other commute, then I'm probably not very attracted to you.

5. Hook-up or relationship - Relationship. About time lah. I'm getting old.

6. Trust or love? – What kind of ding-dong question is this??

7. Long distance or close? – Close is always better. You need the closeness before anything long distance can happen.

8. Call or text? – either is fine. They both show that one is thinking of the other.

9. Older or younger? – Younger, but I don't mind older if she looks younger than me and I have lots of fun with her.

10.Looks or Personality – Actually, it's the looks that make you attracted to the person first, but when you're considering a relationship, the personality has to be the deciding factor, because most of your time spent together is gonna be spent talking and hanging out. SHOULD be spent talking and hanging out.

TEN LAST

1. Last phone call you made – A colleague.

2. Last phone call you received – A colleague.

3. Last person/people you hung out with? - family at breakfast table

4. Last person to text you – A colleague. One more day in the very interesting life of Jerrold.

5. Last person you tickled? –

6. Last person you IM? – One of my best friends.

7. Last person you hugged? – Can't remember

8. Last person you slept with? - Me. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ho. Ho. Ho. Hee. Hee. Hee.

9. Last person you laughed with? - Family

10. Last dream you can remember? – Some pretty morbid REM ones.

TAG TEN PEOPLE

- TEN PEOPLE.

The Most Remarkable Birthday Gift

2008-08-06T14:37:00.000+08:00

"Happy birthday to me. If I had candles to blow out, I'd wish for my voice back tomorrow morning."

Remember the above line from my previous post yesterday?

Guess what?

This morning I woke up, my sore throat was gone.

My voice is perfectly fine.

My body (except my tendonitis, which is still bugging my right leg) has healed itself completely of illness overnight. No more bodyaches left over.

My voice is so healthy, it can do all the runs and belt the notes that I usually can. My falsetto is there in full force as well.

My sinuses are cleared.

This has NEVER happened to me in my entire life. Never before have I woken up completely, immediately healed from a sore throat of this degree. It's like I had a bad flu the previous day and I woke up perfectly healthy.

To make things even more amazing, I didn't even need to warm up my voice to hit my relatively high range. When I tried "starting up" my voice, it not only obeyed, it sounded fantastic (as compared to yesterday, when I had to do a show with my voice in shambles).

Wow.

This should have taken at least a week.

To think that the best birthday surprise would be so divine, so unexpected... I didn't even think I would be healed and I'm sure I didn't have so much faith when I prayed for healing. I was doubtful I would be healed even.

To think that my God would give me the biggest birthday surprise. What more could a child ask for from his heavenly Father for his birthday?

Lonely 19th

2008-08-05T15:24:00.000+08:00

As the post title might suggest, it's my 19th birthday today. Lonely 19th is a song I got inspired to write based on today's experience... Quite a quiet birthday indeed. Nothing happened (other than this afternoon's school show at Regent Sec). I had a good couple hours of sleep, but woke up with a cough instead of a refreshed mind and body.

What makes any birthday for me is just the wishes, so here're the thank-you notes to everyone who's wished me a happy birthday today: My family members, Dad, Mum, Big Bro, various friends Denis, Erika, David Chiam, Clarissa, Kerryn, Carolyn, Evon, Eunice Tan (web), Daphne, Michelle Hui, Karno, Wanling and Kathy. Thanks everyone for remembering and for going ahead to leave those msgs, because anything brings a smile to a sick guy's face. =)

Special thank-you's to the senior webs I hung out with yesterday in celebration of Syahir's birthday (happy day-old birthday dude!!). They surprised me just as we were about to leave the supper venue with some reeeeeeeally odd and random presents. Like, No Frills tissue, tri-coloured capsicums and a coconut. Thanks to Seow, Daniel, Jiayi, Grace Wang, whom all got the interesting oddities for me, and to Gid, Zephy, Joegoh, Yiren, Clarice, Ian Tan, Joash, Denis and Syahir for shocking me after supper. I'm still recovering from your ambush, lol. Did I miss out anyone?

The yellow, red and green capsicums are a timely reminder of waiting upon the Lord's answers when praying and seeking Him (just like a traffic light). I can't take a pic of those anymore cos my Mum already chopped them up and ate some. Haha. The coconut water was refreshing and made my throat feel much better. The tissue though, will have to wait to be used. Thanks much everyone, for the surprise. =)

Thank you everyone for the little things you did that spiced up my day. I've written you on the thank-you list in no order of merit other than the order in which you popped into my brain when I was typing. =p

Happy birthday to me. If I had candles to blow out, I'd wish for my voice back tomorrow morning.

Mark and Sue are in Today's Papers!!!

2008-08-03T13:04:00.000+08:00

Yes, a public service announcement for those of you who don't even glance at newspapers. Mark and Sue have been featured in today's Lifestyle section, in an article about scrapbooks! I must say they really do have really good awesome secret skillz to be able to make scrapbooks like that. It's something you can't do on facebook. Do check it out: TheSundayTimes, August 3, 2008, Lifestyle, page 4, "Scrappy Do".

(as you might notice, I've forgotten how to quote a source properly. It's been a good year since I've taken PW. That's what makes me a bad writer.)

Re-reading

2008-07-29T07:35:00.000+08:00

I spent the better part of the past two weeks thinking and praying about upcoming matters. In the meantime, I also read through nearly all of my older blog posts, and if there ever was a trend in these, it's that I suffer from serious spates of verbal diarrhoea everytime I blog. My posts are seriously word-heavy. Maybe I should brighten things up with silly pictures once in a while.

So here you have it, a once-in-a-while.

==========================================================

Praise be to God, that He's been opening my eyes and ears to the answers I need. A large part of me thinks that these answers are incomplete (I am, after all, quite the perfectionist), but the bottom line is that He's going wherever I'm going.

The fear of the Lord is lovingly obeying His commands. I've decided, that although I don't have all the answers I need now (how then, would life be the greatest conundrum of all, when all the answers are accessible), God will show me in time to come. He will provide everything I need when He calls me to a task (2 Peter 1:3).

I'm about to go freefalling for Jesus.

===========================================================

And so begins my looooong working period. Just yesterday my colleague and I were counting the days on our schedule. As our fingers moved along the days our eyes got bigger, because apparently, my math had earlier failed me. It's actually a 20 day work week, not a 14 day one.

So what do I lose form a 20 day work week? Mainly, I get veeeeeeery bored, since there aren't any weekends for me to break away from long waiting times, and I don't get to see anyone else for more than 2 weeks. The upside is, though, that by the time this is over, I'd be reeeeeeeeeeeaally happy for no solid reason, my life becomes extremely slack and boring (again), I'd have gotten my month's paycheque, and I'll be 19.

I know... That didn't make much sense.

Only Human

2008-07-21T15:59:00.000+08:00

As I feared, this blog is fast becoming a fortnightly endeavour instead of a weekly one. Not that I mind, since I hardly post anything worth reading anymore, other than letting the Internet and my network know once in a while that I remain connected.

Before I proceed, allow me to make a short public service announcement.

WATCH THE DARK KNIGHT NOW IF U HAVEN'T

Thank you.

Now on with the entry.

WATCH THE DARK KNIGHT. It's probably THE ONLY superhero movie thus far that can contest with Spiderman 2 for the top spot in the genre, and in my opinion, with the amount of thought that the plot can make you pleasurably entangled in when you leave the cinema -ok, I admit there's a reeeeeally poor choice of wording here, but it's really what my mind is helping me churn out now- The Dark Knight wins hands down. So what if Bruce Wayne is a billionaire and all that? That movie just made you think that a one-man army could wipe out an entire swat team just by clever thought processes and technology... That, plus the immense amount of moral predicaments Batman had to handle made Spiderman's own moral choices centred around his messy personal life pale in comparison.

At least, you'd think that way if your nose was less than 10 metres from the screen and it consequently sucked you in.

As everyone would expect, the Joker was horrifically re-imagined and so artistically refined by Heath Ledger... Right down to the quirks of the Joker. Christopher Nolan and Heath Ledger basically took the character of the Joker, wrapped it up into a ball and threw THAT into a vat of chemicals, resulting in THIS Joker. Fantastic.

Christian Bale also deserves the same amount of applause for portraying Batman and Bruce Wayne like how they should be... Two separate characters connected by a faint line. Rub the line a little and you have either of them. Batman is amazingly cool in this movie. AND. I wish I could spoil this, but I won't: Batman's suit has a new aesthetic feature that really, really, really satisfied the Batfan in me. Hint: it's on the cowl. I could've teared tears of joy seeing that finally appear in the movie.

If that didnt already give you enough hints and poking in the ribs, PLEASE. GO WATCH IT. YOUR BRAIN NEEDS THE MENTAL STIMULATION THIS MOVIE PROVIDES. Entertainment has never been this thought provoking and engaging.

Now onto daily life. Yes, like the average superhero, an average person has a daily life to contend with too.

My 14 day work week is finally starting next week.. Starting from Monday and ending on the Sunday after the Sunday directly after that Monday. Deliberately phrased in this manner to make you think its really long.

The past week has also been tiring particularly because of tackling certain long-term decisions and coming responsibilities... I'm still waiting on God for certain answers, but I thank God for the answers that He's already provided. The Lord is faithful, and His grace indeed, IS sufficient, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever. His grace is presently continuous and will be sufficient for me. For anyone reading this entry, you could pray for clarity and wisdom so I can take in the Lord's words and discern which words are from the Lord. I thank the Lord for confirming many things through the scriptures, and I'm also praying for more of such.

Sigh having to work on my birthday, while other NSFs in my company get a birthday off, sure is kinda depressing. On the upside, it'll help me remember that my birthday actually exists, since I have a show on that day. Then there's a little memory hook there for me (you're working on your birthday!!! Nyeheheheheheh! No off day for you!! <--something like this).

Anyways, if I ever have a dislike for anything, it has to be over the NDP outfit. Eeyuck.

A Short Rest (and some answers)

2008-07-07T12:57:00.000+08:00

I'm home today. The past four late nights have made me sick enough to warrant a day's MC. A much needed MC since I've been sick the past 2 weeks. If you couldn't tell at all, I'll tell you I couldn't either. Being occupied is the best way to feel healthy... That is, until you feel as if you're perpetually sleeping and your words are slurred for the greater half of the day.

Apparently my title of Sniffles is rather apt. According to the doctor I've had a history of sinusitis and my nasal passageways do tend to get congested very badly. Some sensitivity thing. I always thought it was the throat, because I woke up with a painful throat and all that, but actually it was due to sheer dryness.

Yesterday, finally, it was my juniors' last performance at the 20th Anniversary AEWF. I personally enjoyed it very much. The solos were awesome (reduced Aletheia to a puddle of liquid mush) and they left my jaw hanging. That shouldn't have been the case because I've personally heard their voices before... Just that yesterday was a really magical experience. Everyone gave from their hearts and they strived to show us the meaning of each song. I'm very proud of my juniors, who, being seniors themselves, raised juniors of competent caliber. Well done! By the third song in the college choir segment I stopped picking out the flaws and got carried away riding on the emotions of the choristers. The water song was excellent... It flowed so well I could barely notice the changes in phrasing, just like water itself... And to critics out there, you should've heard them because if you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not.

I feel so proud, of these teachers, of these juniors, of this choir's history, and most of all, the God behind the choir. He's blessed me so much, because along the way in the choir, I gained a new church family; He reconciled me to Himself. After all those years of not knowing who He really was, finally I had a glimpse.

In answer to yesterday's most-asked question directed to me, which was why I wasn't performing with the alumni choir (asked probably by every person I bumped into during the interval), its firstly because of my intention to focus on serving in web worship both as worship leader and singer, and secondly because I found my Saturdays taken up by NDP rehearsals. Largely, it is the former factor that prevents me from going back... I thought I should serve God and grow in my ministry and take a break from choir for at least a year (rehearsals for alumni are mostly on Saturdays). This would help me grow as a person before I go back and mentor the juniors as an alumnus. Also, it's to enjoy serving God in my final months as a "youth". Rest from one and focus on another.

After probably one more year of serving in WEB worship, I think I'd have grown enough to "graduate" to the adult ministry as a singer too. I'm hoping God leads me along that way.

Moving on, NDP rehearsals have reached a certain momentum. By now, despite being only the third round, I've pretty much gotten used to waiting, moving to the platform, talking nonsense at the platform for a good 20 minutes or so, and then waiting again for the chance to move off. As we've familiarised ourselves with the flow of events, we get to leave much earlier now, as well as report much later. Praise the Lord; There's a space of time in which I can rush to church and join the webs in the last few moments of service.

Which brings to mind, a lot of people have also been asking me what I'll be doing on NDP itself. I'll be on stage doing a mime for an acappella item, namely We Are Singapore, with Jacintha Abisheganaden and my colleagues in my acappella group from MDC. We've already recorded the parts... So all we really do is make it look like we're singing passionately. And for about 10 minutes we have little oppurtunities for our faces to be seen on the big screen... Maybe for flashes of a few seconds here and there.

With that, I shall continue to appreciate my rest at home. I hope everyone's enjoying their Youth Day too.

Direction

2008-06-22T11:46:00.000+08:00

Today I went for and sat through the entire 12pm service for the first time... With the Woodlands gang as we know it. And Pris and Erika.

Two defining things in the service: Firstly was the photograph of the new church building. In short my jaw dropped. It was an awesome building, and taken from that angle, it really stopped me from breathing for a while.

