~~~~ | Sunday, February 15, 2009
Finally, the long series of rehearsals is over, the TD event is over... Then when March comes, I'll feel a lot more relaxed. One thing people need to note is that when it comes to blogging, I'm very indulgent. I write what I want to write, and whether or not you thought that wasted your time, I really shouldn't be bothering... And it's actually happened so many times. There was once I posted something out of complete indulgence and I got a comment down there that went -.-' or something. It was as if I wasted a few minutes of that person's life. My stand: I don't bother how much time this thing takes out of your life. The fact that you're reading anyway means you have time to spare and you got nothing to do in the first place. NOW that being said, I'm going to continue with my delightful spate of indulgence. If you actually saw through my ploys and you happen to read my multiply very often... You MIGHT realise what I'm doing. Firstly the title suggests that I'm being indulgent again and it might irk some people to not read this. Secondly, for people who use multiply and see my update, they won't be led to read this because I deliberately started out with something that makes you go, ugh, he's doing it again. This is boring and it's got nothing in it for me. Thirdly, if you actually read past the paragraph on me being indulgent, then you're lucky enough to not have fallen for my other trick of trying to offend you because you know me too well to believe that I'm trying to offend someone. SO, this means you actually want to read my blog post now. And this also means little to nobody have read this at all OR want to read this and I've succeeded in my little ploy of letting my feelings being known to nobody. SO I can continue with my blog post. If you read till here, you either skipped the above few paragraphs with disgust, indifference, accidentally, or you somehow actually want to know more about me, which is fine. It's up to you and I can't stop you. Realise however, that this is also MY blog and MY opinion and YOU in turn can't stop me. I've spent enough time feeling lousy about this in the dark and it's time everyone knew about it. I go on and on and on about singing all day and how I love it and what not. But the dark truth is I'm feeling less and less for it. Singing is meaningless. Meaningless. What can it do for me. Nothing. Money-wise, I can't make a living with it. I'm not good enough to make a living with it. If it's attention I want so badly, I don't get enough from it and I won't ever get the attention I will eventually want from it. It's meaningless. People's compliments feel meaningless. I can't accept compliments anymore. Meaningless. Thanks, I appreciate that you listened and you liked the effort I put in, I really do, but it doesn't get any further than that. Meaningless. I can't make anyone feel special by singing. Meaningless. I can't change anyone's lives. I can't bless anyone by singing. So why do I even try. Why do I even do. Meaningless. Meaningless. I only sound good for a moment and that's it. IT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL. It does NOTHING for me. I'm sorry I used the word "me" there but I'm being honest with myself here. MEANINGLESS. FRUSTRATING. Nothing can come out of this. After I leave MDC, I want to give up singing before it haunts me this much. Meaningless. Nothingness. Nothing worth pursuing. After I ORD, I'll leave it to fly to the wind. I'll creep out of the scene. Year by year, I'll sing less and less. I'll start life anew. All of you who've heard me before WILL forget I ever sang that well. Because you can't match my voice to my face anyway, so you will forget how I sound like. Don't believe, check back a decade later. Or even 5 years later. Heck, maybe even next year. You'd have forgotten completely. If I'm meant to get married, I'll find someone new. I will never sing to her. She will never know I can sing. Nobody will bother to tell her. We'll be happily married and I'll never have to sing. My children will never find out I used to sing. If I don't, I'll have a different career. And life will go on with no singing. I'll switch ministry to ushering, or prayer, the latter which I enjoy so much more. I'll thank singing for the oppurtunities it has brought me. I'll thank God for giving me these times of working with fantastic people and all. I will. But that's all. This isn't about failure. This isn't about dissatisfaction. This is hell not reverse psychology because reverse psychology doesn't work for crap. It's just that my effort is better spent elsewhere. It's just that this is a stupid line of work to do. It's a stupid hobby. Men shouldn't be concerned with stupid hobbies and should just have good solid jobs correct. Men should be stable; singing isn't making me stable. It's doing otherwise. I'll live the quiet life. Where no one notices me. Like its meant to be. Like it was meant to be from the start. I'll go to a ministry that's behind closed doors because that's how I desire to grow. That's how I was made to grow. I'm not meant to be on a stage. I'm not meant to lead. I'm not meant to emcee. Enough of singing. Next year on. Next year, there'll definitely be less of it. This year I have to stick with it till I ORD, but next year on. Meaningless. Meaningless. Thank you for bearing with my indulgence. But like I said, it's my blog. It's my opinion. So it ends there. It ends here. END.
*************************
Created at 5:28 PM
*************************
|