It was totally absolutely huge in comparison to the current building! In the past three years, as we floated along in this faith journey -some of us even just going about our lives with this project taking a backseat most of the time- we started from nothing and out came this marvel of architectural work. If God didn't provide, I'm really not sure who did.

Senior pastor NEVER had a sleepless night, and I tell you why his foresight and faith was AMAZING: it was the pictures. It was the product on its way to completion.

How thankful are we for this building? How willing are we to continue this faith journey beyond this building? By August we're moving in to claim the land that God has promised us, and we NEED to trust God to provide further and to direct us, through His Word and through His speaking, in meditation, in prayer. The fact that this building popped up and REALLY did pop up is living -ok, maybe it's not really living- proof, solid evidence that God's direction is needed. What can God's product do without His leading?

The facilities kept my jaw dropped. We have been blessed beyond our imagination. Sure, it's not a Singapore Expo or whatever, but with a building with facilities like that in a humble portion of Woodlands? People WILL come to know the Lord! My greatest wish now is that we don't get blinded by our blessings... It's easy to miss God's purpose, firstly by putting man-made facilities before Him, and secondly by comparing the facilities to others.

The second defining moment of that first 12pm service was the news that Elder Barney had resigned from his job of being the MD of Microsoft to be a director in the church board. That's something. That's REALLY really something amazing. I've heard of people quitting their jobs to follow a calling, but this. If I'm not wrong MD stands for Managing Director. I'm amazed! I don't think I'd let go of such an occupation. It's like throwing away prestige to be able to lead a journey that God has put in place in the hearts of pastoral leaders of the church.

And here I am wondering if I want my responsibilities. Leadership is a responsibility... If I'm a responsible person I should accept what God has placed in my life and surrender my strengths and weaknesses to Him... He will do what I can't accomplish after all.

I don't have to have the most charisma, be the least irritating, have the most marvelous voice, be the best mentor, be the most handsomest around. What a strange concept is it not?

NDP Rehearsals

2008-06-16T16:05:00.000+08:00

Are finally here. It's confirmed that we're having one this Friday and every Saturday from now on. Finally man.

I'm personally not going to complain about my Saturdays sapped dry anymore (1pm to 10pm) because my day to day life is everyman's army dream... Enjoying the air conditioner and having time to yourself to do pretty much quite a lot of things, limited only by your own imagination. I brought my sketchbook to work.

I'd of course want rehearsals to be on weekdays... just that they need to accomodate the school-goers. I'm past the stage of complaining about not being able to go for WG and worship what not... If it's God's plan, then I trust Him wholeheartedly. Besides, like a good friend said, it's a good break from the ministry.

Better get used to having only one day in church a week though.

And so we had our inaugural senior youth forum yesterday. It was a nice time of discussion, fruitful because many important things were highlighted... And it was a nice time of fellowship too. I have faith that in the subsequent forums there'll be the God-given answers we need. I'll also try not to forget our senior pastor's definition of faith: OBEY. From the start of Woodlands CEFC till now, I never considered how bad the idea was by (Singaporean) human standards. It's a God idea - look at the miraculous funding and remember our journey with the pie chart! Senior pastor had emphasised that he never had a single sleepless night over funding, and we never drew on a bank loan- and it's way beyond us to think by ourselves how to handle it. We didn't hear a single sermon on giving money=receiving blessings (something my mother keeps talking about) and the money just came anyway. Definitely not purely through our own pockets... Judging by the colossal size of the costs, funding just had to come from elsewhere, and God provided. It's not that not doubting equates to a more Godly aura around you or whatever; maybe it's just no longer in my nature to doubt, and some have even said I trust people too much. The latter is true, since I'm very open in my sharing with others, but I think it's never a bad idea to trust in a God-inspired idea.

My entire stay in WEB was lived out as a senior member. Back then seniors to me was somewhat like an age group rather than a group meant to be nurtured for leadership... I wouldn't want to believe it, but what as said yesterday is true. People are moving on, and we wouldn't want a bunch of "foreign talent" running our ministry. And it doesn't apply so much to me, to be brutally honest, because I'm not exactly a WEB. I'm just a guy who ended up there after straying from God for a while. It feels like WEB has been my family forever, but to face raw facts, that's not true... I haven't been a part of it as long as many others there. The thing is, that God had been tugging me towards worship ministry for so long, and when I tried finding a place, He actually entrusted me with a role in WEB's worship ministry and even led me to take on the role of a worship leader MYSELF without anyone physically asking me to. The fact that I was actually given the role so soon was evidence in itself that God had nudged me very clearly about serving in worship in this WEB ministry, and who knows, even beyond that. I look back and I find this journey of faith so awesome. I had to surrender my entire situation to God, and I ran entirely on faith, not knowing the outcomes.

I wonder if it's unhealthy to be unaware of your impact on others. I'm not fully sure how I've influenced people around me in WEB, for example... I just pray that God has been the one using me, entirely.

Everything's Temporary

2008-06-04T17:58:00.000+08:00

I just shuddered at the thought that my voice is going to wear down someday.

And that day might come sooner than expected.

I think I did rant about this many times before but.

After feeling it again and thinking.

Man.

I think it'll really be gone after a while.

Nothing ever lasts does it.

Not on this earth, no it doesn't.

Happiness doesn't last, sadness doesn't last, smooth-sailing times don't remain smooth, bumpy rides even out.

I talk to people and they tell me their dreams won't last here.

Dreams don't last?

Ooo, ouch.

Spiritual Stamina

2008-06-02T15:36:00.000+08:00

Somehow the way things are, life seems like the ultimate paradox. It seems like I'm doing the easiest job in the SAF -ok I'll have to say, I really somewhat have the easiest job, in the company of lowest priority- but somehow it can get hard to keep up the spiritual fuel tank.

I guess avoiding a spiritual low is kind of like avoiding a spiritual high... I find that spiritual warfare comes when the walk with God has random high spurts of energy at quite random points. Not that a refreshing weekend with God at church isn't a good thing, it's just that with spiritual highs at certain points of time it just means that the running isn't constant. It becomes an endurance run conducted with shuttle-run-esque bursts of speed; seemingly effective in the short run (no pun intended), but leaves you panting at long intervals.

So if we need to avoid spiritual highs, a concept of relativity in comparison to the rest of the walk, we need a constant spiritual nourishment of the Word, so that the high is no longer evident because there is no obvious up in the graph of progress.

Psalm 63 shows King David's passion and thirst for God:

¹O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
²Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
³Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips will praise You.
⁴So I will bless You as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
⁵My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.
⁶When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches,
⁷For You have been my help,
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.
⁸My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.
⁹But those who seek my life to destroy it,
Will go into the depths of the earth.
¹⁰They will be delivered over to the power of the sword;
They will be a prey for foxes.
¹¹But the king will rejoice in God;
Everyone who swears by Him will glory,
For the mouths of those who speak lies will be stopped.

I'm very certain those of us who've been going to church regularly have felt the same way as King David did at some point or another. God has personally met me numerous times, and I have declared honestly in my heart to Him many times He is Lord. In a moment where the time spent with God is so intense and the joy experienced is so warming and comforting, we definitely can say with all our hearts and mean it that God is glorious and that His loving kindness is better than life itself. But how often do we actually have this spiritual connection with God? I've struggled and perservered to have a walk with God in which everyday I can keep declaring Psalm 63:3 over and over again, to the point where my soul is satisfied in my entire lifetime, and even when I sleep I remember the Lord's love every night!

I found two little tips in Our Daily Bread that could give us a little head start in a constant walk with God:

-Live honestly: Open your heart to the Lord in all honesty. Be truthful to the Lord and do not hide your heart's feelings, for the Lord sees your heart. Admit your failures, your shortcomings and tell the Lord the pain of your losses. We all remember 1 John 1:9, in which it says God is faithful to purify our hearts from unrighteousness; this helps us to come back to God. James 4:8a further emphasises on honesty to God: "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

-Ponder upon and believe in the scirptues about the Lord's character: The entire Christian religion exists and works only because of faith. Read passages of His goodness and take time to see how He has shown these characteristics to you in various points of your life. Remembering the Lord's faithfulness and thus being encouraged by His faithfulness is a good way to refresh oneself on this long journey. For starters, read Psalm 63 and remember how God has been so faithful, how He longs after your heart (to the point of dying for you, mind you), how His loving kindness is truly better than life.

A constant walk with God, above all, requires the Lord's strength. Each day I admit my failures; for who can can claim a walk with God without God Himself in it? (Ephesians 3:16--> ¹⁶that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man)

Even praying little prayers every night helps. When you don't feel like praying, perhaps even after a day of intense spiritual warfare, just go ahead and pray. Remember the parable of the two sons? (Matthew 21:28-32) Which son honoured the Lord, the one who said he would not work in the field when his father asked, or the one who said he would, but ended up not doing anything? The latter is strikingly similar to having a one-time spiritual high and then drawing away from God when the feeling dies out.

It's a day by day process. Long runs need great endurance andd intelligent running technique that paces itself out along the way. I strive to run the long run and to grow to the extent that I do not stop to pant for such a long interval.

Freedom is the Best Thing You Can Have

2008-05-21T14:32:00.000+08:00

...In the army.

After thinking back on how bmt was like, I'm really starting to treasure my days in the MDC. In all the vocations I could have ended up in, I wouldn't have been able to do anything that would develop my skills properly.

I haven't posted in ages too. I'm starting to dread this commitment of blogging because somehow, there's an invisible pressure to write interesting things all the time, and I don't always, or in fact, RARELY do that. I just type whatever's on my mind. It COULD be healthy because I'm churning everything out from my thoughts, and it COULD be adverse if my thoughts just don't seem to get anywhere.

As you can see, I refuse to break that habit.

Anyway I've been thoroughly impressed by this year's new batch of DEP students in their exam piece, Theasthai. Syahir's comedy piece was very good as well, for those of you who couldn't make it. For a guy who hasn't had any chance to appreciate theatre before, these monologues had quality, depth and exuded plenty of effort, skill and style. It could have been the scripts of course, but it's definitely not an easy task to take on those pieces. I thought some of them were especially smart, and that the one on Transit was daring and it pulled off (daring because the actress used a Malay accent with it, but it pulled off very well, I must say). I was also very impressed by Nathan Hartono. That boy has talent; he acts very well, for a script that doesn't say much. Not overdone and every bit of his drunkard office drone character had excellent timing and deep feelings, all drawn out from the "effects" of alcoholic beverage. I liked it a lot.

I've got several performances this week... kinda like 5 shows in 3 days. It's not a lot and yet it's quite draining. Possibly because I've been running early every morning and my physical state has been quite exhausted by that... And yet I don't want to stop.

NDP rehearsals were, very fortunately, cancelled last week. We were told that we weren't needed for last week's session, and we will be told whether or not we're needed in the duration of every week. That... Kinda makes me unable to commit to worship because like now, I don't even know if I'm supposed to be down there this Saturday. As I had been advised, it's a good time to rest and be away from such commitments for a while.

It's going to be another moonlit night.

Last week's disasters were pretty hard blows to our conscience, logical flow or thought and our comfort. God allows disasters for a reason (or more than one reason) and I'm sure we'll be able to learn from this. Aid has been sent out in grat amounts to both Myanmar and Sichuan China by now (and yes, we're aware that our aid hasn't really goteen to the Myanmese) and relief efforts have been rather successful.

Large disasters often unite political will... Japan sent an elite rescue team, decked out in their orange and blue overalls, to China to help rescue the survivors, and most tragically, drag out the lifeless bodies, the ones that lost the will to live. I'd imagine how easy it can be to lose that will, given how claustrophobic we are already in our office cubicles. Coming back to my point, it's Japan readily helping out China. None of that grudge holding this time.

I'm very happy in my church family. I feel so much regret and pain and all form my past experiences and stuff, but I can't help but feel happy. It's not just the acceptance. It's how much it's made me grow in a year. Just a year.

I can twist and turn in bed out of that regret, but I can't change the way things were.

God allows disasters for a reason.

========================================================

A few moments earlier...

Hot Lingo

2008-05-08T17:48:00.000+08:00

I just recalled some words characteristic of a certain person and I found it rather hilarious. I'm not sure why I've been posting such random thoughts nowadays. Maybe it's the part of me that likes finding humour in almost anything... and that part of me happens to help me appreciate the finest points in life too. I'm thankful for that.

Moving on...

T3h Original random hot lingo!!

Dangerable/dangerability: High probability of being dangerous

Simulated meat floss: A type of biscuit.

Nonononononono: No.

=========================================================

You know, I kinda hate saying this but.

I REALLY WANT TO STUDY.

I just got hold of a psychology textbook.

ARGH dang it's so interesting.

I want to study soooo badly. I mean, like, academics.

So I think I should just go ahead and do it.

Vivify Me Part 2

2008-05-04T16:54:00.000+08:00

The Lord spoke to me during today's prayer session at Sue's Grandaunt's place.

It's time to let go of the pain.

Remember I posted about holding this pain in my heart just so I could compare my current life to where I was?

The Lord said to me, in His ministry, there is no pain. No tolerated pain. No pain from past wounds. He can take it from me. He can relieve me of this pain. The love of Jesus can show me that this pain is not relevant in my ministry any longer.

I don't need to think of who I was anymore just so I can share with others. No, the Lord said no.

I almost sobbed but I didn't want to let myself sob. I'm the kind of guy who's comfortable with letting his tears flow, but I just didn't want to sob uncontrollably, because I felt the Lord so strong in that sanctuary. I felt His hand on me, telling me how strong I was in Him.

Well the tears did come out. That's just how hard it was to control myself.

It's time to give that pain up to Him. I'm ready to.

I'm ready to be vivified.

========================================================

Ok, I think I'd like to share a prayer request I have.

I might have to commit my Saturdays to NDP rehearsals.

I used to think that that was kinda awesome, but actually, come to think of it, it's a waste of my time.

It doesn't mean anything because I'd only be lip-synching the parts I recorded.

It doesn't mean anything because ... Especially because...

I'd be yanked away from my ministry.

It's (my place in worship ministry) the reason why I was so overjoyed when God directed me to MDC in the first place (after I prayed that He would grant me a vocation that would allow me to keep serving.)

It may not sound like much, but 3 months away from serving in the ministry, and attending cell group, and going for service with you younger folks really pains my heart.

I was confused as to why God was letting this happen, but I think God knows what He's doing it.

So please pray for my life.

Pray that I'll be able to accept God's ultimate wisdom.

Pray that I'll be able to serve in these few months I have left as a senior youth.

They mean a lot to me.

Why is it "strike while the iron is hot"?

2008-05-01T15:30:00.000+08:00

And not "Iron while the iron is hot"?

A thought just floated into my mind just now while I was doing some ironing.

It turns out that the idiom didn't originate from ironing of clothes, and I'm sure many of us can figure out that the idiom originated from the blacksmithing process.

Oops.

Well anyway if you really don't know why the blacksmithing, it's actually kinda like striking the iron slab while its still hot so it can shape faster into the tool you're making.

This reminds me of the post I made when I found out that panthers don't exist.

Blank Slate

2008-05-01T08:27:00.000+08:00

Hello blogging world. Decided not to attempt neglecting my multiply after I read about Bachchan and his own popular blog.. Seems like blogs have this certain way about people that other media don't. Feels like blogs are more personal and yet allows anyone to be effectively open to varying degrees of privacy, which can be effectively customised through most blog hosting sites. Interesting. I always find it interesting and mildly artistic that just by opening a blog you can tell much of a person's tastes already.

Anyways life's been utterly good thus far, so much so that I'm forgetting I have a blog of my own that has to be updated once a week... We're working on new repertoire and the days have been good talking nonsense and having a ball of a time with my colleagues and learning new things everyday. There's still this concern of not being able to serve on Saturdays due to NDP rehearsals, something which I'm praying rather desperately over.

The weather's blazing hot again and Mas Selamat is still rampant. I hope my belly doesn't get any bigger and that my hair keeps growing. University apps are taking centuries to get to me. Apparently application for FASS would be a breeze for me since the department itself is huuuuge, but looking at the sort of competition we're getting I think we might have some bit of a problem.

I somehow miss running with my platoon mates. Running on my own is so much more stressful. No one to cheer each other on, less relaxed running pace, no one to overtake... Just me and my watch. Each morning run is becoming increasingly difficult because my first few steps feel so heavy... And they used to be so much lighter in bmt. I miss sprinting like the wind, and I miss the fresh air in Tekong. But I don't miss anything else there.

Iron Man is out!!! The suits look real cool and the CGI is mouth watering, but apparently the script could use some work because the actors just nailed everything down so hard, people wished for more. I agree that the challenge in making an Iron Man movie now is not to make one, but to make it better than expected, and well, I think it IS better than expected because we expected so little. We do know comic book movies aren't meant to be LOTR trilogies (even Peter Jackson couldn't pull off a second LOTR with King Kong), and not every superhero movie is a Spider-Man.

I'm in a dilemma as to whether I should visit the gym or go out. Both are not something I go to every other day... And I'm considering using the one at camp soon, and I know I'm not supposed to due to some silly rules in place. We'll see.

With that I've scribbled some things on this slate and I'm hoping I'll be able to flatten my torso (more) soon enough. Vanity at its finest I tell you (though I know that having a disproportionately large stomach has health hazards). Even running everyday doesn't do the trick. So how do we avoid heart attacks and abused kidneys??

Spiritual Journey

2008-04-22T16:28:00.000+08:00

I realise I haven't really done a good, solid multiply post in quite a while... So I hope nice things pop up in my head today so I have nice things to write about.

It's been more than a month since I've been accepted into the MDC... And I've been doing my best to fit in. My vocals are definitely improving and my performance experience is already skyrocketing way before I've even hit the end of probation (shows how little I actually perform. Heh).

I think it's both a curse and a blessing though, to perform for the major government-related events or national events like the NDP. A blessing because not many will get to do that, and a curse because my Saturdays will be stolen from me. Thankfully there's still Sundays for church, but I'll be missing a whole lot of involvement in the youth ministry... Especially for this year's Youth Sunday! Egad.

Just yesterday I took out my first DJ to read over some really old entries. I realised that I had stopped writing pages since A levels... And also how much depth those writings had. To think I was never aware of how deep the Word of God could go, and how important it is to record down everything I've learnt. I recently just got myself a book to store memory verses in, and I think I shall continue archiving my reflections instead of writing them on a paper and then throwing them away, because looking back on my spiritual journey can still reap me invaluable insights during my current state, as well as truly remind me of how faithful God has been and how faithful He will continue to be as I grow in His Word.

The journey goes on. I'm getting older but I hope my heart stays young -youthful, rather- to hunger for newer secrets buried deep in the Bible, all waiting for me to discover for myself in ways I'd never have previously imagined possible.

And oh, I think I'll stay off chocolate for now... My throat feels kinda funny after some M&Ms went down. Argh, no more daily kitkat bars. I'm also certain this sort of decision can freak out a certain someone, heheh, because chocolate happens to be life to that person.

FOR THE SAKE OF VOICE RAWR

Quote from a fridge magnet:

SAVE THE EARTH.

It's the only planet with chocolate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ue wo muite arukou...

上を向いて歩こう...

I'll look up when I'm walking.

Hard Hitting Serious Notes!

2008-04-12T18:58:00.000+08:00

Today's sermon was the MOST IMPACTING SERMON I've ever had in my entire life.

God was speaking to me about giving up things I've been clinging onto for DEAR LIFE.

My dreams, ambitions, the thing I cherish most.

Where my life might be headed, I might be challenged to give it up.

But I have to. Because there's such a deeper meaning.....

Where's my passion headed? What IS my passion?

I have to choose!

Vivify Me Part 1

2008-03-29T18:46:00.000+08:00

There's something very wrong with me. I can tell simply by reading the past few posts. Something's not right.

I've been thinking about a couple of things recently and that's been making me rather pensive.

Something's not right.

I need to let go of a certain pain.

While it's true that youth service is increasingly less relevant for me due solely to my age, WEB has been a covenant place for me since I first came, not too long ago.

It's been more than a year at WEB now.

The messages are deceptively simple.

Today God met me where I was and reminded me, through the reason why I care so much about my cousin's faith, through the theme of last week's concert CHOICES, why I chose in the first place.

There's a certain pain in that reason, and there's reasons why I've been holding on to that pain.

In addition to that, somehow things just didn't seem too good on the financial side. I'm aware of that, maybe to too much of an extent. There's an increasing urgency in my family and we're feeling the strain from global price increases, very much so. And I'm sure all of us do to our own extents, but for me... It's getting worse.

I'm not about to blame it entirely on spiritual warfare because there ARE some things that were a part of my life and there ARE things that aren't lies. I know that the Devil can use this against me but for the most part, I'm using things against myself.

I notice my own behaviour and temperament. It's not good. It hasn't been good the past few days. I'm getting irritated over things and I'm becoming less tolerant of many things.

I pray and I get distracted and I worry.

There's something wrong with me. I NEED to get down to the bottom of this because it's getting very hard to hide now.

God met me today, and the moment He touched me, I knew.

I came back home, switched on the computer and went on to multiply and read the past few posts.

Something's wrong.

It's time to let go of the burden.

It's time to vivify me. Once and for all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been fussing over the slow rate at which my hair's been growing the past few days.

So I asked my brother: "Eh why my hair grow so slow one!!"

His wise reply: "Aiya, slowly lah."

Final Day of Block Leave

2008-03-23T10:29:00.000+08:00

That's right, from tomorrow onwards, I'll be moving on to the next phase of life. Again I'm as blur as the texture of a film noir as to what I'll be doing in the near future.

And FYI, my voice just went away AGAIN when my asthma got triggered (probably due to the screwy weather) and I coughed my lungs out again. Sigh. That seriously lowers my credibility before I actually start rehearsing and whatever. Well I hope there's dance classes for me to spend my voiceless days on. Please pray that my voice will come back and STAY because it's pretty weird that my voice can get lost AGAIN just 2 weeks after it's on the road to recovery. I've never seen a case like this before.

Imagine: to OOC (out-of-course) in MDC.

A New Path Has Been Revealed! (cue lame RPG theme for finding something new)

2008-03-22T06:28:00.000+08:00

Ok, multiply has offended me by wiping out my post, so I shall not bother writing so much now.

Block leave has been a very good time of rest. It's already the final weekend of block leave, and all the time I spent sleeping at home has certainly helped me recover very quickly.

I'm thinking that I might soon take my own room for granted.

Why?

Yesterday I just received my posting results and I've yet to get over the excitement of it. I actually made it through the auditions for the Music and Drama Company's vocal ensemble and I've been posted to the MDC as an ARTISTE. You wouldn't believe it either. After gawking at the webpage for a while, I walked to my room and started jumping and pumping my fist of victory into the air.

What were the odds of actually making it? I believe I've actually touched on this subject before so I won't go into the reasons again... Just that the odds were rather high. I really appreciate the support of my friends who believed so strongly in me that I would make it, and I'm very thankful for them because... well. They really were behind me all this while. They prepped me up when my own heart was telling me that I couldn't make it... So they added to the joy I felt when I got the news. Thanks for believeing in me all the way!

There's a downside though. I did mention how I might be taking my own bed for granted. That's because everyday after work I have to go home to sleep. It's a blessing, and yet the transport costs are really immense. The real reason why I'm trying at best to save up is really because I'll be paying for my own driving lessons in the future, not because of the psp, and driving lessons... cost a BOMB. With my pay stagnant at $400 (or maybe even $300), it'll be hard to get by on my own. So I'll have to pray for god's divine provision and faith that He'll be the one carrying me through.

Which brings me to this point. God had been very faithful in giving me this posting because I had been praying that my posting would allow me to continue serving in web's worship ministry. I must not forget how faithful God was when He blessed me with this, and so I'll be putting in my best efforts to grow while I'm there.

CHOICES is in about 9 hours!! I'll be having a really good time today. ^ ^

Passed Out (?!?!!?)

2008-03-14T07:27:00.000+08:00

Yeap, it's been quite a while since I've graduated from BMTC. I'm presently enjoying my block leave at home and recovering from the residual symptoms of the bad flu disaster I had last week.

As my BMT wasn't the "complete package" so to speak, I felt it pass by very quickly. I'll miss all the crazy antics of my platoon and section mates and the fun we had with our commanders.

I don't think I'll ever miss doing saikang jobs though. More of it to come.

I've been desperately trying to catch up with my sleep, and I've been assisted by dhasedyl, your friendly neighbourhood cough syrup. Sleep has been reeeeeeeeally awesome.

So what's next after BMT? It's what we call unit life. The next step would be to wait for Good Friday, 1000 hours, the time in which I check my posting, and if you ask me what the next scariest thing after receiving results is, this happens to be at the climax of every nerve-wrecking, fingernail-biting, straw-masticating, head-pulsating event.

Being in pes C has its disadvantages. Whichever posting I get entitles me to very little pay, so I've turned into this little miser during BMT because I refuse to spend lavishly on nitty gritty luxuries. That's just ONE thing I don't really have to worry about as next Friday comes. And by the way, next Friday should be here by tomorrow given the speed time flies.

Ok, I admit the reason why I'm so particular over my pay is because I want to get myself a PSP. And getting one of those can easily set me back some 400 bucks, which is, viola! My entire month's pay.

Ouch.

I find it quite the irony that I've never asked for anything much and for the most part, my modern technologies have always been freely provided for - and I mean FREELY in every literal sense of the word - and now I desire that portable device, which I remember myself mentioning before that I don't need.

I try to rationalise with myself a bit every now and then. Like, hey, I can bring it into camp and fool around with it (yes, you can bring a psp into camp.), and in addition to that, I can bring it anywhere my bag capacity permits me to bring it. It's like a mini computer that plays like a playstation. Some people tell me to go the first step and get a PS2 first, but I'm not fond of the idea of dragging my PS2 to work.

This is why God didn't give me a high life: I'd be obssesive compulsive over it, over everything I get, despite having everything provided for me. I'm the guy who checks his locker thrice before he leaves it and runs downstairs in camp. I'm also the guy who keeps checking the lock of the house door to see that it's there, as well as the one who keeps checking his bag to see if his wallet, keys, mp3 and handphone are around.

Remember the post I did last year on the comic-book-geeky stuff I wanted to get for Christmas? I only got the lego batman figurines because my brother already got them for me. The rest of it never appeared in the home.

Am I a really fussy person? Maybe I am. I don't WORRY over things but I always QUESTION myself whether or not things are good enough. Whether or not I'M good enough. A major weak spot, in fact, that always kept me from growing deeper in Christ and even in myself.

Maybe I'm too picky and thus it leads to a lot of regret in my life. To even the simplest of things, like making a mistake at Subway's. I paid $9.20 for a foot-long and moaned over the choice of sandwich and the quality of the meal for hours. Ok, maybe most of it was for humorous intention and just something to base my banter off, but for it to have even been perceived as a topic for humour, it must show a lot of my inward character.

I'm so picky that I even tell myself, my first girlfriend will be the one I marry. Ok, who wouldn't desire that, since there'll be less pain and less stumbling blocks and all that, but somehow, it shows that I'm unwilling to learn from these experiences, and that I want everything to just fit together nicely, or that if I wait, it'll just get better.

The worst that could happen, is that I obssess over perfection so much, till I become so blind. Perhaps the love of my life is staring at me right in the face everyday but I'm unaware, or I tell myself to drop it and focus on something else, the latter case having happened several times just as an excuse. Even worse, I've thrown away several chances by telling myself that there're better fish in the sea.

Maybe, just maybe, I've been cooking all these things up in an emotional high.

Just maybe.

People tell me I have such a voice, but I've never actually sung for any person in particular before.

People tell me I have such a voice, and I thought I'd be satisfied just using it to worship God. Then why write so many ballads and sing them to the wall? Then why sing so many heart-wrenching love songs and sing them to nobody?

People tell me I have such a voice. I don't really believe them.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Faith.

And

There are other things to do.

One Last Book In

2008-03-09T14:53:00.000+08:00

And one last book out of Tekong before all the crap of army life is over. Amazing isn't it? I think I should be able to bear with it till tuesday, cos by wednesday, praise the Lord, I can see everyone again.

Then comes new challenges to meet in unit life, but I'll worry about that later.

Yesterday's WEB service was a very refreshing encounter with God, a reminder of the life I've been living the past 7 weeks. A reminder that despite the circumstances I'm in, I have to remember who my Lord is, and the life I have to live.

I look forward to a great 2 weeks of rest and my upcoming pay.

Meanwhile, I just had a dinner that should have compensated for 12 days of army life without sufficient culinary satisfaction. Phew.

Ill

2008-03-08T05:24:00.000+08:00

At this juncture, we're now tasked to pick our career paths in university. I'm not completely unsure of what to choose, and I'm not entirely unsure of what I'll be dreaming of doing... Yet choices like these are hard to make. Very hard.

But of course it'll be hard. God gave us only one life to live. The rest of it is an eternity, and literally an eternity, practically an eternity, and realistically, an eternity.

At this point I'm tempted to write an essay about life versus eternity and how faith entails elements of risk without actually compromising on freedoms of choices listed above... But I just want to talk about other things.

Like how NS has been fun and irrelevant at the same time. Like how I miss home so much everytime, and yet when I get home, I just feel home and overly desperate to binge on hand-made delicacies.

Anywho, I'm currently suffering from a very bad flu. A real flu, not a cold, so, if not for the fact that I'm right at home sweet-original-clean-dustless-spick-and-span home and not in a cramp, offshore, plain and bland mini island, my prospects of enjoying my block leave would seem pretty darned bleak.

I luuuurrrve smashing on my computer's keyboard right about now. And yet, I don't feel very deprived. It's something about having dual lives somehow... One side trains to be a man, while the other maintains the warmer side of life.

Also, at this point of time, far away from any form of actual studying, I'm finally asking myself what kind of person my future girlfriend will be like, and not just brooding over when things will start. I'm questioning my emotions towards some girls and I'm asking myself whether or not what I'm doing somehow is right. And I haven't prayed about this area yet. I guess it's kinda like entertaining some thoughts because I've been in the army for weeks now.

WEEKS!

Time flies.

But yeah.

You get a point.

And I'm getting old!

Plus I have a lack of video games to enjoy. I'm very choosy with my video games. I don't dota or do CS or even WOW because of the costs. In fact, I just made a deal with someone in my platoon to sell my WOW. Apparently his Dad is insisting on paying me 60 bucks for it to compensate me for the "loss".

Well, that was a good break, and a plain little rant about the minor-est issues of life.

BrB l8eR~

Wah Tired.

2008-03-07T12:38:00.000+08:00

So that people won't keep asking, here're my A level results:

bio: B

math: B

chem: B

GP: B

econs: A

Yeeeap. Given the situations I was in, I'd say my results are a blessing. Who says every 8 pointer has to have straight A's for A levels? I think many people know by now that in secondary school math and chem were my weakest subjects, and by the grace of God, my effort pulled me to the A mark. Getting B's is a blessing because I was failing all the tests in JC for math and chem. Ok lah, not all the tests for math, but still, my finals for math all sucked.

One thing's for sure: I'm NEVER touching math again in my whole life.

EVER.

So now I know what taking such huge risks can give me.

I need a nap too. Better get to it before dinner!

Sun Shower

2008-02-24T05:32:00.000+08:00

Time flies. When I book in tonight, I would be entering my 5th week of army, which would mean only less than 3 weeks to go before BMT. In the meantime, army life has taught me a lot of things, not just about keeping cool, but also about appreciating God at every corner.

Faith, faith, faith for that one step more, one step more. Every step I take seems to take a lifetime, but when I look back I realise these little steps of faith I take have made me grow into someone I'd have never imagine possible.

I'll be confined again the next coming weekend, so I won't be able to go for WEB again next week. It feels as if my days are numbered, but only in a youthful sense. I'm growing up, and I'll definitely have to.

Surprisingly life in the army gets pretty normal after a while. Post field camp, the bed in our bunk feels so comfortable, and I realise I now have acquired the skill of sleeping anywhere.

Blogging has become a good tool to sharpen my deteriorating brain over the weekend. While my spoken English has become slurred, I'm glad that I retained the ability to think logically to a certain extent.

Heheh.

Very soon I'll be able to serve in WEB. Very soon. But not for long after that.

So if you're reading this, you're in WEB, and you're younger than me, do consider treasuring your time in the ministry because time will pass. If you're in the worship ministry, treasure every moment you have with which you use to worship God with youthful enthusiasm, because that energy will definitely be different when you hit twenty.

I'm nineteen this year.

Anyway field camp was quite an experience. Running around on slopes with no particular gradient must have improved my sense of balance. We slept on a ground sheet covering uneven hard ground for 2 nights. I'm also proud to say that I can now navigate my way through the forest in the darkest night despite having night blindness. Yaayy.

When you're outfield and you've dug trenches, you get sooooo hungry that combat rations taste like heaven. Sure, by eating combat rations you risk getting the sides of your mouth cut, but they taste damn good when you feel sore all over. What more chicken rice which we all take for granted?

I'll let the next 2 weeks pass. In the meantime, I'll be persistent in prayer.

See you in 2 weeks!

Or, at least till the A level results appear to steal my joys from me.

2nd Book In

2008-02-17T04:40:00.000+08:00

I'd been praying madly over the past week that I'd be able to make it for WG, so praise the Lord that despite the SDC trip yesterday pulling book out time to 3.30pm, I was still able to make it for a good 20 minutes or so of WG time.

I won't be making this secret so. I had earlier decided that during BMT I will not be participating in any major church activities as a leader. Firstly because administratively I'm severely limited (no computer for emails, no handphone till night time and this week, no handphone for 4 days) and I have very little time. That little time I have I use for QT. Unsurprisingly God has been working in my life even during NS, through those little bits of quiet time I can have, and slowly but surely I'm beginning to understand certain concepts I otherwise would not understand had I not gone to the army. Secondly, the amount of focus I can have on any project will be very little. At this point of my life, it's not so much about doing things than it is about growing deeper in faith. I suppose I'd be making the most of my situation by concentrating on inner growth rather than worrying so much about leading a project by sitting in my bunk with little access to any form of communication and thus leading to huge jumble-ups.

That said, I had to RESIST volunteering for a leadership post, because that's exactly what my heart is STRAINING to do: be there for the youths and support them directly. I had to resist very hard. But I've prayed over it; that's not where my concerns should be atthis very moment. I have faith that by the end of BMT I can become a better leader so when I come back to serve, God will once again repay me for what the "locust swarms" have wrested from me.

The one thing I'm available to do now though, is to pray for all of you. For each and every one of you. I wake up earlier than the whole platoon so I can do that.

And thus ends my weekly blog entry! God bless, and sms me your prayer requests so I can work on them. I hope to bring my platoon mates to that easter outreach too, since God made it happen after BMT. :)

Today Is My Book In Day~~ Book In~ Book In (D:)

2008-02-12T04:04:00.000+08:00

It's been a refreshing 6 days of home after the first 12+ days at camp. I hope I'll be able to book out by Saturday if not I'll miss WG AGAIN.

In 3 hours I'll be off to Tekong again. I wonder how I'm going to bring home my civvie bag in my field pack, but I'll have to manage something because my keys are in there still.

I don't miss going to school... Yet.

A level results are coming! So scary pls. I think I won't need to buy Funorama tickets cos I'd have landed myself in a mental institute before then.

Alright, with that, I leave civilisation once more.

Happy schooling kids!

The Changes That Were Always There

2008-02-07T14:40:00.000+08:00

I've never been so thankful for CNY before.

Yes, it's been a good 12 days at Tekong and I just got out yeterday, which was kinda like the 13th day. For some reason home took some time to get used to. For instance, the sparkling clean floor my Mum and brother always took so much effort to maintain, a mile away from the perpetual dust carpets of Tekong. Dust collects there like pigeons in a park. Then there's the absolutely clean water and the room with no odour.

As I left the bus that carried us fresh recruits home and said goodbye to my newfound comrades, I had plenty of time to soak in the changes that were always there. The first comment that popped up in the bus when we hit the bus terminal was:

"Wah, zar bor!"

Which drew instantaneous bouts of laughter. It had many elements of truth. We hadn't actually seen girls in person for 12 days. Everyday the bunks were filled with lots of singing (yes, lots of singing.srsly) and veryveryveryvery guy talk.

The first day I booked in was unusually emotional. The ferry that took us there took little of our time and soon enough we were all at Tekong. At first look the island seemed like a fantastic place to train in. I'm not about to say it isn't; it's pretty decent, unlike the crummy place I had cooked up with my fantastic imagination. My Dad went along with me to the orientation program, and as soon as we hit the island, we got separated. I went upstairs to surrender my pink IC, and got my green one.

We took the oath swearing thing and got re-united with our parents soon after... Then within a flash, the announcement came for the new recruits to leave.

The following that happened was the most emotional parting I ever had with a loved one. My Dad said a last few words to me and turned to go off, but after walking 10 steps away, he ran back with his eyes full of tears and embraced me. I'll never forget how hard it was for me to hold my own tears back, because I've never before, in my whole entire life, seen my Dad cry. Not even at Grandpa's funeral he cried. He cried only when his second son was about to leave.

And so we parted ways. As the recruits were lined up in rows of 3 at the parade square, I could see my Dad frantically scanning the whole platoon for me, but I didn't want to wave because I knew I'd really start crying really bad if he spotted me.

I couldn't wait to call my parents. When we got to our bunks, I got to know some of my bunk mates. One of my bed buddies (meaning one of the guys who'd sleep next to me) was a fellow choir member and an excellent singer as well. We'd have lots of fun singing in the bunk with our section mates in the coming days.

When I called my Mum, I could also tell how much she was going to miss me by the shaking tone in her voice that was quite unusual.

12 days passed, not really in a flash, but I'm thankful I enjoy the activities there. My first book out got kind of screwed up when I realised I couldn't bring any civilian bags along outside the field pack, so I rushed to repack my stuff and in turn, forgot to bring home my house keys. I got very upset for a while, but when I called my parents and told my Dad about it, he didn't really care.

My Mum had made nian gao for me and asked Dad to put it in the car. Man, it was so tasty. She knows I like her nian gao.

I never knew the impact my absences left on my family -when I went overseas, on tour and all that- till I got into NS. I'm not sure about the impact it left on my other friends, but my family members were so happy to have me home. I missed them so much!

I took some time to clear my 70 emails and then went to sleep. My own bed also took some getting used to.

Today though, happened to be a quieter CNY. I didn't see some relatives because we spent a little time waiting for one of my relatives in the morning. They never came... Maybe they only planned on coming in the afternoon. So it kind of snowballed and we didn't get to see everyone. It's ok. I'll still get to see everyone tomorrow.

Chinese New Year is a festival that gathers the family together. Before NS, it was only a time where I could see all my relatives. Now, it had a completely different meaning because I got to see my family again after what felt like an eternity.

If you noticed, I'm using a different style to write this post. If it appears slightly more childlike to you, it is... Because the child in me missed his family while he did his "adult" stuff.

Ok, enough emo-ing. Time to catch up with other activities that need catching up on.

Pre-NS thoughts Part 2

2008-01-24T15:44:00.000+08:00

Tonight is the last I'll get to sleep on my bed.

I shall get used to a new one. I hope the army pillow is nice. Lol.

I rushed to pack all my stuff in and broadcast emails for my Dad today. No going out.

I spent lots of time watching youtube.

I spent lots of time looking at the farewell card the senior WEBs made for me too.

I like the part which says, NS is going to be fun!

I also thank Denis for placing a verse there. It was, and will always be, encouraging to have God's Word with me. I think I'll be bringing the card along as a form of encouragement.

I don't have anything deep to write really. I do have some emotional ramblings though.

I will miss everyone back home. Family, friends, familiar faces.

I will miss worshipping God in song.

I will miss hanging out the clothes, sweeping the floor, collecting the clothes, wiping the dining table, sighing at my messy cluttered table wondering where my mp3 player went, among other paraphernalia I have around the house.

I will miss hearing a special someone's voice, which really comforts me greatly, on the phone every week. :) I shall bug that someone more in camp. Heheheh! I got free incoming calls summore.

I will miss singing ballads freely to no one in particular. I will miss singing freely.

I will miss mum's delicious dinnertime feasts. I will stuff myself full every Saturday. So probably less WG time. I will miss WG time.

I will miss the WEBs and the other people I got to know.

I will miss wasting time with other fellows.

I will miss everything.

But I gain more things.

I will gain new comrades.

I will gain new perspectives in life.

I will be one with nature and pee on the green grass.

I will get a new wife and clean, dress and undress her everyday.

My rifle lah.

I will write songs.

I will solve the rubik's like dunno how many million times.

I will indulge in idle chatter with my brush-head mates in the bunks.

I will gain new levels of fitness by pushing myself beyond my PES C label.

I will learn discipline more than what I understand.

I will learn what it means to be irrational.

I will be thankful that I don't have to eat locusts and honey for breakfast.

I will keep my bunk clean.

I will get to know God Himself in different ways possible.

I will reflect. And reflect. And reflect.

And gain more new things that I can't think of now.

I shall strive to pray everyday and ensure a steady walk with God.

And, here's cheers to a bright new phase of life ahead!

Congrats to those who got satisfactory O lvl results, and to those who didn't clinch what they wanted, fret not! God loves you all the same. We love you all the same.

Let us not be defined by our results. Let us instead be defined by the character God shapes us into.

Hitler was damn smart also what. But nobody liked him much.

Well.... There's nothing much else I can say now.

Thanks to everyone who helped me grow.

God bless!

And I will miss everyone. :)

Exclusive Blogger Post

2008-01-24T14:00:00.000+08:00

I haven't used blogger to post in ages. Normally I'd rely on Multiply to cross post for me, which is very convenient since I can select the blogs to post to. Anyway I decided to change the background song before I enter NS tomorrow. :)

This song is in Korean, title Always There by DBSK. It's one of the songs I sang for the Music and Drama Company auditions, so you can have a listen to what I auditioned with. :)

Meanwhile the J1s are taking their O level results. Reminds me of how nervous I was and how shocked I got when my name appeared on the top results screen. Haha, I wonder how my A levels will fare... I've already prepared myself for a not-so-pretty outcome because I hardly had the time to prepare well enough, but whatever outcomes there can be, I believe everyone is matured enough to accept each other regardless of results. :)

So here are the raw English lyrics for the song, as I normally post whenever I change a background song. I should find a new blogskin soon too.

(Emo song!!!)

Block the light
When you leave, it has to be dark
Cover the sun
For when you return, I might look foolish
I sit and think at the place where we made our promise
Will I be able to share the love I have for you?
Even if my mind was erased, I wouldn't forget your face
Your face is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears
Even if I emptied my heart, our memories will still hold its place
Because I'm so sad, so hurt, till you're the only one I can see

With that, I'll be posting using multiply later. One final post before going to tekong. Woohooz.

Pre-NS thoughts Part 1

2008-01-23T14:55:00.000+08:00

While there's really nothing on my mind at the moment, I felt I should write/blog stuff regarding the suspense before NS, and.... To tell the truth there really isn't much suspense. Honestly I'm much more afraid of taking my A lvl results than regarding army.

End of post kthnx bye.

Kidding lah.

The year so far has been filled with scattered and small events. The biggest element this year is that of nostalgia. There's really no surprise in that because enjoying my head off after A's has caused me to take several things for granted, eg the fierce A lvl battle, which I've almost completely forgotten. It feels strange that I actually worked my brain so hard during that time... And I've probably forgotten how hard the fight against H2 math was. And chem, oh my goodness. Ok actually it's all coming back and i don't want to douse myself into such old depths too much.

Well, at least not those kinds of depths.

Today I went back to AC for the last time before enlistment, and you know, when people visit a place before they leave something behind, that place definitely has a great load of importance. Yiren had called me over for a lunch there, so I went. I should've thanked him for doing that actually because going to the canteen, tasting the food, walking through the void deck... The food... the food tasted so refreshing. Every taste brought back a certain something. Meeting the random friends I made during the 2 years, chatting over lunch, library mugging moments, power naps, class nonsense (especially the valentine's day stunt I did rather involuntarily... sigh), choir... Wow, wave upon wave of nostalgia, so much so the sentences can't conclude themselves. But whatever was has to be left behind has to go.

Nostalgic moments supersede the human laws of convenience. On the way out, I walked a longer distance to the sports complex to use that washroom. Somehow the usually void sunken gallery had those flashback-y images of the crowds of students readying themselves for exams all around the complex. Somehow I felt like walking over to the brown benches at the side of the complex to lie down and dream before rehearsal... Only there wasn't gonna be a rehearsal for me. I said I might visit choir for the last time before I left. I did. I walked over to the HR doors and planted my ear there. The sounds of a new cycle of singers and the muffled tones of the piano somehow splashed through the door. The sounds were faint, but they helped me recall some of the greatest moments I ever had last year. The angle my eyes were at while I was "eavesdropping" allowed me to look at the koi pond at the same time, and I saw people lazing around it in idle chatter. A lone figure stood there, watching the fish.

I walked, unhurriedly, out of the place, and once and for all, left those memories behind me. They'll only be there for me to indulge in once in a while; I now have to make better memories in the days to come, in a whitewashed environment of forced uniformity.

Plenty of the days before had me visualising how the camp facilities will be like. Several times before anything new is about to happen, I tend to visualise how they'll look like... And as we all know too well, many times reality differs from our mental... presdigitations. Things almost never turn out the way we feel they should look. So maybe I should adopt a I'm-ready-for-anything-you-throw-at-me-because-I-expected-everything-to-happen-all-at-once-to-happen-concurrently-so-I'm-ready-for-all-of-them-lmao mentality sometime. I never really knew how the human brain works to take in new surroundings and to adapt to them, but I know that my brain will eventually configure itself. The one thing my brain can't configure is bad nerves.

My J1 year seemed so long ago, but it's merely less than 2 years past. Back then I still hadn't grown out of getting really bad nerves when I did public performances, especially the bigger ones in the esplanade, or solos and competitions and stuff. It was only during tour I fully understood the meaning of sharing music with your audience. I didn't do anything particular to help myself out, it pretty much just all sank in at once. Somehow doing a solo now seems easier than singing in a large group or singing with a band, because I don't have to worry about how my part will turn out anymore. Instead I can shape it within my own heart and just sing it. And in everything one sings, I feel most importantly that a professional singer needs to be earnest... If not singing a song is a craft lost in the garish limelight.

NS however, has got nothing to do with performance. It does have to do with one subtle aspect: being earnest.

I'm not about to expound on that simply because I find it hard to do so.

I'll conclude my thoughts tomorrow... When I've thought through a lot more.

Tribute to Mythbusters

2008-01-19T17:56:00.000+08:00

Never really watched it, but they explained one of the most lasting questions from childhood: Does a ceiling fan have the capability to chop off a head?

Well, try looking it up if you desire their answer.

jamie hyneman kitteh.

Argh... Choices and Differences

2008-01-19T07:32:00.000+08:00

I very badly, very very very very badly wanted to visit choir's welcome tea today. Just like I very very very very badly wanted to sing for their carolling last year. Choices are very hard to make sometimes... I loathe the theory of oppurtunity cost, firstly because it's just a darned theory, and secondly because oppurtunity cost is generated based on material gains, not always pertaining to money but... Always having some sort of measurable quality to it. And choices as such can't be juxtaposed with oppurtunity cost; some people like to put it that way, but I simply can't live with it, because such a value means so much to my soul.

If only we had our own way all the time huh... Then we'd really never learn.

I thought making the harder choice of resting instead of joining the kids at carolling last year would help me let go of choir altogether. It just didn't work out as much... I feel as if I haven't given enough. And the theories of letting go, however absurd I find some of them... They also say that you don't have to cling on so tight. In other words, giving doesn't stop at your juniors. They continue for the infinite number of generations yet to come. Then there is the posture of living that reflects how you're giving.

And... Although I see it as such, my juniors aren't kids anymore.

Dang, I sound really old.

I'm young enough, however, to learn that I'll have to make several more harder choices that can eventually split me in two and put me back together. God's wisdom is supreme... I'll just have to learn to let go of myself even further.

I'm especially proud of one of my juniors -whom I'm much closer to- who said that he doesn't expect me to be perfectly mature. It takes a lot of knowing to actually say that in full honesty, a lot of knowing the other side.

In order for the generations to carry on legacies, those coming before them must give them freedom and let go.

Aw, I hate saying stuff like that. So mushy and corny. But true hor.

==========================================================

The past week was spent toning mah musclez in the gym. As a result of yesterday's 3+ hours session of msucle tonin my body is now officially....... retarded.

My brother told me at dinner yesterday: You'd better eat more if not tomorrrow you'll have trouble lifting your arms to take off your shirt.

Me: roffles

*next morning*

Me: Zahmahgarsh I really can't take off my shirt.

My arms and calves ache like I just finished massaging King Kong. No wonder I couldn't wake up.

Other than trying to hone mah gym skillz (quite pathetically in comparison to the REAL KING KONGS walking around in the gym) I been watching documentaries.

One of which was one of those documentaries documenting documents on the differences between gender. A programme like that is bound to fascinate us, quite palpably, because, let's face it, unless we wanna go for a sex change, which is rather permanent, and in my very blunt, honest, personal opinion, is rather gross, the rest of us, however much we claim we know the other gender, know pretty much nuts.

Really. We think we know a lot about the opposite gender, but we really don't. That's how smart God was when He created two genders.

And kids, don't use so many commas in a paragraph if you wanna get an 'A' for GP.

I find the differences between both genders so fascinating because the differences can be so subtle AND obvious simultaneously. For example, the facial features of a man and a woman can already help one define the borders. We could use a computer programme and alter the features of a man to make him become a she, just by tweaking a few spots. And amazingly, these few spots are so hard to detect. Hence you can say, hey, he looks feminine, and yet you can't say that he looks like a girl because he doesn't. He just looks "softer", but his facial features still define him as a man.

And yes, there were the tests they carried out to determine THE differences in character, and of course, males would seem highly immoral. I have to agree that males overall are less empathic than females. the differences in my agreement is that I think it's based off the masculine stereotype, and a man who's wussy just isn't very nice anyway, because a wussy man isn't dependable, and a wussy man, defined to be wussy because of a lack of those male characteristics of being a guardian, a protector, wouldn't make a good husband. I don't expect men to be extremely emotional, judges with excellent moral ground or empathic fellows who express their empathy outwardly in every sense of the words, simply because the masculine man is a protector who must use logic and reason to protect those he loves.

Then there was this part of the show where they scanned two brains, a female brain and a male brain, the "samples" being husband and wife, and concluded that the man's emotional portion of the brain showed no signs of working when making decisions, while the woman's was as active as the rest of her brain was. I was hardly surprised. Along with it was a short segment where the lives of the couple was shown and their wedding and all, and the woman lamented that times were so much warmer and lovelier before the wedding. She said that the brain scans were true; in their arguments the husband was prone to be insensitive to feelings, so she tries to introduce elements of thinking that allow her husband to grasp that part, but the husband cannot. She says that she is slightly disturbed that her husband can't and she can't see why he cannot. She's very nice, loving and warm about the way she says it, however, with the smiles and all. The man similarly laments, saying he wishes his wife could see things more logically sometimes and not always base things on empathy.

The scientist however, says something rather profound. She says that precisely because their brains work differently, they have to accept each other's differences in character. They cannot expect the other side to change just because their own brain and character works that way. Each of us is made differently, and husband and wife definitely work differently; as such it is a union designed to work based on the strengths and weaknesses of both. Ok, the union bit I added in, but that's what the scientist was saying. The couple understood! And they looked at each other and smiled, such wonderful, changed smiles that my own heart as warmed.

I was astounded! The concept was so simple, but I had never seen it put in such a manner before. It was as if God had opened my eyes to something new in something I thought I always knew, but never fully understood. It was true wisdom of acceptance, and it came from a woman who had really seen it.

I cannot stand women who henpeck their husbands to comply to their every standard, because henpeckers are the ones who are truly imperfect! Their husbands love them so much they don't retort, and they should, because their wives have to learn something, that the husbands they married are different in the way they work, and it should've been the personality they married, not anything else. SImilarly, men who abuse their wives are detestable, firstly going against the commands of the Word of God, and secondly also that their wives do not fight back more so out of love for them and not because they really can't. Such men are a horrid example to the rest of us, and I pray we never ever fall to such ways. How can we beat on the women we're meant to protect; how can we be the source of danger for them? Detestable!

And I do not believe that being able to use both sides of the brain at once is something that makes females superior to us. Males cannot multitask, and it's true, it's really true. None of us can. I can't. My Dad can't. My brother can't. Our MM himself probably can't. And is it a setback? Does it take a hind seat to human will? Males and females' brains were designed to work this way, and they both have their absolute advantages. Females think multiple pathways, and males are hence very focused on the task at hand. This is in itself a form of a biological advantage for the tasks set to males, and it also happens to be the real reason why males don't spend the whole day shopping for clothes. We can't think as much. I have this paragraph here because the ability to multitask was portrayed as highly advantageous in the show. Well, it is, when the circumstance calls for it. (maybe that's why women make better secretaries? Haha.)

I despise male chauvinists and feminists because they think that their gender is superior, all the while forgetting that GOD designed two genders for a reason. GOD designed our differences so that we can work in unity and marvel at His glory and creation, much like the impossible becoming possible, much like the unloved becoming loved, through the power of deliberate differences!

And I praise God that the modern "gender debate" has truly become nothing more than just a subject of satire to entertain ourselves and laugh at in all honesty and goodwill, just to celebrate our differences and know that they exist.

Season of Change... Do Not Forget the Lord!

2008-01-14T06:34:00.000+08:00

Yayness I has a new fone. Nokia 6121 Classic. Along with the army phone I have, I now have 3 phones in total. I'll be busy switching SIM cards while I'm at it and praying that my phone's plastic casings don't wear down or something.

In less than 2 weeks I'll be enlisting. I praise the Lord that I've been given extra time to reflect before I'm chucked into BMTC 2.

For most of us who read this thing/blog/thingamajigy, we're mostly going through huge changes. (And for that matter, I hope none of us who read this are experiencing voice breaks.) We're in new environments, in the faster lanes, or looking at new kids on the block and going AHMAHGARSH NOOOOOEz LITTLE RASCALS! while struggling to keep up with the new demands.

As for me, I'm about to discover how crazy our government's regulations are in boot(eh) camp.

The same goes for the worship ministry. The sanctuary has gotten bigger, the sound system has gotten huttier, and we're gonna get new people in the ministry rather soon. Personally my challenge is not only to become more of a leader than just a singer, but also to keep moving out of the mundane perspective of life and to keep my Christian life as fresh as possible, fresh meaning to prevent the Christian walk from becoming stale.

With that I always bear in mind the Psalm that says, sing to the Lord a new song (96:1) and declare His glory among the nations. New challenges this year WILL bog us down; it is up to us, then, to persist in prayer for God's strength and new understanding of worship so that God will continue to be real to us even in the mundanity that is before us.

I seek enlightenment in my ministry. I desire to lead everyone to feel God in a whole new way. That'll require not just reading lyrics, but rather understanding them, which is far simpler said than actually executed.

I shall not forget my blessings, for the past 2 and a half years since my faith journey really started, God has been blessing me tremendously with things I did not earn.

Deuteronomy 6:10-12a

¹⁰ When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, ¹¹ houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, ¹² be careful that you do not forget the LORD...

(emphasis mine)

Do not forget the Lord! In harsher time, strange periods of life, when we're being blessed senseless, or when relationships are strained even, do not forget the Lord! Do not forget the Lord who brought you into these places, blessed you so, gave you these moments of growth and led you into trials to help you grow in preparation for an eternity in heaven! How much more so, as we worship in the new sanctuary, as we shift to greener pastures... Do not forget the Lord! The empty seats will fill, but do not forget the Lord!

However mundane things will in time become, I pray I do not forget my Lord, who has brought me through so long a journey to finally be skilled enough for His ministry.

I will never forget the Lord who brought me back and gave me a new family. I will not forget what He did to repay the years lost to the "swarms of locusts" (Joel 2:25)!

The Sad and Emo

2008-01-08T16:08:00.000+08:00

Somehow the start of the year always quite emo. My mood's been pretty dark lately, given the stuff that's been happening around the place... I'll leave it as ambiguous for the time being.

Yesterday was a day packed with walking and walking and walking and walking. Brendan, Jerome and I met up in a 171 through carefully planned coordination. I rushed my outfit picking for the audition and ran out of the house to meet them on the bus.

We stopped a stop later than Nee Soon by mistake, so we had to walk our way back. The walk to the camp wasn't too far in, but, being the n00bs that we were, we did not realise at all that there would be a shuttle bus service to bring people to MDC itself.

So we walked in.

After a long 15 minute or so walk, we arrived at MDC. Talk about lowest priority; it was the last camp in Nee Soon. The 3 of us were drenched in guess-what liquid.

We proceeded to meet Brendan's friend, the one who recommended him (who in turn got him to recommend the other two of us). Initially I thought it wouldn't be so difficult to get in after all... Since it would be just a male chorale correct?

We talked on and I found out that it was just a small ensemble of 6 people. Gulp.

The MDC Vocal Ensemble (VE) was uber laid-back, which kind of lightened the load on my pumping heart. While I had the impression that auditions would be done by some old professional dude with 20 dips or so in music, it was done entirely by the members of the ensemble themselves. Brendan took a long time to get his audition done, and while I was nervous like crap before that, when I got in I understood why. They were talking nonsense and randomly chatting before each fellow got a chance to sing. IT was something I appreciated because I could see it was an effort to keep the overall atmosphere light. It did calm me down quite a bit.

I guess the chances of me actually getting in there are really awfully slim, given that a load of people are auditioning, and what they need are only replacements for those ORD-ing. All it takes for me to lose my chances is another fellow in a lower PES than me who can sing better. And boy, there exist several of those.

It was a good experience anyhow. And I shouldn't be bothered too much since I'll only know my posting 3 months later.

We went to Lido Shaw House for lunch. Then Jerome joined his fwenz and Brendan and I walked all over Orchard. We visited Heath on the way in by the way (who clinched a job at Ralph Lauren. Dang he's lucky.). I forgot where exactly we went, 'cept for Borders, Dollz Inc (my favourite spot for action figures. Yeeeeah babaye), Kinokuniya, best Denki and random toilets... Whoa, that's pretty much everywhere we went. Then we headed to teh Singapore Art Museum!!

Now all you ACJC students out there, grab this short period of a month or two to visit the museum, because with your student pass, and by signing in, you can get in for FREE.

How do I know? Heheheheheheh.

Throughout the whole museum, sans the third level because we got too lazy, what impressed me most was the BIG picture gallery. The artworks there were gorgeous, easy to appreciate and yet deep and intellectual at the same time, and just absolutely breathtaking. Largely because they were so big. Then there was the one with the glorious sunlight flowing across the snowcapped mountains with the multitude of colours that can only be found within a diamond, with the lushly detailed canyons in the background.... Absolutely gorgeous.

And that political piece Brendan and I spent much time marvelling at. With a stick representing the economy of country X. That was cute. Haha.

We left the museum and headed our way to school. Before that something ridiculous had happened at home... And that was when my mood got affected really greatly. Because I was really let down.

Like I said in the previous post, I hide my feelings really really really really well. I only show them to people when I actually tell them how I feel. And I hid them when we got to school to help out at choir.

Ok, so a lot of choir people are actually reading this now and have found out that I was in a bad mood yesterday. Geez.

The new folks auditioning looked soooo exhausted. More exhausted than their seniors aiyo. It was good to see the kids in uniform again though. And the new school annual is out and we all look ridiculous in it but oh well. Kind of predicted that would happen.

I received a call later that kind of made my mood worse... I had to take the bus during the peak hour. And along the way I got soooo pissed when I was told I didn't have to take it anymore. By then I was already stuck in a jam along Clementi.

I had fallen asleep on the bus and the driver woke me up. I proceeded to walk 10 more minutes home.

I reached the door at 7.55pm. I had taken 1 and a half hours to get home from Clementi. Just when I thought I'd explode for almost no reason whatsoever (other than being mad at the things that had gone wrong), I realised none of my family members was saying anything.

My mum laid out dinner for me and when I saw it, I felt nothing mattered anymore but just my mum's love for me, that she would stop everything she was doing just to wait for me to get home. It was like she was apologising on everyone's behalf.

So I just ate, and my oh my, the food tasted so good.

I wonder what happened to my patience lately. It's like something I've been building up for so long just collapsed in a pile of rubble just because I got complacent.

=======================================================

How, in this huge sea of people, am I ever going to find the one person for me?

Am I really being so picky?

Something I need to surrender to God. Something that will require that very same patience that told me to wait till my army days are done.

I look again at the coming years though, and think... It'll require so much more than patience.

It'll require crying out to God and dying to my own wills everyday. Just like with every sin that binds me.

And yet I know I'm just not ready to commit.

So when it comes it comes eh.

How, in this huge sea of people, can I ever find the one who is meant for me.

Too many Korean songs in my system. Must be.

Of Cheesy Music and More Cheesy Music

2008-01-06T11:40:00.000+08:00

To everyone who doesn't know yet, I managed to get myself an audition at the Music and Drama Company at SAF TOMORROW and I haven't the slightest idea how to go about it. Erm, if anyone sees this early enough, please pray for me before tomorrow starts. Haha. Thanks. =D

I guess "managed" is not a good word to use, because I basically sat around and did nothing and all of a sudden a friend pops up and invites me to audition. I didn't even pray for an audition (I prayed just for God's direction and whether He was leading me towards MDC... Among other things about teh army) which makes it well... Better and worse at the same time. I'm VERY excited over this actually, and I hide my excitement very well. So I hope I remember how to sing in English tomorrow morning. YES, it's tomorrow morning at 10am at Sembawang. Pray I'm able to sing my best at that time of the morning and I don't croak out Superman or Drift Away (the songs I'm doing),

It's the start of a new journey for everyone. One thing I have a gripe about in Singapore is the extremely fast-paced life we have. We have to get used to different phases of life almost annually or biannually. Thankfully the people who go before us are around to guide us, and that we have God's divine influence to alter our paths and bring us back when we stray from it.

Army life draws nearer and nearer yet. I have 2 more weeks or so before I go in. It's a new phase of life... Again. Siiiiiigh.

On the subject of cheesy music, I'd like to ask, how does a singer touch people and make rabid fangirls scream? Since a voice isn't visible at all.

Sound makes up a very large part of our quality of life. A silent world can kill a human designed to absorb the environment by listening.

Others argue however that TASTE is a larger player in quality of living. There was a person who lost her sense of taste and killed herself (no sources I can quote, so sue me).

Imagine. All that BEN AND JERRY'S, DARK CHOCOLATE, TIRAMISU, BAH-KWAH (haha, since CNY is coming) and other what-have-yous that help you put on your pounds. Life must really suck big time without taste!! Besides being able to diet really efficiently lah.

So there you have it. Some things to thank God for already. :)

I'm looking forward to this new week and the preparation for the worship next week. Haha pheeeeeewie. And more visits to the gym to pump myself up. RaWR

officially the first post of 2008

2008-01-01T10:00:00.000+08:00

Finally the new year is here, and I'll have to get used to calling it 2008.

SARS seemed like yonks ago and felt like yesterday.

I wonder how the year 3000 will look like.

Happy 2008 folks! A year of challenges and fierce expectations.

Which, of course, applies to every year.

Can't wait for 2010. Wow, by then we would be a decade into the second millenium.

Best wishes to all those going to school tomorrow. Especially those going for acjc's orientation. Have lots of fun!

officially the last post of 2007

2007-12-31T16:34:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is 2008.

So how's 2007 been?

January:

Was all geared up for school, 'cept for one thing: I had not studied for that dreaded macro econs test based off econnect (which, according to AC tradition, doesn't work most of the time). The choir had an unexpected surprise. We had to sing carols one final time as a batch to take down the christmas tree in the lobby. I met with Winter Wonderland again. Sigh.

CCA showcase was INSANE because we had to learn what became known as our men's batch's defining song, Insomniac. Nearly died from exhaustion. Ok, I admit I enjoyed every single bit of rehearsals, but I have to say that we were left quite exhausted.

Then CCA showcase flew by. We got our juniors by the end of the month. Found out they were slightly less than nuts.

Continued going to church on weekends and I learnt stuff about Nehemiah. I kept the sermon notes in my Bible.

February:

Ok by this time we learnt that the new kids in school were completely insane muggers. Many lined up to get into the mugging area of the library. The more paranoid J2s like yours truly spent some days mugging those huge chunks of bio. X-country came and went just as fast as the milo did on the day itself. I said hi to Grace Wang for the first time during the X-country. Then she ran off and I was left eating dust.

Valentine's day came! Choir dudes sang Under Dah Boardwalk to the gals and the gals sang erm, I forgot. It Would Be Nice. I think. Valentine's Day is a day I'll remember because I had a proper conversation with Grace Wang for the first time.

I was going home with close friend Jinghan, a fellow bass. He was delievering stuff to his beau and so he followed me on the mrt. We shared about our churches and stuff, then he mentioned a certain Grace who also attended CEFC.

I was like O.O

And when we alighted, SPEAK OF TEH DEVIL there was Grace walking towards us.

Ok fine, speak of Angels and the relevant higher ups.

On that day I heard God's voice coming through, after a looooong time. I forgot what we talked about (=P she's mugging so she won't read this anyway =P) but she handed me a fishbone card. I knew that moment what God was trying to do, because He led me back to CEFC the previous year anyway.

He wanted me to hear and see something.

I took note of it and the following week I went to WEB for the very first time, with Grace, who went to Jurong first to settle some piano stuff. Or something. Met Nicodemus and I think 2 Marks. Hadn't worshipped so passionately in a while.

Founder's Day, if I can remember. Was an ok performance, considering how unpolished we were.

Had bought myself an ACJC tie.

March:

I just realised the complete crap I've gotten myself into. I have 9 more months to write about. Feels like I'm mugging again BUT ANYWAY. Studied for terms during the March hols.

I continued going to WEB with Grace every Saturday. Senior Zone was established and I came for the first session. Met David Chiam AGAIN. He was my PAE classmate in J1 and he previously told me to come to WEB last year. So God really WAS saying something. David was shocked.

Kids' O levels came out!! Earlier half of the month. or in Feb. Can't remember, but it was a pretty rough few moments. I remember coaching some of the kids on singing after school.

Fishbone was on the 31st, but it was to be our batch's first public performance. The first performance was a good one. Very proud of kids. Went home with Grace. Found out she had complete lack of direction. Found out I also had a complete lack of direction. But only when walking with Grace. By the time we reached Bukit Panjang it was too late to go for fishbone! So Grace wanted to eat ice cream for supper. Found out, also, that Grace is nuts.

April:

April fools' day was so boring and predictable.

Oh by the way I managed to pass that econs test. Barely, but it was nice to know. Heheh.

Terms sucked.

SYF prep, SYF. Was, in my opinion, one of the best performances ever put up in my life. Very proud of kids. Another tough period of growing. Quite emo.

Began to learn more and more about God.

Got to know more seniors. Yayy!

May:

AEWF preps... Very busy time, especially because I had to study hard for bio and a ton of other crappy things.

AEWF passed quick.

Secretly danced with joy when I found out that we had no mid terms.

June:

Hols!!!! CAN RELAX.

AEWF over! Can go for WEB. Grace stopped bringing me there and I started going myself. Awww I growed up.

Went for Sheena's NJC choir concert. Saw that my primary sch classmate had become part of an acappella group. They were not bad.

Continued practices for future events. Choir would end much later for my batch than it did for our seniors.

Senior WEB BBQ!!! Great fun. Met Chibe for the first time. Had a good chat with Jan after that. Started my DJ officially.

God's first call for me to serve in worship was during that week. His words came across as very convicting and powerful. Mark got me to lead worship for the first time, during WG. I freaked bacause God was up to something weird.

So, braving what was coming, I did it, and grew through the experience.

WEB preps for Youth Day!!! Met and got to know several people such as Jingyi my long lost junior. Who randomly went around blaring at the top of her lungs "SEEENNNIIOOORR". Which freaked me out.

Was getting to know senior WEBs very well.

Youth Day came and went. Ushering was satisfying!!

Hols ended in a flash. Mugged ALL MY BIO RAWR.

But nothing else.

July:

Preps for SYF presentation and frail attempts to prepare for prelims. Still satisfied with work done on bio. Chem was a major bugger.

Auditioned for worship team as BV.

God's loud call for me to lead worship came, during a sharing session headed by Matt Lo. It was mentioned that we each had our gifts, granted to us by God for a particular purpose (I kinda summarised it here a little). That's where God sent a wave of conviction through my soul and I realised that God had planted in me something.

Do the God thing, not just the Good thing. Nehemiah's word in the sermon notes I kept in my Bible earlier. I quickly told Mark Lim about this.

Started serving as BV late this month. Can't remember when exactly though. But it was the Saturday before Matt's sharing. Maybe it was in August.

August:

STREET EVANGELISING EXPERIENCE. Terrified the socks off many of us. Josh and Junjie brought a China fellow to church. Josh also gave his evangecube away to some random group of girls.

Dr Dave Geisler came and shared with us another Saturday some techniques for evangelising. I led worship for them a second time. AND. It was my birthday!! My WG bought me a birthday muffin. They also celebrated Syahir's birthday, which clashed with one of my friend's too. Whose birthday party I missed. =p To attend WEB one ok.

Choir farewell, which was one hell to prepare for. Several late nights in a row. Tearful moments abound on the day itself.

A few days more and poof, our final performance.

AND PRELIMS PREP OMGGGOSH. Nearly died.

Then natday came. Boring lah.

Then PRELIMS CAME TO TAKE OUR LIVES

September:

Prelims over. I died many many.

Picked up Rubik's!!! :DDDD

First session of worship leading. Learnt one of the biggest spiritual lessons ever, that it's not about me in worship. It's about GOD. It stuck with me till today.

Got to know some of the newer BVs and helped Erika train them a short while.

Rested the holiday away completely and started planning. For war.

And the plan commenced. Started studying the moment school restarted. Worked my butt off, consulted non stop, did tys over and over. I think my GC got irritated with me.

Plenty of spiritual warfare... Plenty of blandness in life, but I pressed onward.

Learnt that Grace doesn't like eraser debris.

Made plenty more friends in WEB. I believe September is the month I first knew Aletheia. In the 7-11. Then on Multiply.

Got to know more of the younger ones. Like Ezra and Andrey. ^ ^

October:

So near A lvls!! Can just choke and collapse.

By now senior WEB is like family. Got to know peeps like JonQ and Keith (aka joan and keira).

Last minute consultations, TYS whacking (physically whacking) and GC pumping.

RAWR

I think I must've missed out some stuff in between. Like so little. Must've mugged too much in the last lap.

A LEVEL GP STARTED. OMYSUN NEARLY CRIED.

November:

Trial after trial, paper after paper, never looking behind, looking to Isaiah 40:31 constantly for that every bit of strength to carry forward... God's strength, God's spectacular strength, not mine.

Surprisingly, even in the last two mugging days preparing for mybio paper 1, I had so much stamina left to study the two days away.

It was no surprise that after the last paper I didn't cheer. I was stoned.

Bumped into Nicole Tan and Ale on the way home. They went ECP!

Went Bugis later to source for comix! Then came that infamous happy decibel onslaught.

Prepared for the mission trip. Got to know Hans very much better. God was working so clearly just a month ago.

Missions was fun-even though it was just for two days-and it opened my eyes to SEVERAL things the moment I came back. Biggest takeaway was that missions is a calling from God that needs to be carried on generation after generation. I took note of that.

December:

SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED.

WEB camp came. Had been praying for people, and God spoke mightily. Got to know many more people!! Despite having led worship only ONCE before, God used me in ways I could NEVER have imagined. Our God is an awesome God! I saw the Holy Spririt work in the lives of several youths, some in the aspect of leadership. God PWNED the weather for us.Got to know Gabriel Quek. LITTLE RASCAL

Ahem.

WEB camp finished.

Took some breaks, rested my voice, and watched movies!!

Zhenghua Christmas carnival. Hahaha. What can I say. It was fine I guess. I know for a fact that the fishbone did something to the hearts of people who came and drank. God PWNED the weather once more, providing strong sun to dry up the field the day before and slight, short spans of rain to cool the tent area. There was no rain till everyone gathered at yellow benches. Then BOOM!! The rain got released, similar to how some dude needed to relieve himself urgently.

Our God is an awesome God!

Choir carolling in between. Couldn't make it to sing so went to watch. Very very very proud of kids. Improved so much.

Mark and Sue's wedding. Rehearsals at weird places before that. Rockstar studios! Haha I went for only one session though cos I volunteered to sing BV. Found out that one of my schoolmates is Mark's cousin. I think his sister, who sang BVs as well, is Eunice Goh's friend.

Then the wedding came. The couple was so happy. ^ ^

Last WEB service of 2007 at grace sanctuary.

CEFC is now family.

And 2008 is tomorrow.

Praise the Lord for this faith journey that I've been led on! It was a giant leap of faith to step across to ACJC, and God has been faithfully providing every step of the way, displaying His awesome power in the most subtle, the most direct, and the most, well, AWESOME, of ways.

Thank you to all my friends as well for this year.

With that, 2007 comes to a close.

Thank You Jesus, for one spectacular ride.

2008 is about to come

2007-12-30T16:35:00.000+08:00

In less than 3 days, the new year of 2008 will come and student life becomes a memory.

I've been thinking a LOT the past 3 years. I think my brain would explode if A levels had ended any later. But A levels.... Didn't make me think as much as other issues did.

Yesterday was Mark and Sue's wedding. I have to admit it got quite chaotic at times... And not everything went the way it should have. I wondered if I should have sung during lunch at all, because on going on with the performance, Yiren had to fetch the keyboard from church. He didn't tell me he would probably because he knew I'd have followed, or stopped him, but I chided myself especially when I saw that the youths had to leave before I could even sing the last song. To be honest, my heart sank and hit the bottom... firstly because it felt like I was singing to empty tables, secondly because i had to make the youths wait for so long just to get the performance done, and thirdly Yiren went all the way back to church for this??! Triple whammy because I'd be singing to nobody, making my second family wait for me without entertainment, and thirdly, I felt unreasonable to Yiren. I looked at him and he only had this look of steel that said go ahead with it, even though the keyboard wasn't the best ever. I chided myself even more later when I did a mediocre performance just because the tables were empty at the back; I've performed at so many lunchtime performances after all, and I knew so so so much better than to let us go onstage without rehearsals.

I'm not sure why, but looking at Mark and Sue smile so sincerely as I sang just made the difference. I told JonLee later, that even when I asked myself that, just thinking of Mark and Sue made it worth it. Even if it seemed selfish to make the youths wait so long, or to get a keyboard for a few songs that I knew had nil chance of going well.

Being perfectionistic in nature has led me to many a fall, and even though I KNOW how much I've grown throughout this whole time (and for crying out loud I'm so old), doing less than my own standard bugs me a lot (yes, my dear friends, I actually HAVE a standard). Obeying God's call to worship lead, thankfully, has taught me many a lesson about such issues. Firstly God was at work if not the keyboard wouldn't even have appeared. Secondly Yiren was fantastic in pulling off that one hell of a song with just a keyboard. Looking back on yesterday, according to experience, many other things should have screwed up, but nothing worse actually happened.

And who cares about what happened to me, seriously, if Mark and Sue could have the happiest day in their lives go smoothly? To see my dear mentor and brother's face glowing with that smile, such a smile, all the while, just warmed my heart and filled it with gladness that God was behind all this.

Many times, performance is not about technicality, novelty, or talent even. I know, if I lose the heart to do things, ANY performance, worship or public or whatever, loses any purpose whatsoever. Especially for worship. No point worshipping with an empty, insincere heart.

As the new year crawls over, I resolve not to make new year's resolutions. I resolve this lifelong resolution in its stead: Follow God with all my heart, soul and mind, and aim to know God so much more everyday.

I know I'll fall because I'm only human.

But He's God.

And as an says, a darned smart one indeed.

I agree.

Happy new year's eve. I think I'll make one final post tomorrow too.

Oh, and before I go,

Here's a pic of me and ale. I like this picture because I come across as very innocent and with very small eyes. Which is very rare.

Oh and there's ale.

Presenting DOLPHIN MAN AND HIS SIDEKICK MARKER WOMAN

G'daye peeps!

It's Christmas Time

2007-12-25T05:49:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to all those who managed to wake up today. =)

In a flash my whole JC life has just disappeared and a whole new phase of life is about to begin in approximately 4 weeks. *hurk* Time has a habit of speeding up when we lose ourselves in the moment, as we all know it.

This Christmas is, yet again, a very quiet one indeed. Instead of going out and having a party with family or friends, I'm staying home today and taking a long break from everything. I thank God that He is a God of rest as well, taking into account the Sabbath for His people, rather than being Japanese or Singaporean in principle, working all those 7 days in the week off to create the earth.

Then there's also the tendency for us post-A pre-NS people to want to take every single moment of our lives trying to relax. Ironically, isn't very relaxing thinking on your feet the next location you'd want to be at next in the bustling, noisy humming of orchard road, or trying to spend your days planning how you're going to spend your holidays meaningfully. I did get caught up in several of such moments, only to realise that ANYTHING away from studies is a huge break in itself already.

ANYTHING. I'm not one to be so obsessed over my studies to the point of refusing to eat, so I didn't like the dreariness of studying 24/7 for a piece of paper I collect next year.

Having completed the "mugging mileage", there's still this lingering sense of achievement hanging around as I walk around orchard. Feels as if I earned the right to step on orchard road, and hey, feels like AGES since I've been anywhere near orchard. And it really has. My hangouts for the past 2 years were only raffles place, the large silver durian and the citylink mall.

Within 2 weeks I feel sick of orchard road because every outing I've been to keeps planting me back there. Gaaaaaaaaaagh.

And I tell yew ah, the food at plaza sing veh ex one.

To complete the random acts of ranting here, lemme say that I want to watch I Am Legend because it has Will Smith, a million zombies, and a dog. They must've emptied their wallets hiring Will Smith so the entire movie has only him in it.

And his dog.

The past year has been a fantastic one. I've made countless friends, a new family, and well, paved new paths to doing what I love for a living. God has been faithful thus far, ever since I made the decision to come back to Him about 2 years ago now. I realise I know what Christmas means more than ever, having gone through the ride of a lifetime and having learnt more about God Himself throughout.

Then there's also learning to solve a Rubik's cube, something I always thought impossible years ago when I first played with my cousins'. Back then it took me ages to solve the first layer. Now I do it in mere seconds.

Funny how so many random things can happen but they all connect together.

Ok I'm getting bored. I want to play com games and sing some songs.

Once again, merry Christmas... And think about Jesus too.

mirror

2007-12-17T12:20:00.000+08:00

Seems like ages since I've written anything here. Anyways I thought I'd better blog before my writing skills are lost to my Post-A's retardedness.

The past weeks have been a time of reflection and hectic hectic hectic hectic schedules. Surprisingly post A's made me far busier than before, but I'm not complaining because anything beats the dreariness of a pile of bio notes or the math TYS. I didn't want to bring up any mere mention of the A levels but oh well. I have to remind myself to collect my cert anyways, because I actually forgot I had to. I just had that feeling that my A level cert won't be so pretty as my O level one, but what the hey. A cert's a cert. Just a cert. So I'll just put on those tunnel vision goggles and continue having my limited scope of vision so I don't get overly paranoid over silly things.

In an hour's time I'll be eating dinner, then showering and rushing off to mt Faber SAFRA for a rehearsal at 8pm. Just to let you know I'm busy. Heheh.

Allow me to (to state the extremely blatant....) blog about things that have latched onto my mind recently.

First is the subject of giving a helping hand.

I'm pretty sure about a while ago, the newspapers did report about Singaporeans being the friendly, cheerful, courteous bunch. Just last week I went out with 2 of my friends from one of my AC cliques and I was forced to rethink my opinion of Singaporeans, which was admittedly based off that particular newspaper report and my own small scope of a social circle. (talk about rebutting the hypodermic needle model of mass media influence.) I wasn't overly excited about it. I guess it was the huge spate of outings and activities earlier that drained my spirits and made me a tad more tired than usual. After having my teeth cleaned at the dentist residing at Dhoby Xchange (and having received the foreboding prediction of wisdom tooth removal), I went to Plaza Sing to meet my 2 friends, after which we proceeded on to the food court for lunch.

I tell you ah, the food damn ex there. At least the sauce in the jap food was sastifying.

My friend got up to order drinks for us. I observed a cleaner balancing a tower of bowls rushing toward the drinks and desserts stall, for a couple of microseconds. And after that full second had passed, she had knocked into a cleaners' trolley and as a result, dropped a few used bowls on the floor. One bowl was smashed into several pieces.

The noise turned many a head and bowl rolled all over the floor. Some rolled beside my friend.

I'm very sure you can sense what's coming. I think at that time, I didn't. Since the bowls had landed next to the feet of many people, they should all have been picked up and given to the cleaners, no?

I waited 2 seconds. Nobody moved.

Ok. Then I thought, my good Christian friend would pick up the bowl at his feet.

I waited for another 10 to 20 seconds. To my horror, the expression on my friend's face clearly spelt one of annoyance as he looked at the bowl touching his shoe.

And there I was thinking, why isn't anybody moving?

So I got up from my seat, walked over and picked up all the bowls and handed them back to the cleaner.

When I got back to our table, my other friend said, "You actually went to help pick those up arh?"

And I was quite confused. Is there anything wrong with picking up bowls for those busy cleaners, constantly harassed by diners? Sure, the bowls are dirty and grimy, but I'm sure I didn't die from food poisoning after that... If not I wouldn't be here blogging about it.

So tell me friends. Did I do anything wrong in helping the cleaners pick up those bowls? Because it sure felt very uncomfortable being the only person helping them.

I know this was quite a trivial matter. But somehow, I couldn't joke about anything for the whole meal.

Then I thought I'd test something else out. When both my friends used the washroom, one cleaner came to clear their plates. I thanked him and the cleaner grunted his approval.

I knew that the two much older adults beside me were about to finish. And when they did, the same cleaner came by and took away their bowls. Of course, no thanks came to the cleaner as he went about his work.

So now we aren't supposed to thank the cleaners at the foodcourt after they help us clear our plates?

I do realise I'm already 18, and the answers were obvious. But looking at these incidents just made me despise the ironies of Singaporean education; they make us clear our plates in the school canteens for 12 years to get us to appreciate the cleaners in public, and this is what we still do everyday. I thought then that our childhood innocence was taken advantage of just to put up a farce, a display for foreign students who come.

If I desire a change in this area though, I'll just be alone in my battle then. Since reality is so stubborn.

The second thing I had reflected on was introverts and extroverts. For a good reason, I've always accepted that I'm an introvert. I thought I noticed that introverts write their hearts better than extroverts do, and Ialso had the impression that extroverts didn't really hang out on msn for the sake of having a social life. And yeah. by looking at what I just wrote, I can already conclude that I'm one. I'm assuming normal people don't really think so hard about the stuff I just wrote about.

If being introverted means I spend too much time entertaining my own thoughts, then why is it I love to sing, and why is it I hate being alone? The pain of loneliness still lingers, even though I now look at that pain in a different way.

I think the greatest gift God gave me is still the ability to express my deepest feelings and my deepest pains. Contrary to many others who are gifted in singing, I actually had to train myself very hard to get the voice I now have.

Sidetracking for a moment, I never will think of my voice as spectacular, firstly because I believe it wasn't an intrinsic talent and secondly, I know people whose voices ARE their intrinsic talent, and I know them personally. Those people have moved my heart with their voice and have impressed me with the uniqueness of their tone. Nevertheless I thank God for allowing me to have this voice I now have to sing with.

Many people like to hear me sing because I tug at their heartstrings (while others just want to find a reason to poke me)... about slightly more than 4 years ago when I first started singing, the sole emotions that I knew how to translate vocally in song were all very sad. Till today, even though I know far better now, that hint of sadness still remains in my voice. I think it's part of my gift because it translated a deep pain into my voice and it stayed there for the better part of my life. I still acknowledge this pain and I compare it with myself now in order to recognise how much I've grown... Or rather, how much our good Lord has allowed me to grow.

I'm still learning to give up all my pain to God and just let Him take it all away. Till then, I'll perservere in prayer.

So I wonder why I'm an introvert if I was given such a gift, to be able express my most inner feelings. Then I realise how big God is.

The last thing was about having soft spots.

I think I'll leave that in my brain to entertain myself with on my way to Mt Faber later.

Kwueeez

2007-12-13T04:37:00.000+08:00

Q: Name a friend whose name starts with an 'S'?
A: Samuel See

Q: Fourth person on your missed calls
A: unknown number

Q: What did the last text message you received say?
A: Goodnight. God bless. From dunno who. I think that fellow got the wrong number.

Q: Do you chew on your straws?
A: yeah I used to

Q: Do you have curly hair?
A: No. I instead have incredibly straight hair.

Q: What's the next concert you're going to?
A: SLO!!

Q: Who's the coolest person in your life?
A: Batman.

Q: What words do you say alot?
A: What the

Q: What is the last thing you ate?
A: Roti prata

Q: What is the last thing you said to someone and who was it?
A: "I'm still blogging" to my brother

Q: Do you watch tv?
A: Nah. Everything's on the Net now.

Q: Have you seen the movie, donniedarko?
A: Er. No.

Q: Ever been hunting?
A: Harhar.

Q: Is marriage in your future?
A: Should be

Q: When was the last time you said 'ILOVEYOU' and meant it?
A: I don't think I'll be saying that anytime soon.

Q: What should you be doing right now?
A: Showering and getting ready to go to the dentist

Q: Do you have a nickname?
A: A group of friends in AC called me Ali. Why? "He looks like an Ali."

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight?
A: Well, sometimes.

Q: Who's the youngest one in the family?
A: I am.

Q: Is drug free the way to be?
A: Yeah duh.

Q: Do you clean up nice?
A: Better than my Dad.

Q: Last time you used a skateboard?
A: nil

Q: Where was the last place you slept besides your house?
A: My Dad's car

Q: Ever ran out of gas on the road?
A: Nope

Q: Best movie you've ever seen in the past two weeks?
A: One part of Left Behind. Very interesting.

Q: Who do you trust the most?
A: I trust God and close friends. Actually I trust a lot of people.

Q: Do you think people who come up with brain dead quizzes are crying for help in some twisted way?
A: Like this one? Jeez, how in the world does making this help you.

LAST ..
1) Person you saw - brother
2) Talked to on the phone - erika
3) Hugged - can't rmb
4) Person you texted - the unknown fellow who smsed goodnight and God bless

TODAY ..
1) Date - 13/12/07
2) Plans - Dentist... Then come home and finish up a drawing.
3) Dislikes about tomorrow - That it's one day nearer to enlistment.

CURRENTLY ..
1) Missing - MY VOICE. :(
2) Mood - neutral.

TRUE/FALSE ?
I'm a morning person - kind of. I used to wake up early, but somehow I can't wake up any earlier than 830am now.

I'm a perfectionist - Yes
I'm an only child - No
I'm currently in my pajamas - ??!@!@?##$
I'm very shy around the opposite gender - "very"? No lah.
I can be paranoid - YES.
I currently regret something that I've done - Should have slept earlier
I enjoy talking on the phone - if it's just crapping. As in talking crap not literally crapping.
I have a secret - Who doesn't?

Tag ten people.
Ten people.

Breakthrough

2007-12-06T10:12:00.000+08:00

The past week has been really crazy stuff. God's been moving as we've been praying and He has shown himself many times and spoken in the most subtle of ways.

First was my first mission trip over last weekend. Even as we set off on the ferry to Bintan I could already feel that God was at work; despite one bumpy ferry ride, with the many toss, turns and tilts, and feeling awfully sick the first half hour, the 3 guys fell asleep and woke up feeling just fine. Well, Hans and Gid were ill before we went aboard, but I knew God had rested them during that half hour we suddenly fell asleep. The trip back to Singapore was even better. I knew God was going to work so I just closed my eyes and poof, I was asleep. I woke up when the ferry literally flew over a wave and crash-landed. That experience really taught me about finding peace in God

All the work put into getting people to pray paid off as God continued to work in the village. Medical treatment was given, not too many complicated cases, and we had good fun with the kids. Thankfully they enjoyed the games planned... One of the ways God used them to speak to us. Many of them poked me so I could teach them origami. So I did... And that carried on to the second day as well.

As we "toured" the village on the second day, and as we walked I prayed a silent prayer. The armies of darkness and the blindness in the village was fierce, and yet, because of the prayers and the work done by mission teams preceding us, God was already on the move. Ibu (at least that's how I think you spell it) had earlier, on a previous trip or so, allowed Steven's team to pray for her, even while knowing we were Christian, and that in itself was a tremendous sign of a breakthrough to come.

God spoke to me most after I got back. I realised that being in the non-resort areas of Bintan and living such a prayerful life there had rested my soul, and upon returning to Singapore, I once again felt constrained, with pressure falling upon me from all sides. I saw children in Singapore in a different light and found that nearly nothing pleases them... Which made me think about how society has lost happiness and contentment altogether. The Bible tells us not to worry about our possesions and this is exactly what my eyes saw once they opened. I had always known this, but the stark side-by-side comparison with the innocence of the village kids completely opened me.

Next was WEB Destiny camp. In a word, awesome. Several breakthroughs occured and I've grown so much, from leading a group of kids I had absolutely no idea existed, to seeking God almost every second, to a HUGE growth in prayer to the extent of the Holy Spirit teaching me how to minister to people in prayer, and most significantly, as a worship leader.

Spiritual warfare was immense as Satan really wreaked havoc at several corners, but God was with us throughout. I knew instantly that the camp comm had been praying hard from the day they felt the need to, firstly from sensing immense warfare on the first day, secondly from the first session on day 2, where the Holy Spirit was just so awesome I just wish you had been there if you hadn't, and thirdly from the complete control over the weather on the 3rd day.

Despite the group heading off with an akward start on day 1 (mostly my fault lah), we eventually warmed up to each other and I really got to have fun with them. I thank God for giving me the oppurtunity to pray for some of them and I have faith that God will work tremendously in the lives of those He specially brought to WEB camp for His purpose. :)

Several of us fell ill, including some of the camp comm, my junior Jingyi, myself, and even the camp commandent and 2IC JonQ and Ian. But what I finally discovered for myself was that God can truly work to save us as we fall victim to such attacks, as God moved so strongly during sessions till the Devil had no room to play around even outside the Sanctuary. I'm sure many of us felt that.

My greatest breakthrough was an immensely powerful one. Here are some reasons why I was doubting even as WEB camp started on Day 1:

1. I fell ill, had a little diarrhoea, burned up and already lost half my voice on the first day.

2. I'm a complete n00b at worship leading, having only led WEB worship ONCE before in my entire life.

3. I thought several other people were more "authorised" to do it so that God could really work.

When people tell me that they had a very good time of worship during the sessions in which I led, I am humbled beyond description that God can use someone like me, with next to no experience and with almost no voice, to lead worship. In this camp, God really showed me what He does when He calls people to serve Him. From then on I really knew, it doesn't matter how lousy we think we are, God loves all of us and CAN use ALL of us.

I'm sure Aletheia's gonna read this so this part is for her. I'm very happy that despite the pain you've been through in that fall and tearing your ligament, the love of God inside you still places a smile on your face. It warms my heart that God preserved your smile, and I'm sure He used you in that manner to touch many people. I'll be praying for you till the day you recover. Then I'll stop praying for your leg and for something else. Heheh. :) Thank you for your prayers over me, for God really listened to you. :)

To JonQ, you've been an awesome leader. Thanks for being an excellent role model and guide to all of us.

To JonLeeZQ, thank you for your concern and encouragements over the 3 or so days. They really helped. The prayers really helped. And you're a great friend!!

And here's some cheers to ALL he awesome friends I made before and during camp, and to my group members who wouldn't know this is here. Thanks for blessing me so much. Kudos to Rachel and Mark Lim for taking care of the group when I'm away, and to Rachel for being so fun to tease =P

And most of all, to God. Who's gonna continue transforming all of us waaaaaayyy after all this is over. Amen.